NewStats: 3,265,489 , 8,186,922 topics. Date: Sunday, 15 June 2025 at 09:32 AM 2d6x1a

Good poem. That should be every day, not everyday. But good poem. I enjoyed it.

Good start. The reader is bound to be drawn in by the dramatic opening and want to read further. But story is be deviled by the punctuation problem that seems to be an epidemic around here. You should work on that.

Good effort.

However, I think the words you are bringing up are not everyday words; that is, words that are likely to be of much use every day in speech or even writing. These are novelty words that will come in handy whenever the occasion calls for bombast.

Besides, I think the best way to learn vocabulary is to read wide and look up unfamiliar words in a dictionary.

But maybe there are aspiring Obahiagbons on here.

Badirukehinde:

And that's the wonderful aspect of writing,freedom,dynamism and uniqueness.All stories are not meant to have an ending or end in the general known or traditional manner.This one actually does have an ending.Re read it,It's left to the reader to envisage how it ends....That's the quality of writing,you engage your readers...Thanks for the observation tho

Sure. But I meant finishing as in crossing t's and dotting i's. Word placing, punctuation and co.

Story lacks finishing. I'm surprised you sent it in for a contest like this.

Good writing. You obviously understand the rudiments of punctuation. That is why I don't understand why you let poor punctuation reign here and there. Maybe you don't pay sufficient attention to it or do a thorough proofreading.

Punctuation. Practise punctuation for a start. a well-prepared article on punctuation. Study it well. Then practise, practise and practise some more.

Waoh! This is what I'm talking about. Powerful, punchy writing. A few words out of place, a few punctuation issues, but good, good writing.

Just write with the word count in mind. Limit characters to one, two or three and avoid elaborate descriptions. When you're done it should be a little longer than the word count. Then is the time to rewrite sentences, collapse multple sentences into one, change direct speeches into reported speeches and maybe remove whole sentences. Be ruthless.

I'd say pay closer attention to small details. To illustrate, here's from the first and second paragraphs of Chapter One -

Felicia was an exceptional girl. She was known among most of her family to be a very light sleeper; infact, [1] one of her uncle [2] who is a professor believes she was suffering from insomnia and had pestered her parent [3] to treat her on that.So, [4] Just to please this Uncle [5] of hers,and [6] out of curiosity, her parent had taken her to a certified Hospital but the Doctor [7] said she was not having such sleeping problem.
Today, she was still sleeping at 9.am. [8] Nobody would disturb or dares disturb her, she knows, so she slept soundly. [9]

1. “In fact” - two words.
2. “Uncles” - the noun or pronoun that follows “one of” is always pluralised.
3. You sure you didn’t mean “parents”? If you mean one parent it’s batter to use the more specific “father” or “mother”.
4. Insert a space after the full stop – this error is very common around here and I’m not sure why. It makes your writing inelegant.
5. There is no need to capitalise the uncle.
6. Same as (4) above.
7. No need to capitalise hospital and doctor. Capitalisation is generally reserved for proper nouns – that is names of people and places. You may only capitalise anything else to “foreground” it as a technique.
8. “By 9am” or “by 9a.m.” or “by 9AM”. A space after the number is also fine.
9. “She knew nobody would disturb her, so she slept soundly.” Or “She knew nobody would dare disturb her, so she slept soundly.”

Richiy:

Thanks for the boost. Sad thing is that am no longer a writer. I had to let it rest.

Is it okay to ask why you let it rest? Did you write fiction?

Trying to become a writer? You have a laudable ambition. However, you must mind the basics.

1. Do proper spacing - like between words and after commas and full stops.
2. Capitalise all proper nouns; ditto for I.
3. Mind your narration tense - you shouldn't be flipping between past and present, unless where it's a deliberate technique.
4. Mind your grammar.

I've actually enjoyed this. You had me laughing with your humour. If you're just starting out writing, you have potential. But you need a whole lot of work on punctuation to make your work presentable. Learn what you can about punctuation. Avoid writing things like "coz" and practice writing proper words always. Do proper spacing.
I'm looking forward to your next update.

This is powerful, effective, almost flawless writing! I can tell it's in you. Looking forward to reading your next piece.

AD30LA:
giving up? I'll have loved a longer argument, now nairaland will go back to being boring. Plus u quoted my unmodified post. That drug was meant to be dog. Na my quick text dey mess around.

From your last post about rice and meat, I think you don't seem to understand what the "argument" was about. No, I wasn't interested in a long - or syllogistic - argument. I was just trying to point out something I thought you may have missed. Have a good evening.

AD30LA:
syllogistically then, a hungry drug will prefer rice to meat, because it serves the function of quenching hunger than meat. But afterwards, whether the dog had eaten rice, noodles or even meat, it will still go back to the Bone. That makes the bone more important

Lol. Nothing do you jare.

I'm not sure why you left out the inverted commas for direct speech. Might sound quaint but it can cause problems of its own. Not bad but I'd say you need to pay attention to clarity and punctuation.

AD30LA:
do you know that for a fact? Coz I used to think dogs like things to fumble their canines with... And meat won't serve that purpose because it's too soft..... Not only do they like bones for food they love bones because they can play with it..... And you know dogs are very playful animals.... With bones they can eat and play at the same time but meat can only serve as food.

Your perspective does not really contradict mine. They may like bones for play but a hungry dog will eat the meat first.

You seem a committed writer - which should see you far. However, one of the first things one notices about your writing is your run-on sentences. You need to work on that consciously since writing good and clear sentences is basic for a writer.

AD30LA:
He who sees disgust in protrusion does not go around nailing women

That's a good one.

AD30LA:

Between meat and bone..... Which is dog's favourite?

Dogs don't like bones. They like meat. They eat bones because that's what they get.

Here is the file with ALL the changes shown. Unfortunately, it is impossible to copy and paste it here with the RTF.

As you requested, here are the issues I spotted, looking at your Chapter One.

In some of the places I have simply made the change. In some other places I have made the change and written an explanation with the footnote number indicated after the referenced portion. In yet others I have made a notation for the change that you should consider without making the change myself.

Scroll on to the next post and open the attached file to see ALL the changes I made at glance.

_________________
CHAPTER ONE
Mabel Danzo drove through the dusty streets of Uzi Island [1]. It was another chilly November day. Her old, gray [2] Rover car, which she inherited from her late parents, had clearly seen better days [3].
The terrible roads on this West African island made driving one nightmarish experience. Most often, she preferred riding to her workplace [4] via the Island’s [5] green painted public buses, but her three-year-old nephew, Dennis, would have none of it. He sat next to her, sucking his thumb. Rebellion outlined on his little squared shoulders. Dennis had kept to himself throughout the entire journey.
Mabel pulled into his school driveway. “Sweetheart, you have to run now,” she began, “I’m running late for work.”
Dennis sat still, sucking his thumb. Mabel let the warmth of her love show through as a smile curled round her lips. She pulled his thumb out of his mouth, tilted up the downcast chin, and pressed a quick kiss on his cheek.
“Dennis is a good boy, eya, eya oh,” Mabel began to sing, hoping this would do the trick and put the little man in a happy mood. She picked up his water bottle and bag from the back seat. “Dennis is a good boy, eya, eya oh,” she continued, opening her car door and walking over to the enger’s side where he sat.
“Be a good boy, okay.” She cupped his chin in her palm. “You want your classmates to make jest of you?”
“I don’t want to go to school,” Dennis protested, pulling away from Mabel.
“I thought you told me you like [6] school?” Mabel prompted. “You told me you would love to be a doctor in the future.”
“I want to be a doctor, Momma, but I don’t like school.”
Mabel held a smile in check at the vehemence in the little man’s voice. Dennis only began schooling over a week ago.
“You can’t be a doctor if you don’t go to school.” [7]
“But, Momma, please,” Dennis pleaded.
Mabel became overwhelmed with emotions whenever he called her Momma. Dennis was the closest relative she had, he was her nephew and adopted son. Only few people on the Island knew she wasn’t his biological mother.
Who is a child’s mother? She reasoned. She had taken care of the little man since he was three months old. A flash of total recall brought back to life that traumatic moment. It had been three years since her younger sister, Eva, Dennis biological mother died in that motor accident which also claimed the lives of her parents and Dennis’ father.
It was the day of Dennis’ dedication in church, she ed vividly. Everything had gone well. Everyone overjoyed. Her parents were happy they had lived long enough to hold their first grandchild in their hands. Mabel was happy for her sister.
On the trip home, Mabel rode in another car with a family friend. Her papa, mama, Eva, her brother-in-law and Dennis rode in the family car. It was a 25 minute [8] trip back home. The journey was smooth, until they approached a bend on the road. The car skidded off the road while avoiding one of the various potholes and somersaulted a few times before bursting into flames. Dennis was the only survivor.
How she mustered the strength to pull through those periods, she still can’t fathom. Thinking now, she feels the innocent child her sister left behind was key in her survival. She couldn't stand watching Dennis suffer. He was her responsibility, her life and she must take care of him.
“Momma, can I go with you?” Dennis repeated, recalling Mabel from her thoughts.
“You can’t go with me, Honey.” Mabel carried the little man in her arms, ignoring his protests and stepping towards the school gate. Tears rolled down his cheeks. “I will get you biscuits and chocolate when returning from work,” Mabel assured him as she wiped his face with a kerchief [9].
“Momma, will you be coming to pick me up from school today?” Dennis asked.
“I should, Honey.” Mabel began, then paused. She knew this wasn’t a possibility. “If I don’t make it, Nanny Gobe will come and pick you,” she added.
Nanny Gobe had been a part of the Danzo family [10] for the past twenty years. She was a close confidant of Mabel’s late mother and her trusted hand [11]. Mabel had retained her services after her mother’s death. She was more of a mother figure in her life and had been particularly helpful these past few weeks.
Juggling between her workplace and Dennis’ school was not an easy task. Mabel was the editor of FABS, a magazine run by a reputable and fast growing media organization ready to take the whole of West Africa by storm. Mabel’s workload had risen astronomically these past few months. She hardly had time for herself and the little man. She had traveled the length and breadth of the tiny Island, sourcing for contents for FABS. With doubting Thomases raising eyebrows when the mantle of editorship fell on her young shoulders [12], she was determined to prove them wrong.
As the gate flung open, she dropped the little man [13], kissed him on both cheeks, and watched him his friends on the playground. They were excited to have Dennis with them. He had grown into a fine, likeable and brilliant lad. [14] Mabel had not fared badly taking care of him and she would continue to be there for him.
She walked back to her car and yanked the door open. Thick smoke filled the air as she turned on the engine of her Rover. The vehicle had been in terrible shape lately; visiting the mechanics had become more of a daily ritual.
Mabel drove down a dirt road, which was more of a path than a driveway [15]. She was pleasantly surprised to see a few strange faces on the Island. The Island was not so large so everyone knew each other. Uzi Island with its wildlife reserve was the perfect vacation destination for tourists. The peaceful and serene nature of the place held a huge attraction for people from all over the West African sub region.
Mabel applied the brakes to exchange pleasantries with some girls returning from the stream. The young women had on their heads huge pots of water of various sizes with wrappers tied over their bosom lines. With the harsh weather and dusty roads leading to the streams, the young women’s feet dabbed in petroleum jelly appeared shinny and clean.
She had iration for these young women, some of whom were in her age bracket. Despite their relatively poor exposure and daily involvement in strenuous activities, they didn’t miss any opportunity to look pretty. With a number of young, handsome, well-to-do tourists on the Island, the need to look good was of uppermost importance in every single girl’s subconscious mind. [16]
A few young women have had mother luck smile at them, hitting it off with a young rich tourist. Quite a number of these encounters have led to the altar.
Mabel had not done much farm work. She could count the number of times she had been to either a farm or a stream on a single palm. She belonged to the Uzi middleclass, whatever that meant. Her late dad was an academic [17], a senior lecturer in the university. Growing up, her closest companions were her books. She had no time to socialize and mingle with other girls in the neighborhood. These have had an adverse effect on her as a young woman. She was introverted and had not friends outside of her work circle.

_____________
1. Is the town or village called Uzi or Uzi Island? If it is the former, that is, a town which happens to be an island, it should be “Uzi island”. But if is the latter, that is, like Victoria Island, it should be Uzi Island.

2. You’re using US English then? Ok.

3. This is a cliché. Clichés are structurally ok but sophisticated readers hate them and matured writers mostly avoid using them outside of direct speech.

4. This must be one word.

5. [1] above should apply here and throughout the story.

6. “Liked” would have been fine if the act wasn’t continuing or supposed to continue till the present time. For example, “Gani Fawehinmi said he liked amala.” “Gabriel Igbinedion said he likes amala.”

7. The rule here is that in a compound sentence, if the subordinate clause comes after the main clause, there should be no comma between them. If the subordinate clause comes first, there should be a comma. So you could as well have correctly written “If you don’t go to school, you can’t be a doctor.”

8. “Minute”, along with 25, is playing the role of an adjective here, so no s. You can write it “25-minute” but it’s okay to dispense with the hyphen.

9. This is so Elizbethan. I would use the contemporary “handkerchief” unless I had made up my mind to do a bit of Old English as a device or as a matter of style and intend to do so throughout the work.

10. “The Danzo family” or “Danzo’s family”.

11. Whose trusted hand – Mabel’s or her mother’s? It is not clear in the context.

12. When the word “shoulder” is used idiomatically to refer to responsibility, the “s” is added.

13. “The little man” - I think you’re overusing this phrase already. Readers tend to get bored with clever phrases quickly.

14. I think you should remove “He had grown into a fine, likeable and brilliant lad.” The “they” in the previous sentence refers to Dennis’ playmates, kids who have no perspective of anyone having grown into anything. Besides, Dennis is still a kid who hasn’t really grown into anything.

15. “Drive”, as used here, is British English. Since you have opted to use American English, you should say “driveway”.

16. This sentence should flow from the previous one. So you should consider changing it to:
That was to be expected given the number of young, handsome, well-to-do tourists who come to the Island.

17. “Academia” is a collective and cannot refer to a single person. You could also have correctly written “Her late dad belonged to the academia.”

leatfabiano3681:

Thanks Writeditor...i'm actually in the process of hiring a proofreader, as i was working on a lean budget at the time, but thanks all the same, even though i will appreciate if you could highlight here some of this errors you have noticed.

I'm on the move now. When I get to sit down later, I will.