NewStats: 3,262,954 , 8,178,626 topics. Date: Wednesday, 04 June 2025 at 08:18 AM d6i2a

william hurt
Well we've decided (after 8 years) that it's not right and so we are accord slapping your a*sses instead of you know........just asking y'all to retire and surrender your weapons or just killing you all to save us the headache
chris evans
Hmmm retire just like that? So we killed all those people and get away with a slap on the wrist?
william hurt
Accelerating a plot here people get your mind outta logic lane, just hurry up and pick sides before it begins to sink into the audience head
chris evans
Well you can't tell us what to do
robert downey jr
Well tough sh*t I just got grieve slapped by a black widow get it? Black widow?
audience
Ugh!
anthony mackie
I'm with chris because it's one black sidekick to a white lead
don cheadle
Then I'm with robert
scarlet johansson
I'm with robert but also with chris because women can't make up their minds in the MCU
elizabeth olsen
At least you're not forced to be on chris side and held by robert against your will to be uggled by a creepy robot....... Add that to murdering my parents and brother and you'll get a mystery as to why I haven't totally killed robert by now
chris evans
Hayleys dead oh sh*t my MILF I never got to score with her oh sh*t
emily vancamp
Its alright love
chris evans
You? Why are you in this movie?
emily vancamp
it was either me or maria hill
chris evans
As what?
emily vancamp
Your enabler
chris evans
Isn't that scarlet's job?
russo brothers
We haven't yet gotten a handle on your love life so I think we should just throw every female character into the franchise and see which sticks kinda like speed dating it will be fun
audience
More like gross and unnecessary
russo brothers
Let's skip to the next scene shall we
narrator
next we see gene farber a war criminal hiding out in a canadian outskirts sub urban america of all places
[b]daniel bruhl
Hey dude I crashed into your car you wanna let me in so we can talk?
gene farber
Ok one second let me just get my gun incase you aren't whom you say you are
daniel bruhl
Or maybe we could settle this with the police?
gene farber
Hmmm police that certainly makes you the real deal tell you what I'm not gonna pick up my gun and I definitely won't just ask you to leave since its my car and all, I will totally let you in
daniel bruhl
sucker(clubs farber on da head)
narrator
by the time farber comes to he's hanging upside down over a bathtub filling with water
gene farber
What do you want?
daniel bruhl
The fall of an empire
gene farber

daniel bruhl
*rolling eyes* I wanna kill the avengers
gene farber
Uh shouldn't you be meeting with samuel jackson for that? Or probably teaming up with me I mean they are the reason why I'm out of a job and sh*t
daniel bruhl
Oh look your red book is not tattered and torn after over 20 years why didn't you burn this sh*t?
gene farber
Yea I just kept that I mean you never know when you'll want a hydra super soldier to do your laundry or clean your house and sh*t, anyway if I helpe answered your questions right now this movie will be 15minutes total so I'm not helping you destroy the avengers and save my life wait that came out wrong
daniel bruhl
Very well I guess I'll go the over the top MCU route(murders farber bada*ssly)
narrator
scarlet is at a conference in vienna surprisingly not in handcuffs, she introduces herself to john kani and american chadwick boseman whose pretending to be african by being totally cliched
scarlet johansson
Rather than just casting regular african actors right?
russo brothers
We only cast indigenous dudes when we want to suck its countrys d*ck but africa is not really on our radar right now
chadwick boseman
Besides who can play this role better than me?
scarlet johansson
Uh chiwetel ejiofor,triple A,that razak azeez dude from doom, david oyelowo
chadwick boseman
Oh yea? well I happen to be here and you happen to be giving me f*ck me eyes and apparently I abandoned my security post........... hey wait a minute
narrator
boom! The conference is attacked in order to frame sebastian
audience
Hey dawn of justice called they said stop stealing their sh*t
chadwick boseman
Hmmm perhaps we should totally arrest and investigate the avengers as only they stand to gain from this
scarlet johansson
Uh this totally doctored and convenient camera footage shows that sebastian stan did it
chadwick boseman
And what would a hydra operative and enemy of the avengers gain from this? Its not like robert can't move sh*t around to make sebastian take the fall for all I know robert probably fired an invisible tank missile at this place
scarlet johansson
n*gga you are african act the part
chadwick boseman
Well in that case.......raaaagh sebstian killed my wierdly old a*ss father and I want............revenge
chris evans
Hmmm I feel I should be doing something since this is my movie what to do what to do
scarlet johansson
The cops are unto your friend whom we are not sure we can trust but help him resist arrest anyway?
chris evans
Oh thanks now how do I find him what to do what to do
emily vancamp
Lucky you have me, sebastian stan has been located "hiding" in the city of romanian capital bucharest and by hiding I mean not making any effort to change his appearance, renting a posh condo and waltzing about the market place during the day to buy fruits
chris evans
Yes in my movie am letting two chicks to spoon feed me instructions and information this should definitely make fans to root for me against robert
anthony mackie
If we are to visit your friend we must rely on stealth
chris evans
That's right buddie
narrator
chris meets with sebastian in sebastians porche apartment totally geared to the teeth to "avoid" suspicion
chris evans
How can you afford this on a fugitive salary?
sebastian stan
Hydra still pays me pension and sh*t what do you want
chris evans
There are romanian cops on their way to kill you so we took the first 2 minute flight from america to show up in your apartment and look concerned seriously I'm actually here to ask you to surrender and get killed

romanian cops
This is the romanian police we are here to kill you that's why we are announcing our arrival
sebastian stan
Winter soldier no dey carry last(hops out window)
chris evans
No sebastian you have to surrender to police(kicks romanian police in the head and a*ss)cause we are the good guys(kicks romanian police teeth in) if you run you'll look guilty(kicks romanina police in the nuts)


To be continued.........

kay9:
Dude you just had to spoof this one too, didnt you?

But i'll it, the movie's premise and the opening scenes does require some suspension of common sense.

I couldn't help myself, make I no lie them try for civil war I'm rly impressed almost like they listened to my age of ultron complaints and its waaaaaaaaaaaaay better than BvS

narrator
the movie kicks off with the deleted avengers montage showing chris evans struggle to adjust to the modern world without his war buddies or hayley atwell who just kicked the bucket
russo brothers
Hmmmm that will certainly put people in chris evans shoes and understand why he does "certain things" in the movie.............that's why we shall cancel that
narrator
instead the russos opt for an unintentionally funny opening where sebastian stan is been brain washed in a hydra branch office
sebastian stan
Raaaaaaagh!
gene farber
Dude I bet you 20 bucks I can make you do anything
sebastian stan
Raaaagh!
gene farber
Alrightie(opens a red book) when I call the following words you shall become a soldier for hydra
sebastian stan
Seriously! I'm brainwashed by a book man that's bullsh*t Raaaaaaaagh

gene farber
Okay here I go: sh*t stain, p*nis sandwich,dong ice cream,c*m mouthwash
sebastian stan
Ok ok jesus what do you want?
gene farber
A certain superhero needs a tragic backstory
audience
Wait just like dawn of justice? Is there gonna be a Maaaaaaaaartha twist in this one too?
[B]russo brothers[/b]
What? Er No of course not(runs to go change script)
narrator
then we see the avengers 'suck-d*ck division' on another unsanctioned mission in los angelesLagos to defy the Laws of Nigeria Norm
elizabeth olsen
Hey look at me I'm drinking coffee at one of Nigeria's many coffee shops
scarlett johansson
And I'm wearing a leather jacket and leather boots when it is as hot as p*nis
During summer in Nigeria
chris evans
And I totally just slept in this room with no mosquito nets
anthony mackie
sh*t I'm standing at the top of one of Nigeria's many sky scrappers with my fully charged jetpack and mini drone despite Nigeria's epileptic power situation
Nigeria
And we totally have a disease research center that foreign terrorists are attacking..........wait what?
narrator
the avengers strike at the right moment when the bad guys have already trashed the gates, made ersby sh*t their pants and flat out murdered everyone
frank grimlo
MuaHahahaha go go gagdet hammer go go gadget knife man I'm invincible..........wait a minute? I'm an opening sequence baddie? Aw c'mon I'm more bad*ss than this I mean I killed captain america in the comics
And sh*t ugh!
chris evans
Sky dive kick b*tches
terrorist
That's weird did you totally just jump out of your hotel room or something?
chris evans
Shut up and get decapitated( kills a ton of dudes graphically)
anthony mackie
Pffft! That's nothing watch me point blank shoot this dude in the head(does so)
chris evans
elizabeth take out the knock out gas in the lab and launch it into the sky don't worry it's nigeria so no one cares about air pollution
elizabeth olsen
Or we could wait and ambush the terrorists when they get outta the building
scarlet johansson
Or we could just rig their suvs with explosives and wait for them to get in
anthony mackie
Or better still we could just send paul betany to handle everything I mean that's why robert created him right?
chris evans
and not get to risk innocent lives and property destruction? Screw that
scarlett johansson
Wait a minute I haven't kicked a*ss in this scene got to fix that, and to wait for your turn guys while I kick the sh*t outta your friends
terrorists
And we will also choose to hand combat you despite our tight schedule
scarlett johansson
Aw thanks sweety(tries to kick frank's teeth in)
frank grimlo
MuaHaha I'm another super soldier in a movie filled with super soldiers so
Your r*pe prevention gadgets don't work on me.........anyway instead of totally snapping your neck like a freaking fish stick, I shall go all james bond villain on you and toss you into this SUV with a grenade and two 'dumbass henchmen who don't know what a grenade is' for company(does so)
narrator
luckily for scarlett the russo brothers don't know what a grenade is or what an explosion looks like so scarlet walks away from an explosion without going deaf or freaking losing a limb and sh*t
frank grimlo
Hey chris you dropped a building on my face and now I want.........REVENGE
chris evans
O_o any reason why you are being dramatic and sh*t?
russo brothers
Oh we're just getting started there's more where that came from
narrator
chris makes frank his b*tch despite frank being a hybrid of superman and inspector gadget
frank grimlo
*singing* when I say sebastian you stand still oya sebastian
chris evans
What's this mortal kombat? Why should I stand still just because you are dressed as sub-zero and you called sebastians name?
frank grimlo
Sebastian
chris evans
*rolling eyes* ok I mean *gasp* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!!! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!!! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!!!
frank grimlo
Oh good you are distracted [s]time to make a slip or shove a wrist buzz saw down your throat or something[/s] EAT GRENADE YOU QUERE!!!! Go go gadget hand grenade
elizabeth olsen
Not so fast frank(does whatever the f*ck she does which contains frank just at the right moment........ that is when the grenade already went off)
chris evans
Quick shove him in the ground
elizabeth olsen
No I've got a better idea(tosses frank into a building) oops
anthony mackie
I guess your "bad ideas" followed you from the last avengers huh?
chris evans
Oh sh*t Quick! we've gotta hide elizabeth from a Nigerian lynch mob........... wait you mean nigerians who lynch innocent people in suspicion of witch craft will totally sit out on lynching elizabeth right now? Man I call bullsh*t on this one

narrator
next we see robert downey jr [s]sending relief materials to sokovian refugees[/s] giving a talk to some undergrads brought to you courtesy of M.I. m*therfucking T
robert downey
My parents were murdered in a "make it look like an accident" assassination plot and because my head is full of saw dust I totally didn't investigate the finger prints around my mothers neck or my fathers punched in face or the totally robbed trunk of their car instead I built this implausible device which CGIs you to death to make you creepy younger.............now on a non related note, I'VE FUNDED YOUR SCHOOL PROJECTS
students
Jesus! you called us to the auditorium for this? Couldn't you like send a newsletter to our college s or sms our phones or something?
school lecturer
Hey robert I've got this idea you'll love
robert downey jr
Eat a d*ck nerd wow obviously I didn't learn my anything from iron man three whatever, I'll just hop into this unsecured elevator in this creepy hallway I just hope I don't come across an ironman hater right now or I'm toast
william sharpe
robert I've been waiting at this elevator for you this whole time cause I totally knew you would ditch everyone and take this particular elevator alone and without your iron suit
robert downey jr
Yea that's kinda st*pid but you're a black welfare queen so my paranoid senses are tingling like crazy
william sharpe
n*gga I'm no welfare queen I'm just a single parent and civil servant whose son was killed in sokovia leaving me with his college loans and sh*t oh wait I'm a welfare queen wow did tyler perry write this?
robert downey jr
Oh right! This is definitely the first troll I've seen since the avengers kicked off now I'm sad hence growing a conscience for the gazillionth time
william hurt
Luckily for you the world hates you guys so now will be the time to exercise your guilt and act like a d*ck

Hey guys so you know how you go round the world trashing things
killing people and leaving without cleaning up?
(Shows a montage of MCU movie climaxes for continuity sake)
chris evans
Wow who got all that footage from those dangerous positions? The Suicide squad? see? I made a modern culture joke oh right I'm not adjusting to modern culture anymore that's good carry on willie

To be continued....

narrator
next we see ben affleck trying to decrypt the file he stole from jesse then he starts tripping balls or having a thor-like vision but who knows? It's not like anyone bothers to explain anything in this movie
ben affleck
Um why am I wearing a trench coat in a Play station 3 desert?(A truck pulls in front of him)
weapons dealer
Hey dude wanna buy some black market guns?
ben affleck
Yea well on a normal basis I would have tossed a bat-grenade into this truck and totally broken your arm but it's a dream so it's ok to be a hypocrite
weapons dealer
Psyche! We're undercover cavill-cops and we are here to kill the resistance you are leading
ben affleck
Hmmm I guess I'm a total *diot in my dreams too alright where's my lightsabre?
weapons dealer
What?
ben affleck
I mean This totally looks like a set from star wars and since this a dream I guess I can use their props disney will be totally cool with it I promise
weapons dealer
Just so you know this is the home of darkseid after his death and deposition by henry whose gone bad for some reason and now you are leading a rebellion and we are.......
ben affleck
Totally stealing from starwars and the MCU I mean jesus we are totally teaming up to fight darkseid? Why not just call it the DC copycat universe
And why are there gigantic insects everywhere? Did I just snap a guys neck? And overdose another guy on bullets? Jesus how did this movie get PG rat.....(Is knocked out by insect) oh wait the insects work for henry too? But I just saw them carrying away henrys foot soldiers like a buffet, well it's a dream I guess any crap goes
narrator
next ben is still stuck in his dream asdart-vader henry arrives but doesn't have a breathing mask and weird ultronish voice modulator
henry cavill
Just in case the audience are confused about me being good or bad I shall laser-eye f*ck some of my lieutenants for no reason, now ben she was my world?
ben affleck
Who your mom?
henry cavill
*shrugs* I dunno It's not in the script
Any way you took her away from me.
ben affleck
did I kill her?
henry cavill
what part of ITS NOT IN THE SCRIPT are you not getting right now? Sh*t(proceeds to give ben a super hand job)
ben affleck
hey dude cut that out that tickles
(wakes up) holy f*ck a 3D movie
ezra miller
No you m*ron I'm stealing the thor vision scene from avengers 2, now make sure you save her she is the key(disappears)
ben affleck
Jesus christ! Couldn't you write your message on a paper and show it to me or perhaps take a deep breath and explain what the sh*t is going on? See Now I'm just gonna ignore your message and give jeremy sh*t for dropping LSD in my coffee or something,oh wait jesse's files have been decrypted and there's a picture of a lady who fairly resembles gal and could easily for her grand mom so why did she pull that stunt at jesses party?
jeremy irons
What's up sir?
ben affleck
So I just found the white portuguese which is totally a vessel
jeremy irons
no sh*t, anyway I just used my super powers of 'plot acceleration' to decipher that there's no dirty bomb on that ship
ben affleck
Like duh! Who would want to buy a dirty bomb in america when we've got like a tonne of them, callan is carrying a rock which is capable of weakening kryptonian cells, how I know this or how I know calvin is from a planet called krypton is not necessary so I'm gonna steal the rock and kill henry with it
jeremy irons
Because he trashed your building? I thought the terraforming did that?
ben affleck
Screw him he is a threat
jeremy irons
just because they say so on tv? never took you to be a sucker for media propaganda
ben affleck
*rolling eyes* ok fine it's in the title man we are supposed to fight now if you excuse me, I've got a date with callan at the gotham docks and how I know when exactly he will be there is also not necessary
narrator
scoot mcnairy is bailed from jail by jesse eisenberg
scoot mcnairy
Hey jesse why did you bail me out of jail?
jesse eisenberg
yea I bailed you from prison cleaned you up and got you charles xaviers vintage wheelchair Just because it's tuesday I'm so up to nothing(nose sprouts like pinnochio)
narrator
callan and his goons who just happen to be russian because racism never gets old in hollywood are at the docks
callan mulvey
Yea we've totally bribed the guards of the docks and we've sealed the rock in lexcorp crates and loaded them into lexcorp trucks to avoid suspicion
audience
So why exactly are you armed to the teeth with assault rifles and rocket launchers?
callan mulvey
*shrugs* I guess it's something bad guys do I mean I never go to the bathroom without carrying an AK-47 with me
ben affleck
Yea I showed up in my bat suit to place a tracker on a lexcorp truck rather than just tailing them with a bat drone or something
audience
Oh that's smart perhaps you can find out where they drop the kryptonite and you stealthily snatch it from them
ben affleck
nah! screw it *typical batman action scene 2; the car chase* hey how exactly did I sneak my bat mobile into the docks with all the security around?
Anyway........ yea take that for sneaking kryptonite into gotham(brutally smashes car killing everyone in it), f*ck my morality code(shoots the f*ck out of an suv killing everyone in it) and this is just for sh*ts and giggles(smashes the ships and trashes the property of innocent people) yea I live for this sh*t.... oh f*ck henry cavill is here I shall mow him with my awesome weaponized resilent epic bat mobile
narrator
henry crashes the car with his d*ck
callan mulvey
Thanks (escapes)
henry cavill
So I just saw a bunch of russian thugs shooting a sh*t ton of bullets and rockets at you and so I decided you should be stopped
ben affleck
What? That's bullsh*t man they were clearly attacking me first c'mon
henry cavill
*rolling eyes* Okay fine I'll let you off with a warning don't make me regret it
ben affleck
Hey wait! Whose gonna pay for the damage to my car? C'mon you wrecked it.......grrrrrr! I'm gonna find you and ki...... Oh sh*t wrong script I meant I'm gonna make you bleed

To be continued......

Tosinex:
hello bro where can I the movie free... please help with link.

bros na wa for u o so you o dash them ya money small na, just kidding

I actually watched it on someones laptop so I don't rly know but I think if you google "batman v superman dawn of justice"(3gp or mp4) something should come up


@gebbson007 yea superman came back to life his heart beat made the dirt levitate or some sh*t, according to zack it's supposed to be a cliff hanger as if we beg am

narrator
next at the daily planet laurence fishburne is once again giving henry sh*t
laurence fishburne
SO............ I asked you to........... write about sports*flash and spectacle* and you do the batman *takes deep breath* story huh?

henry cavill
O_o dude chill out you just have about 11 lines in this movie I don't think anyone is here to watch an overweight black dude scream at superman
laurence fishburne
Oh yea? What if I do this(rips henry's article in two) this half is for my shoes and the other half is for my a*ss
henry cavill
[s]grrrr you wouldn't dare I hate working here I quit afterall I can always take this to a blogger or something[/s]
*shakes head like a teenage kid scolded by his high school's team coach*
laurence fishburne
You know what's weird?
henry cavill
you have absolutely diddly squat significance to this movie and perhaps this worthless five minutes could be invested in the characters that actually matter like say superman and batman?
laurence fishburne
wow dude innaprops..........
Anyway what I meant was you could always punch ben through a wall or something and end his "reign of terror" what do you need us for? Your motivation for fighting ben is even more senseless than ben's motivation to fight you
henry cavill
Jesus! why do you keep calling me superman?
laurence fishburne
Cause you make absolutely no effort to disguise your self properly, I'm surprised the police haven't done a line up for superman with you on it.
henry cavill
I'm telling you I'm not super..... oh hey so I've got to er take.... a.... sh*t I mean a call I mean take out the trash? Shoot I should come up with better excuses when dashing out for super hero biz........anyway BRB
laurence fishburne
Yea sure like no one will get suspiscious when they notice you aren't in the loo, note to superheroes when you wanna work do it after your regular job I'm looking your way flash and green arrow
narrator
so ben totally travels 3minutes interstate to metropolis and infiltrates jesses party as the philantrophic billionaire that was all over the papers for rescuing a ton of people during the famous man of steel climax, he does such an awesome job of being stealthy that he is spotted immediately he hops out of his car
henry cavill
Hmmm with all the hot glamourous and flashy socialites at this event I only chose to notice a crappily dressed brooding dude whose that?
waka
oh so you know about the batman but not ben affleck I see?
henry cavill
Well yea aint no crime
waka
And all your years in america living in gothams twin city I assume you've been living under a rock or something
henry cavill

waka
And I suppose you don't read the papers since he was almost made time man of the year when he rescued some of his workers while you trashed all of metropolis
henry cavill
why does everyone keep calling me superman?
waka
Oh we ain't supposed to know? it ain't our fault they never specified if your identity was secret in this movie ok?
narrator
so ben walks into the hall where jesse does cartoon character impersonations........ And oh gal gadot is here looking as suspicious as f*ck
ben affleck
Ugh! This party sucks balls time to use the gps in my head to find jesses server room and cram a sh*t ton of data into a flash drive under 30seconds *humming james bond theme*
jeremy irons
Ahem! Wrong franchise ben you're batman ?
henry cavill
Wait what? I totally used my super hearing to find out that ben is batman and is obviously up to something......I'll get to that as soon as jesse finishes his sketch comedy it's so hilarious
narrator
ben shows his awesome ninja-like stealthiness by GETTING CAUGHT BY TAO OKAMOTO
tao okamoto
Er ben entrepreneur/jesses business rival affleck, what are you doing in jesses camera-less server room with confidential information for lexcorp?
audience
Oh my sh*t I just checked imdb and tao okamoto is playing mercy graves, luthor's bad a*ss hench woman I bet we will be getting some japanese martial arts stunts no wonder they got a jap to play her *gets a fanboy b*ner*
ben affleck
hey lady I like your shoes
tao okamoto
*blushing*Awwwwn thank you, take as much time as you like and steal as much as you want(leaves the room)
ben affleck
Yep that works everytime
audience
*lose fanboy b*ners*
narrator
ben is blocked by henry on his way back to the hall
henry cavill
[s]I totally know you are the batman so I wanna take you by the ear and drag you to a nearby police station then I'll proceed to write the exclusive of you being the batman and get a promotion probably[/s] hey ben let's talk about our citys superhero reps you know the way football fans argue whose team is better
ben affleck
Ok........... your hero sucks his suit is really ugly and makes him look totally gay
henry cavill
And your hero stuffs himself with all these gadgets just to battle street thugs
ben affleck
well your heros story in this movie was stolen from the superhero comedy flick hancock
henry cavill
*gasp* how dare you? Well your heros origin story of bats floating him out of a cave is totally aquaman sh*t
ben affleck

henry cavill

jesse eisenberg
Hey guys glad to see how you are getting along *snickering* bat sorry I mean ben meet super.......cavill I guess you two are getting to know....... each....... other if you know what I mean?
ben affleck
And what happened to your pretensious shakespeare theatrics?
jesse eisenberg
yea I got tired .........now I'm doing my character from rio oh by the way have you met gal god I mean gadot?
ben affleck
Oh that reminds me I've got to go take a leak in your server room jesse I'll brb
narrator
the movie gets more james bond as mystery girl gal gadot steals the flash drive she didn't see ben plant
ben affleck
Hey why are you stealing the info I stole from jesse?
gal gadot
Cause jesse has an embarassing selfie of me that I'm trying to destroy
ben affleck
O_o by stealing a copy from me?
gal gadot
Yea I don't really know that much about computers cause it's been encrypted and I couldn't open it
ben affleck
lady it's 2016 I doubt there is hardly a computer illiterate out ther....... Oh I forgot zack snyder hates women, I wonder what you were gonna do if you didn't get my flash drive? Would you have stolen his whole house or something
gal gadot
Well in all fairness I'm 10X stronger than any human and I've lived for 5 milleniums
ben affleck
Rrrrrrrrrr! So tell me do you bleed?
gal gadot
And that's how you hit on chicks? No wonder you're single and bitter
ben affleck
and that just cost you relevance to the plot now go wait for me at the movies finale I've got to rendevouz with callan in an action scene
narrator
then we see an interlude a scene where harry lennix sneaks to meet with amy adams
audience
Cool an irrelevant scene I guess I can hit the restroom now
harry lennix
really classy guys anyway so amy I just examined the bullets fragments and surprise surprise it's from lexcorp.........now take your bullet fragment back and f*ck yourself with it
amy adams
Wait aren't you going to at least produce this as evidence that perhaps henry didn't commit the mass murder?
harry lennix
Hell no, you know how hard it was for a black dude to be secretary ain't gonna ruin it by getting to bottom of this now if you excuse me I've got to go rehearse for my next scene which sees me sitting on my hands and being a totally incompetent secretary of defence, a quality that keeps you in the job bye
amy adams
Ugh!
narrator
next we are shown a montage of cavill saving a little girl from a fire in mexico and then looking all sexy about it while the mexicans worship him like a god?(Racist DC), then we see him working out with a NASA rocket, then we see him working out again by dragging a vessel across ice then we see him taking his sweet time to inspect his 'S' distress logo on a flood victims roof top all in sloooooooooooow mooooooooo
audience
Jesus! Hey zack you wanna lay off the pain and sorrow surrounding this movie damn! It's even more depressing than watchmen
suicide squad
Gulp!
henry cavill
Yea so I just saved a bunch of a*sses I bet the world loves me now
World
Reverse time back to pre man of steel and you've got yourself a deal
henry cavill
mommy
diane lane
Awww baby you aren't a bad guy
henry cavill
But they say I'm a jerk and I've no regard for property damage and I break the rules
diane lane
Those aren't true my love they are just hating on you cause you are fly (nose sprouts like pinnochio)
audience
Hey how come that fat dude from that ihop hasn't totally come out to tell the world supermans real identity?
zack snyder
Nah he won't do that he's a man of honor I mean it's part of the bully code
To be continued.......

narrator
holly hunter visits jesse eisenberg again
jesse eisenberg
Why does thou giveth me thy f*ck me eyes does thou not knoweth that thou is being creepy especially as thou be old enough to be my mother?
holly hunter
Ew I'm not flirting with you I'm just trying to look sexy and empowered or isn't that how U.S female Politicians act? I'm looking your way sarah palin
jesse eisenberg
er ew! Have ye looked in a mirror lately?
holly hunter
*gasp* why you little........ That's it I'm rejecting your import license now I shall make a gross analogy about piss and tea then I shall bid you farewell jerk!(Walks away)
holly's assistant
Ahem! I can give you access to the kryptonian spacecraft and micheal shannons body
jesse eisenberg
Er should all that not be in thy military possession in thy area 51 or something? I mean it's not something ye junior senators will haveth access to , for a movie which takes thy self seriously it is astonishly how highly unrealistic it is
holly's assistant
I will get you all you need and provide you with free workspace to f*ck around with the corpse of an alien who almost killed us all but on one condition
jesse eisenberg
Which is?
holly's assistant
Awkwardly feed me a candy and you've got yourself a deal
narrator
meanwhile lois meets with harry lennix from man of steel
harry lennix
Hello amy (who I owe my promotion to) what can I do for you besides be a total b*tch and waste your time?
amy adams
Is the american military supplying somalinairomi terrorists with arms?
harry lennix
hehehe no we are not but we believe cavill is their sponsor and supplies them with lex corp arms and ammunition cause we have feathers for brains you see......... Now go make yourself useful and jump off a building so cavill can save you and give the audience a little action scene
amy adams
Ok why don't you analyze this bullet for me it came from that raid in somalianairomi
harry lennix
Okay fine I shall investigate and get to the bottom of this case that no one gives a crap about
narrator
next we see scoot mcnairy who is now confined to a wheel chair and mad at a henry cavill statue
scoot mcnairy
Grrrr! I'm in a wheel chair and I hate henry and I want to get back at him so I shall............DEFACE A HENRY CAVILL'S STATUE MUAHAHAHAHA! Of course I'm a m*ron so I'll totally do it in the full glare of the laziest policemen in america
lazy policemen
Dude put down that spray can
scoot mcnairy
Hey calm down let me just spray 'false god' and the superman logo then I'll get down
lazy policemen
Ok hurry up you've got 60minutes
narrator
next we see ben affleck in an underground fight club spying on callan
ben affleck
Yep it's me famous billionaire and philantrophist ben affleck out here in this obviously illegal gambling t making eye with a paranoid mercenary who just went on a mass murder spree that's certainly a good idea, hey callan!
calvin mulley
What?
ben affleck
So here's the thing I know you are a mercenary and you are doing jesse eisenbergs bidding so how about we go out back and I smash your hands with a hammer and you reveal to me what you're helping him with
calvin mulley
Well if we do that, it will make us an action scene short so just clone my phone by placing your phone on the table next to my phone even though you don't know my number or even if I brought a phone with me........ what makes you think it's my phone you are cloning and not the bartenders or someone else in the room? And how come cloning a phone takes seconds especially when there are a bunch of stuff on it?
ben affleck
Dude shut up I cloned your phone okay? Now go wait in the next action scene jeez!
narrator
then ben heads back to the bat cave
ben affleck
Hi lucious..... I mean alfred I mean who are you playing again?
jeremy irons
Er alfred? your burtler?
ben affleck
My point exactly. don't you ever get to do anything interesting in this movie apart from sit around the computer and yan ballz to me all day........oh by the way here's your coffee? Really? I'm bringing alfred coffee?
jeremy irons
So I totally saw a chat between jesse eisenberg and callan about a white portuguese it sounds like a thing or a place I'm guessing you could ask google
ben affleck
Oh it's definitely a dude cause I'm that much of a racist and a bad detective
jeremy irons
*rolling eyes* alright fine how about you go [s]abduct jesse eisenberg and drug/interrogate him into telling you who the white portugese is[/s] spy on jesse eisenberg as it turns out he invited you to a 'spy on my house' dinner part so I shall begin booking your flight
ben affleck
Nah in this movie metropolis is just a few feet away from gotham I can even spit that far
DC nerds
what da f*ck
ben affleck
Oh yea james bond I mean ben affleck out

To be continued......

awwww! Kiddie!!!
The N5 small size tasted like concrete but the N10 large size was a lot softer especially when you mix it up with condensed milk, thank God for my life say jedi jedi no kill me when I small

shockwave91:
LMAO!! Only d 1st line got me cracking up. U just know this. is. gonna. be. GOOD.
Take it away severee!!


Still haven't seen this one

You haven't seen it? Lucky you the movie is a nightmare

Imagine zack snyder that directed dawn of the dead and 300 and even watchmen david s goyer that wrote the dark knight and two of the most iconic superheroes in the world fighting each other, how they messed this up continues to be a mystery

narrator
next we see holly hunter a US senator on the balls bursting committee called "the henry cavill balls bursting committee" meet with jesse eisenberg whose playing...........
jesse eisenberg
Lex f*cking luthor babe, we are just trying to keep up with the DC tradition of picking the wrong people for the wrong parts you know.......... halleberry as catwoman,arnold swarchzenegger as mr freeze ,george clooney as batman hell they almost casted one of the wayan bros as robin and nicholas cage as superman one time pfffft! DC amirite? ............I can sense your disappointment already but don't worry I shall not let you down *disney cartoon villain + pretensious shakespeare mode activated* thou art welcome to thy villain fortress of thy movie, gods falleth from heaven and demons falleth from thy skies as well
zack snyder
Yea people........ feel the depth and art of this movie
audience
Zzzzzzzzzz!
holly hunter
So you called me to your home this better be good
jesse eisenberg
I've have noticed that thou hateth thy henry cavill and feareth for thy safety of earth so through plot holes of thy hollywood I've foundeth that kryptonite be thy cavills weakness and can be used as a deterrent for he and thy meta human clan out there and all I need is ye permission to importeth thy kryptonite which hath magically appeared in india because..........plot holes
holly hunter
*long sigh*

1. Shouldn't you be submitting your research to the government for oversight especially as it concerns national freaking security and
2. Couldn't you tell me all these over the phone?
jesse eisenberg
Hmmmm *flips through shakespeare novel* ahem! Doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love............... And scene
audience
I'm sooooooo getting a refund
zack snyder
*clapping* oh God this is definitely what comic book movie fans have been asking for; cartoonish dudes with a bad wig that quotes shakespeare
narrator
next we are introduced to ben afflecks version of the batman
ben affleck
hi guys how christopher nolan was ashamed of batman comics and decided to change EVERYTHING about it, even his freaking name? Well we are defying bat traditions again simply out of laziness
- Apparently now I'm no longer squimish about guns anymore infact all my gadgets look like guns and my car shoots people
- I don't kill people but I skillfully outsource the killing of criminals to violent prisoners I call it the bat branding pretty cool huh?

- I still suck at being the worlds greatest detective
- and oh now I see visions apparently who would have thought?
so now that I've run that by you people let's do the usual batman scenes that we see in every batman movie,usual scene one;I scare the sh*t outta policemen and make them talk about me like they are talking about an urban legend or something(tricks a policeman into almost blowing his partners head off). damn it! That would have made my night
jeremy irons
Hey master ben so I borrowed a metal suit from tony stark and I'm mending it into a bat exo-skeleton you know...... just incase you battle a powerful alien at the end of this movie and I've also worked on your voice modulator so you don't sound awful like christian bales batman I don't get it what's all the hype with batmans voice? Can't her just speak normally?
ben affleck
isn't that the luscious job?
jeremy irons
Yep?
ben affleck
And I just looked up imdb and it says you are playing alfred whose is supposed to be fixing me some dinner, holy sh*t I'm as hungry as a motherf*cker right now.........anyway I visited a prostitute warehouse and questioned a dude who works for callan mulvey aka the kgbeast and he laughed his head off cause he didn't know KGBeast was in this movie till he looked it up on wikkipedia so I got pissed branded him out of annoyance
jeremy irons
yea I guess in an overcrammed ambitious movie like this callan is just gonna be another unnamed thug just like dead shot in dark knight rises....... And come to think of it isn't he a gun for hire?
ben affleck
Yea? And he is sneaking a dirty bomb into gotham(nose sprouts like pinnochio)
jeremy iron
Well why don't you buy the dirty bomb from him and save yourself the trouble or notify CTU so they can interrogate his a*ss or beef up security at the docks or something problem solved
ben affleck
f*ck you man we need to stretch this mystery over 2hours and 30minutes okay? Now if you excuse me I have to totally turn this movie into a james bond flick
narrator
back in metropolis amy adams is taking a bath while thinking about the lives lost in nairomi(man just say somalia)
henry cavill
Hey why the frowny face my love?
amy adams
They said you killed those people in africa
henry cavill
Babe I don't give a f*ck about what happened in metropolis or nairomi(man just say somalia) I don't give a f*ck about the widows I've created or about the billions of dollars in property damage all I care about is shoving my man of steel up in your lois lane
amy adams
oh sex! yep that's definitely how to help someone who had a traumatic experience
zack snyder
Ok so we have to give amy adams something to do even though it leads to nothing in the movie.........oh I know why don't you go investigate the bullet in your diary that's definitely something the audience want to see
narrator
at the daily planet henry cavill an intern without university education has suddenly being bumped up to news column writer even though he sucks at his job and is hardly at the office
laurence fishburn
hey henry you are terrible at your job
henry cavill
Look at whose talking, you just allowed an unguarded amy adams (who almost died a few scenes ago) to go interrogate the US army about supplying weapons and ammunition to african terrorists
laurence fishburn
Well if you don't have a bunch of assassins hunting your a*ss or a gang of lawyers suing you for libel or whatever then you ain't doing it right, so what's your excuse why are you writing about ben whose in gotham?
henry cavill
Because he is dangerous?
laurence fishburn
Only to criminals
henry cavill
But he's trampling on the rights of the citizens
laurence fishburn
Well when you choose the life of crime, you actually lose your rights and privileges don't you agree?
henry cavill
And people are living in fear
laurence fishburn
Yea I suppose that's why they shine the bat signal in the sky besides no one lives in gotham as you've seen so far
henry cavill
Yea seriously, extras department what's the deal with empty gotham?
I hope this isn't because an epic fight is gonna take place there and they don't want audience b*tching about endagering peoples lives and sh*t
laurence fishburn
You know what's weird though? you're superman you can hear all the distress of the world and resolve them all at the same time within the fraction of a second without even breaking a sweat
Which kills two birds with a stone, 1 being that you get the front seat view to a ton of stories and 2 being that it may change the worlds opinion about you so why chase ben?
henry cavill
Er Super who now?
laurence fishburn
Wait I'm supposed to not know you are superman simply because of your geeky glasses and nothing else? for godsakes dude you are both the same height, same build,same hair and eye color and you both make out with amy adams
henry cavill
O_o I have no idea what you are talking about I'm just a small town boy from smallville and that's why I sound like a brit faking an american accent and nothing like the farm boy I claim to be(nose sprouts like pinnochio)
laurence fishburn
Anyway stop with the ben affleck stories from now on you cover sports that's why you shall attend a non sports function hosted by non sports person jesse eisenberg that surprise surprise has ben affleck in it see ya!

To be continued......

@armadeo @elcount
My brodas na so we see am o DC don do am again,marvel will be laffing their heads off by now at least it's better than green lantern sha
As for wonder woman well her appearance seemed forced and she had little to no impact on the story, the only good thing about this movie is the cinematography and the scores everything else......... 0

DC executives
marvel is totally sh*tting on DC comics with their cinematic universe idea which they had in the oven for over 4 years so we shall compete with our own extensive universe(no kidding we are calling it the DC extensive universe) which is barely a minute old
DC president
Hmmmmm I see this is a st*pid brilliant idea and will never ever come around to bite us in the a*ss especially when tons of characters in our "extensive universe" have tv shows or at least have appeared in some and are played by like 8 differenet actors who look nothing alike, so what buns do we have in the oven?
DC executives
Well we have superman v batman series, the alternate universe series,the villain wars series justice league and the suicide squad
DC president
*snaps out of sleep* wow even hearing that alone makes me bored but lucky for you I wanna make a billion dollars so f*cking bad so you've got the green light our secret weapon to make our movies more superior will be a black comedy theme,[s]snatch half of MCUs staff to throw marvel off their game[/s], MONEY and RUSHED EDITING, marvel will not know what hit them
narrator
A movie called Batman V superman starts with a few seconds of violent clubbering between batman and superman(duh) before it backdates to how their feud began
zack snyder
psyche! I'm gonna kick off this movie with an origin story of how bruce waynes parents were murdered and how he became the batman
audience
Ugh! We've seen that a billion times already
zack snyder
no but you haven't seen it this way before
narrator
jeffrey morgan and lauren cohen are shot right in front of young bruce waynes eyes in slooooooooooooow mooooooooooooo then ben affleck is playing narrator but falls asleep and forgets about it, then we see young peter quill young bruce wayne after the death of his parents racing about the hospital cemetary then he is zapped into a space craftfalls into a hole filled with space pirates bats which turns him into the...........starlord Batman
[b]zack snyder
So........... What do y'all think?
audience
Zzzzzzzzzzzz!
zack snyder
Prick
narrator
next we see ben affleck in a tv commercial for jeep suvs
ben affleck
Wait what? No this isn't an ad for suvs this is the climax of man of steel from my perspective(calls an old dude who we don't know)
old dude we don't know
Hey ben so I was thinking can we like leave work early on of metropolis being invaded by freaking aliens
ben affleck
Yea sure, this is a way better excuse than what you gave last time
old dude we don't know
Alright everyone rather waiting for firefighters or national guards to take us to safety, let's run around like crazy people and get crushed just because ben says it's ok, as for me I'll dramatically say a last prayer before I di......(Gets dubstepped to death)
audience
All outta f*cks to give dude I'm sorry
narrator
meanwhile ben is going all danger dash on us when his office building collapses and totally sprays dust everywhere except on ben affleck cos he's too sexy for that, he spots one of his workers
scoot mcnairy
Wait a minute how did I get here? Did I fall out of the building? Or did a wall just conveniently fall on my legs during a freaking skyscrapper collapse? Oh shit now I can't move my crushed legs which don't have blood on them for some reason Oh! Ben I bet henry did this to me because of that st*pid sex offenders list I told you I DIDN'T R*PE ROSAMUND PIKE back me up on that ben
ben affleck
Uh dude you know this is not gone girl right?
scoot mcnairy
Wait so you mean henry threw a wall on my legs for no reason? Oh f*ck I hate that dude I hate him so much
ben affleck
Oh shut up you whiny little sh*t or I ma call liam neeson on your a*ss again
scoot mcnairy
Right that movie did happen, damn I'm playing the same whiny geeky character again what's with hollywood giving me this sh*tty roles man my agent is so fired hey ben ben where you going?
narrator
ben saves a little girl from becoming picasso on cement art
ben affleck
Wohoo! I saved someone......... oh wait maybe I shoulda asked if she still has parents to know if the save is worth it
little girl
Or maybe you shoulda dressed up in your bat costume and bring along a batman rescue people mobile work more efficiently
ben affleck
Hmmmm food for thought
little girl
And maybe you should test to see if I'm some freakish alien or mutant cos I just survived a skyscrapper collapse
without a scratch or going deaf
ben affleck
Na that's comic book logic that doesn't count
little girl
And maybe you shoulda prepared for this invasion especially since a UFO was found somewhere in alaska for Godsake micheal shannon gave the world 24 hours before flipping out on us it's so weird you existed in this universe when this sh*t went down but you totally sat on your hands and shouldn't you be rescuing other people?
ben affleck
alright lil lady I think you need a hug.........yay! Front row seat to watch henry beat the snot outta micheal shannon gosh I knew I should have brought some pop corn
henry cavill
oh pardon me metropolis nothing to see here just pounding the snot outta gen micheal here(crashes into another building)
insurance companies
Hey c'mon dude not cool
donald trump
Wohooo! Y'all should attack buildings more often
david s goyer
So from here
-henry is arrested and imprisoned by the A.R.G.U.S
- the teraforming causes radiation which increases the metropolis attacks casualty rate one of whom is jason todd or terry mcginnis whose dear to bruce which sends bruce over the edge
- A.R.G.U.S studies on kryptonian technology inadvertently releases braniac who hacks their systems and finds a way to communicate with henry in prison
- braniac turns henry against earth to save his race
- ben affleck goes darker and does the unexpected by teaming up with lex to destroy henry
- at the climax it all falls apart henry is "killed" by a severly injured ben whose too weak to escape police enroute
- and A.R.G.U.S discovers bread crumbs leading to atlantis just before the screen goes black
zack snyder
Hmmm good idea definitely different from the others
david s goyer
Yea I guess I put a lot of thought into it
zack snyder
you did WHAT!!! How many times do I have to tell you the number one rule of hollywood
david s goyer
*sigh* be lazy and prosper
zack snyder
Exactly now do it all over again but this time hire the 5 year old kid that writes power ranger scripts to help you out moneys not a problem
david s goyer
Very well sir
narrator
so........the movie throws it's goodwill in the trash and forgets all about the 'henry owning up to the destruction of metropolis' story, it's been 18 months and somehwere in nairomi africa(man just say somalia) daily planet reporter amy adams is [s]trying to the relevant in an overcrammed movie[/s] interviewing an african warlord for her news story called Africa and how Hollywood sh*ts on it
amy adams
Okay first question, why are there heavily armed mercenaries surrounding you?do you need such expertise to terrorize defenseless villagers?

african terrorist
Perhaps I should look into that but I'm way too excited Yay! I love superman comics and my favourite characters are lois lane and her clumsy intern/photographer jimmy olsen
micheal cassidy
Well this jimmy olsen happens to be a gritty CIA agent who sneaked in a tracking device in my camera yea fool proof plan
african terrorist
Wow really? YOU'VE RUINED MY CHILDHOOD!!! (Shoots jimmy in the face)
callan mulvey
The moment we've all be waiting for after all these years of pretending to be friends with you guys has come now let's carelessly kill our customers in iron man 1 style
terrorists
What why?
callan mulvey
So we can terrorize the villagers
terrorists
Can't y'all just stroll over there and murder a f*ckton of people? We won't mind
callan mulvey
Well we also need to frame henry and make it look like he killed those people
To make him look bad so the world hates him and then lex luthor can kill him

terrorists
Why not just skip to killing henry I mean it's not like you need the worlds permission before you do that
callan mulvey
You know what? Shut up(murders everyone and leads a raid on a nearby village)
zack snyder
and to make sure the audience feel the carnage and sorrow, we shall show absolutely non of the raid so the audience are confused for half the movie
narrator
meanwhile, amy is in a hut with african terrorist whose keeping her alive for no reason
amy adams
So........ Do you still wanna continue the interview?
african terrorist
F*ck no b*tch
amy adams
Oh God you're gonna r*pe me aren't you? oh please don't r*pe me....... hmmm maybe it was a bad idea to send a pretty red head to interview a savage and unpredictable terrorist note to aljazeera's sexy arab journalists
african terrorist
er I don't wanna r*pe you either since you're henry's girlfriend and I suppose he will be hitting that so I don't think I'm gonna like what I see down there I'm surprised you can still walk straight
amy adams
So what's going on?
african terrorist
I don't know I guess this what bad guys do right?Oh sh*t did I just say henry is your boyfriend?
henry cavill
(Crashes through roof) I don show
african terrorist
Hey how did you find me?
henry cavill
I heard amys cry over a thousand miles away
african terrorist
And you didn't hear me terrorize the villages in this country or shoot micheal cassidy in the freaking face? Real classy henry I guess the world is right to hate you
henry cavill
Come to think of it how does this my hearing thing work? Since i basically hear the whole world don't I get headaches or something? How do I even think straight?
amy adams
Hey ladies out there what do you do when you have an all powerful and yet violent boyfriend? You encourage him to be more violent so that one day he gets outta control and tosses you from a f*cking window watch and learn hey babe I want you to kill african terrorist while I watch *licks lips*
henry cavill
Oh sh*t I got a b*ner(takes african terrorist dude to another continent with his d*ck)
amy adams
Oh you bad bad boy *sizzles* oh wait my colleague just died have to look sad and shocked but NOT take a leave of absence from work.........ugh henry is such a jerk how do I get home now?
To be continued.........

narrator
lea and daniels severly underdeveloped "love" blows christoph and his henchmen away and frees daniel because somehow chair straps respond to computers daniel and lea then engage in a weird gunfight that wavered from shooting spectre baddies for a second and eye-f*cking each other for another couple of seconds , then suddenly for inexplicable reasons the whole facility blows to sh*t
daniel craig
How is this big-a*ss explosion not making us deaf right now?
lea seydoux
I'm more concerned about how we will make it back to england
daniel craig
No problem we shall totally GTA this helicopter conveniently placed behind us with a full gas tank, it's keys left in the ignition and a magic map that will tell us how to get back to england
narrator
with faith trust and pixie dust daniel and lea make it back to london anyway
Daniel craig
Hey ralph
ralph fiennes
you son of a b*tch why i oughta (grabs daniel by the throat) PSYCHE! Waddup daniel? got something for me?
daniel craig
Sure! andrew is a bad guy and christoph waltz is dead
ralph fiennes
And i should believe this because........................
daniel craig
When i blew up those building blocks in mexico and..........
ralph fiennes
so you did blow up those buildings you turd
Daniel craig
Dude do you want an excuse to kick andrews a*ss or not
ralph fiennes
Fine let's all hop into the mystery machine and solve this riddle daniel you coming?
daniel craig
Sure, hey lea where are you going?
lea seydoux
Er I just thought about it and I don't think I love you that much so I'm leaving you......now i shall walk into this lonely dark alley all by myself
daniel craig
Er shouldn't you wait till we are done with spectre to talk about this? C'mon do you even know your way around london? You know what? Fine! go, you are just gonna get kidnapped again anyway(walks away)
narrator
in the "empty" streets of london daniel and ralph cruise to kick andrews a*ss when their car gets f*cked up by spectre baddies immediately killing ralph fiennes and giving daniel a violent concussion........PSYCHE! They are both fine because it's a bond movie, anyway daniel is taken away while no one sees a 50 year old ralph fiennes slip through the scene because he is that sleek
ralph fiennes
Oh they took away daniel.........*shrugs* oh well more andrew a*ss for me to kick
narrator
daniel is driven to the old MI6 building which looks like an antic from the 60s and not a building that was evacuated 4years ago, daniel over powers spectre baddies by sneezing on them and walks into the building to find it has been made into a bond taunting funfair
audience
Hey sam joker from batman called he said STOP STEALING HIS SH*T
daniel craig
Hmmm maybe i shoulda waited to see what i was up against before overpowering those guys I guess I should be very stealthy from now on....... SON OF A B*TCH! christoph waltz is alive?(empties a whole clip at a christoph waltz whose standing behind bullet proof glass)
christoph waltz
Hi, i spent all day putting up bullet proof glasses and posters of past villains because........
audience
*rolling eyes* all craig movies are related we get it
christoph waltz
i also rigged this building to explode making this the third grand explosion in this movie because I'm evil you see?
daniel craig
Wow i'm more concerned with how you walked away from that other blast with just a crappy scar you were supposed to be blown to sh*t man!..........wait did you just say you rigged the building to BLOW?!
christoph waltz
Yea and i shoved lea in M's office so you'll spend all 3 minutes looking for her
daniel craig
Lea's here?Wow all it took was less than 5seconds to get recaptured ugh! What a b*tch
christoph waltz
Well now that i've trapped you in the building i shall now fly away as easily as i flew in despite being known to MI6 as a terrorist goodbye mr.craig
narrator
meanwhile ralph boringly confronts andrew
ralph fiennes
M doesn't really mind you earning a little money on the side...... Oops wrong script but wait aren't we repeating the opening scene from casino royale?
andrew scott
No we aren't
ralph fiennes
It's night, the buildings all dark you are a high ranking british intelligence officer
andrew scott
Still don't see any similarity........ ha! i shall shoot you with an.......
ralph fiennes
Empty gun? Just like casino royale i'm even gonna flash your catridge at you and stuff
andrew scott
Oh my gosh this is totally casino royale that's why i shall spice things up by fighting like a little girl
ralph fiennes
And i shall fight like a grandpa
narrator
the dance of shame goes on for not too long before andrew falls off a building and dies like a disney cartoon character
audience
Hey winter soldier called they said STOP STEALING THEIR SH*T
narrator
meanwhile, daniel uses the GPS in his P*nis to find where Lea is stashed
daniel craig
Hey lea i'm glad you are alright now we shall jump a billion feet
lea seydoux
To our deaths?
daniel craig
Oh don't be silly we'll totally survive it i learnt this from skyfall(jumps a billion feet and lands on a motor boat.......... don't ask) hey isn't that christoph's chopper?
christoph waltz
Lalalalalalalalala escaping in my chopper no worries in the world
daniel craig
B*tch please!(shoots chopper down with a hand gun because laws of physics is also forbidden in bond universe )
sam mendes
Just thought i go biblical and throw an ode to david and goliath you know what i'm saying?
narrator
christoph's chopper crashes but he doesn't die for "opportunity to return" reasons, daniel hops outta his motor boat and walks towards christoph
christoph waltz
Oh thank God, please daniel shoot me i don't wanna be in another cheesy bond flick please
sam mendes
Cheesy? But kingsmen said they liked bond movies this way
mathew vaughn
Haha suckers(goes along to make a gritty as f*ck movie)
daniel craig
I would love to shoot you right now but I've got a tonne of cops who will witness me kill an unarmed dude so sorry can't help
ralph fiennes
Hey christoph on behalf of her majestys secret service i shall now hook you up to a life time supply of prison r*pe b*tch
christoph waltz
O_o how exactly are you gonna do that? You have no evidence that I'm evil and your only witnesses are an alchoholic insurbudonate MI6 agent who murdered a ton mexicans in a terror attack and a well respected british intelligence officer you carelessly killed
ralph fiennes
alright fine I'll give you a lift home but no more evil spectre stuff you promise?
christoph waltz
Yea yea I promise(nose sprouts like pinnochios)

End
audience
Thank you God
naomi harris
Oh sh*t wait stop i forgot the evil satellite is about to launch we are going to be spied on and andrew is the only guy who knows how to turn it off
audience
Oh God WHyyyyyyyyyy?
ben whishaw
Pfft! I've got this i shall miraculously shut it down with my laptop i woulda used my phone but my battery is dead
(Shuts down the "non-threatening" threat)
daniel craig
Hey lea
lea seydoux
I love you again because *singing* I change my mind like a girl changes clothes

daniel craig
One more thing.......ben have you fixed my car despite not having time due to following me about this movie?
ben whishaw
Yea here it is
daniel craig
Riding unto the sunset b*tches till lea gets murdered and I swear revenge against spectre(sh*ts all over the set and wipes a*ss with his james bond movie contract)
End for real

twoondei:
But theres a history!

However, it's only fair to hear both sides of a story before you judge.

Nah! This kind case them no dey listen to both sides except we are supposed to believe the girls r*ped the dude.make the man just thank God say my pikin no dey among, I for cut e prick give am chop #bastard

narrator
the following day daniel and lea get off the train and wait for spectre to pick'em up?
sam mendes
yep At this level i guess you should just along with what you see folks
narrator
shortly after, a rolls royce pulls up in front of them
lea seydoux
Hey what's that?
daniel craig
That's a rolls royce
lea seydoux
*rolling eyes* i mean why is he here?
rolls royce driver
Ahem! May i kidnap you please?
daniel craig
Well since you asked nicely(hops into the car)
narrator
daniel and lea are driven to a set location from quantum of solace but the hotel dunais is swapped for a fake looking villain base built in a crater
christoph waltz
Hello daniel welcome to my hideout
daniel craig
Hide out? You know a drone can totally scope you guys from the sky right?
christoph waltz
Shut up!
daniel craig
And with all the power you consume, the electric companies are bound to get curious
christoph waltz
Didn't i say shut up?
daniel craig
And of course a rolls royce totally brought us here......... I mean people are bound to get curious about a rolls royce coming in and outta a cave in tangiers
christoph waltz
*scowls*
daniel craig
So lea and i aren't dead yet, i suppose it's because you wanna unveil your evil plans yes?
christoph waltz
yes I fed you and housed you and clothed you so I can pointlessy torture you, but before that, I shall unveil my evil plan just incase you escape and begin to wonder how to defeat me.................. Now my evil plan is to install a sh*t load of cameras to spy on Everyone so we can see what you are doing at all time muahahahahahahaha!
daniel craig
That's it? And what happened to "we have people everywhere" in quantum of solace?
christoph waltz
Well what more can a well connected and powerful shadow criminal organization need than MORE INFORMATION muahahahahahaha
By the way all the bad guys in your movies work for me
daniel craig
What?
christoph waltz
I mean all the sh*t that happened to you by chance like ola rapaace carting away with that NATO NOC file or eva green commiting suicide out of guilt and mathieu almaric sending bolivian cops after giancarlo and drowning gemma arteton in crude oil were all my orders to hurt you
daniel craig
What? Even javier bardem? Cause that looked pretty personal to me
christoph waltz
It was all me daniel
daniel craig
Including the part about a riccocheted bullet killing judi dench by chance?
christoph waltz
Yes that was me too

daniel craig
Hmmm what else did you plan?
katrina? 2007 economic recession? Price of oil?
christoph waltz
yea even judgement day that's my call too I did all just to mess with you
daniel craig
Hmmm you know what's funny? Why didn't you just stop me from foiling mathieu's plan of overtaking the whole of south-america Or stop me from foiling the skyfleet stock short in casino royale? At least that would have gotten you some ROIs rather than your fruitless "hurt daniel" missions mr christoph lamez

christoph waltz
hey F*ck you man i'm blofeld tada!
audience
Tada? It's a movie called spectre who else runs spectre?
christoph waltz
Now I shall prolong this fruitless scene by leaving my current tasking project to spite you........em hey lea did you know daniel was there when your father died? Here watch their video
lea seydoux
Honey you're such a badass you didn't even flinch when jesper spilled his brains like pedigree from a can
christoph waltz
O_o ok, now I shall show daniel a live footage of ralph fiennes being retrenched muahahahahahah!
daniel craig
Oh dear
christoph waltz
Yea....... pretty evil right?
daniel craig
No! I was just thinking may be i should have handed the ring over to ben whishaw when i returned from mexico and avoid all these really really boring plot
Hollywood
Common sense is forbidden in hollywood movies (Knocks out daniel)
narrator
next daniel is strapped to a chair with clothes on this time so daniel is a lil relaxed
daniel craig
Wow I had this bad dream that I was in a bond movie with the most boring blofeld depiction ever..........oh no it's not a dream.......... christoph what are you doing?
christoph waltz
being evil
daniel craig
thought so....... Hey why am i tied to a chair? What do you wanna do to me? And why is lea walking around freely and unattended? For f*ck sake she should be tied down too #GenderEquality b*tches c'mon
christoph waltz
Hey lea did you know that Daniel and i are brothers? my father was made daniels guardian when daniel lost his parents
daniel craig
Really? what happened to albert finney? I thought he brought me up according to skyfall?
christoph waltz
Ahem! Trying to tell a forced story here don't interrupt so........... i was jealous of daniel so i killed my father ,faked my death and started a criminal empire
audience
Hey austin powers called he said STOP STEALING HIS SH*T!!!
lea seydoux
So you became a megalomaniac become of an unwanted house guest? And how old were you back then? you look more like daniels grand father than his older brother
christoph waltz
smarta*ss...........Ok let's lobotomize daniel
lea seydoux
Ouch! Why?
christoph waltz
Because I'm evil muahahahahah?!
lea seydoux
Seriously why?
christoph waltz
Because i'm trying to forget that i was in this movie, so i wanna try it on daniel first
daniel craig
Aint working
christoph waltz
Really? sh*t ur.......er......um ok I'm all outta evil things to do why are the cameras still rolling?
daniel craig
Lea let's blow up this facility and escape take my watch and.........
lea seydoux
Nah that ain't powerful enough I've got a bigger bomb shell..........DANIEL I LOVE YOU
daniel craig
What?
christoph waltz
What?
audience
What?
spectre operatives
What?
eon productions staff
What?
spectre facility
What? Oh I mean BOOM!!!
To be continued.....

suarez come see ya wife for ere o

narrator
daniel goes in search of jespers mysterious daughter who works in a clinic at the top of a snowy mountain because
daniel craig
Hmmm jespers daughter just happens to be really sexy and of bond girl age yumm!
lea seydoux
Pardon me
daniel craig
I let your father commit suicide while I watched like a creep now he wants me to find some dude called le merican......... And oh I almost forgot he wants me to protect you too
lea seydoux
O_o so you paid all that money and filled all these forms and wasted all that time to fix an appointment just to tell me this? What if you were assigned to another doctor did you think about that? Now leave my office anyway
daniel craig
Leave your office? I'm an assassin who practically killed your father for being a jerk to me and that's the best you can do? What's with this movie and terrible acting? Ugh i need a drink
bar tender
Crushed brocolli juice with a twist of cucumber and pickles shaken not stirred sir?
daniel craig
What da f*ck dude? I'll rather suck my own d*ck thank you
ben whishaw
Hey daniel i've come to take you home
daniel craig
Not scared of flying anymore
ben whishaw
Oh right! let's hope the audience don't that
daniel craig
Hey take this ring and have it analyzed. ben whishaw
And what exactly will i be looking for?
daniel craig
Hopefully a weak plot device that forcefully ties up all my previous bond entries
dave batuista
Pardon me nothing to see here just kidnapping a doctor in broad daylight in the full glare of everyone because..........irrational dude ? Hey wait! Where did i get a range rover on a hitman salary?
daniel craig
Oh sh*t(chases after them)
audience
Oh yea i bet we will see some cool snow skiing stunts since you were raised by a skii instructor and i bet you'll like to pay homage to on her majestys secret service
daniel craig
F*ck that sh*t i've got a better plan.......*in epic voice* this is a job for BRITISH WALEED ALSHERI-MAN
narrator
daniel steals a plane and using his years of training as a professional assassin he goes all 9/11 on the whole of austria probably killing a few innocent austrian residents while at it
dave batuista
Hey lea you like my sawn off handgun I bet it's turning you on right? just look at it penetrate through daniels aircraft without killing him
lea seydoux
*scowls*
dave batuista
Ok someone roofie the f*ck outta her I bet that should turn her on
spectre operative
I'm on it (loads syringe full of roofies in front of lea like that's a good idea)
lea seydoux
Hey look over there angels of death from on her majestys secret service
spectre operative
Really? Where? I heard those chicks were hot
(Gets roofied by lea) oh you b*tch erk!(es out)
dave batuista
Damn it what exactly turns you on for christ sake car crashes?
daniel craig
I heard that!..............Wait a minute i should also take into consideration that lea is in one of the suvs and she may get hurt......nah she will be fine(crashes the f*ck outta the plane)
ben whishaw
Er why are scary dudes looking at me weird in this cable car which i'm also not afraid of by the way? I'm not that kind of homo man
scary as f*ck dudes
We are here to kill you by staring you to death
audience
I bet ben whishaw has some kickass gadget to display and kill off scary as f*ck dudes with, then perhaps he will make some quip to spice things up
ben whishaw
(Runs away like a b*tch)
audience
Any point to that scene?
narrator
meanwhile bond is done crashing into the evil suvs and lea crawls outta the wreckage without a scratch but she is unconvincingly in shock
daniel craig
Come with me if you want to live
lea seydoux
Seriously we are stealing from the terminator?
daniel craig
Nah actually i was going for bourne identity but *shrugs* hey,whatever works............ so........*smacks* unto tangiers?
lea seydoux
Unto tangiers
dave batuista
I heard that
narrator
daniel and lea meet with ben at some hotel in austria
daniel craig
Ok seriously i just killed a ton of dudes and destroyed a plane yet no cop is after me?
austrian government
Yes because according to movies the only thing austrians are good at is tosca and even more tosca isn't that right rogue nation?
Rogue nation
F*ck YEA!!
ben whishaw
So this ring connects all the bad guys from previous craig movies
daniel craig
And how is that possible? Never saw a ring on mads mikkelsen or mathieu almaric or javier bardems fingers
and isn't it a little convenient that they are the only ones who have worn the ring? And how have their DNA not wiped off the ring when alessandro washed his hands of wiped the ring? and knowing me and my habit of foiling every one of their plans,Why didn't spectre ever try to kill me?
ben whishaw
Dude this movie is connected to the others movies now piss off
narrator
daniel and lea journey off to tangiers in search of le merican
lea seydoux
By the way le merican is a hotel not a person what a mystery right?
audience
Zzzzzzzzz *snaps* God will this movie ever end?
daniel craig
Ha it's a good thing this place is still intact despite being abandoned for years oh look a dusty old bottle of scotch my favourite (guzzles it down) hey lea you wanna play hide the pickle with a me
lea seydoux
Hell No! That's f*cked up man you are old enough to be my uncle
daniel craig
*evil smile* oh we'll see about that....... hey look a wall made of paper marche(smashes through the wall like hulk) there's a 'writing on the wall'
sam smith
Ugh!

lea seydoux
Hmmm a convenient list of spectre ,*shrugs* I guess jesper was writing names of noise makers that day or something
narrator
next daniel and lea board a train to nowhere because sam mendes has a serious b*ner for trains
daniel craig
Hey i wanna give you the "death talk" have you killed a man before?
lea seydoux
Don't worry i've seen quantum of solace already take a deep breath, make it count........ But i don't like guns i prefer being rescued by a MAN and besides spectre didn't kill my dad so everything is cool
daniel craig
Okay let's do a mr and mrs smith cohabitation gag to amuse the audience
audience
Zzzzzzz *snaps* Please..........make it stop
narrator
next we see daniel and lea are[s]strategizing on how to attack spectre or gathering intel to forward to MI6[/s] having a romantic dinner because spies gotta eat right? And oh daniel is in a classy dinner suit because why not?
daniel craig
O_o you know I could equally have dinner in my pajamas right? It's dinner in a f*cking train
sam mendes
I'm sorry I just ed that I forgot to insert a tuxedo scene so I had to force one in here just like I did in skyfall
narrator
lea shows up in a f*ck me dinner dress
daniel craig
holy sh*t!!!(springs a lick)
lea seydoux
You know how i said we aren't gonna have sex? Well i've decided to look sexy and hope you don't get drunk and force yourself on me afterwards
daniel craig
Any reason why you are also giving me f*ck me eyes and having the whole "walk away from this spy business talk" from casino royale? Oh sh*t don't tell me I'm gonna quit the spy game for you, c'mon I was hoping to swim in the pants penelope cruz and emily blunt before retirement damn it!
dave batuista
hi!
daniel craig
WTF dude? How did you find us? And where is your ridiculous shotgun/handgun?
dave batuista
Well i(searches pockets) oh sh*t i had it on me a few minutes ago i swear.........good grief! did i just drop on you guys without a gun?
daniel craig
lucky me I happen to have a gun
dave batuista
haha this n*gger brought a hooker gun to a dave batuista fight(redecorates the train using daniel as a wrecking ball)*singing* I came in like a wrecking ball
audience
Oh this should be nice two gritty and highly skilled assassins fist fighting
narrator
dave and daniel embarrass bond fans by recreating richard kiel and roger moore's train fight scene from "the spy who loved me"
audience
*shake their heads in disappointment*
lea seydoux
hey can i help?
dave batuista
keep ya girlfriend outta this(b*tch slaps lea into a mini-coma) now back to mopping the floor with daniels a*ss
daniel craig
(Running like a b*tch) HELP!!!
dave batuista
Come back here b*tch i ma beat you till candy come out you hear me? I ma beat you like a pinanta
daniel craig
What da? Why are there never anyone around in these action scenes? are we the only ones on the train? Ugh!
lea seydoux
I'll save you my love(fires yakubu shots). whoops! Babe you wanna save me now?
daniel craig
Gotcha (Puts a rope around daves neck and attaches its hook to a gas canister , yep its as confusing as it sounds)
dave batuista
now I'm really wishing I brought a gun onboard, anyway it's been fun see ya in GOTG 2(disappears like mary poppins)
lea seydoux
So daniel......what do we do?
daniel craig
Well we haven't had dinner, we've destroyed this here train and we just killed a high ranking spectre member which may unleash the wrath of the other assassins on our a*sses plus thanks to batuista i will be needing a billion stitches and we are both writhing in pain, So obviously our best course of action is to have sex
lea seydoux
*smitten* awww! nothing turns me on more than an alchoholic wimp who encouraged my dad to commit suicide
(They have sex)

To be continued....

my frnd kneel down there instead make u build haus for them u dey buy them bag of rice and carton of biscuit make I catch you next time dey sing song say you get money

mrmagoo:


As for spectre's so called resurrection I guess you missed the part where blofeld confirmed that quantum is part of spectre

Answer me one question, where does spectre fit in a post cold war world? For Godsake they were so forced that they didn't even have a decent evil plot and failed to be menacing plus quantum

and spectre are two entirely different organizations with different mode of operations that do entirely different things so how can quantum be part of spectre it may have even the a bit manageable if spectre was the muscle wing for quantum

mrmagoo:

Bonds character development wasn't thrown away he was still the same emotional and imperfect person from casino royale that will explain him falling in love again and why he accidentally destroyed that hotel in mexico nothing about him changed

Oh really? Bond has gone from the cold calculated assassin who trusts no one and doesn't fall in love cheaply to a wise cracking wreckless guy who willingly walks into a trap 3 good times and f*cks anyone just for the sake of f*cking yet you didn't notice this? I see

mrmagoo:


And what if the themes were recycled from skyfall that was meaningless

The theme is how you tell a movie Apart from the other, it's laziness when you just re-use old stuff and frankly themes and scores are the bread and butter of the bond franchise
how could you possibly be okay when you eagerly await the new scores only to hear the old one? even mission impossibles cue theme is edited with each new movie

mrmagoo:


Donald pleasance blofeld showed in only one scene and he was able to make him the most iconic villain on earth, so how does blofeld showing in three scenes affect the movie especially when he was played brilliantly

Donald pleasance could get away with appearing at the end because it was a reveal that fans awaited for years and he didn't have much work to do but christoph waltz was bond's brother, who died and came back to life and is the suprise head of an agency bond has been tracking for the past ten years be honest is three scenes enough for all that?

mrmagoo:


It didn't seemed forced to me quantum is part of spectre so blofeld is bound to monitor bond and his journey so far and not kill him because of his relationship with him it seems logical to me

keep in mind that bond met lechiffre, green and silva by accident so suggesting blofeld has a hand in their meeting and outcome
Is just plain silly

mrmagoo:

And who said james bond is retiring just because this may be daniel craigs last bond movie doesn't mean bond is literally retiring

00 section has been cancelled,he didn't report back to M at the end, Q said it to him at the end even sam smith hinted it in his song from the tone of the movie did it look like bond was getting ready for another mission after this one?

mrmagoo:

and if you noticed there were several scenarios bond found himself with madeleine that reminded him of vesper lynd that will explain him falling for her easily

lol what scenarios please? There was absolutely no chemistry between the both of them all of a sudden bond is being tortured and she goes I love you? Even their sex scene had no chemistry

mrmagoo:

If you don't understand something ask questions instead hating it to appear sophistcated and impress your peers

Dude the movie is awful suck it

narrator
daniel is done r*ping monica so he s his buddie from the CIA to "protect" monica let's all try to forget that spectre had direct links to the CIA in quantum of solace, moving on daniel is just in time to attend alessandro's succession meeting which is in a grand chapel with luxurious cars parked in front because........subtlety
annoying bouncer
Wetin happen? wetin happen? Who you be? Who you dey find?
daniel craig
You dey mad ni? You no knw me again?(flashes ring at annoying bouncer)
annoying bouncer
Hey! this looks like the ring that was missing from alessandro's corpse we've been waiting to see the slowpoke who will try to infiltrate one of our meetings with it, please come in
daniel craig
Why thank you(walks in)
narrator
daniel walks into the worlds largest and creepiest board meeting and in typical fashion spectre spills their evil plans in the presence of an MI6 agent

Spectre Operatives
Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb
Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb
Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb

Christoph waltz
So anyone wanna replace mr alessandro? Hurry this up i've gotta feed my cat *WINK*
doomed spectre dude
I shall replace alessandro and i shall bring #Change to spectre operations i am loyal and patriotic to spectre. #SaiSpectre
christoph waltz
*Yawn* anyone else?
dave batuista
Hey guys me from guardians of the galaxy as the irrational big blue dude? Well guess what? i'm an irrational big dude in this movie as well(smashes doomed dude's face against a table,makes eye jelly outta him and snaps his neck for no reason)
christoph waltz
Hmmm a scary as f*ck dude who lights the fuse on every situation and can easily blow our cover........ you're hired
spectre operatives
Is there any spectre meeting where someone doesn't get brutally murdered for no reason? If we can get killed off so easily i wonder why we are always so eager to ?
christoph waltz
So next matter of business daniel craig just infiltrated our meeting but don't worry you see it was a trap and now i've placed annoying bouncer behind him for comic relief to make sure he doesn't escape(daniel makes annoying bouncer his b*tch and tosses him over the railings) don't worry my able henchmen shall shoot daniel down before he gets anywhere(henchmen are lousy shots so daniel escapes) don't worry i'm sure daniels car has been impounded he can't get too far(daniel's car is totally not guarded so he flees) dang it! WTF?
dave batuista
I'm on it(hops into his extremely expensive jag and chases after daniel)hmmmn on a hitman salary?*shrugs*
narrator
they race through the streets of italy and despite being a high speed race between two expensive as f*ck sport cars, the italian police chose not to give a sh*t
daniel craig
Hey naomi! i've found no better time to call than during a car chase
naomi harris
What is it daniel?
daniel craig
First of all despite just seeing my dead brother alive and being on the run from a murderous lunatic, let's quip about your boyfriend at the pure disgust of the audience
naomi harris
Done
daniel craig
Alright then,now reveal the identity of this pale king everyone has been talking about
naomi harris
How exactly do i do that?
daniel craig
It's in your script damn it
naomi harris
(Flips through script)
Ah yes it's jesper christensen from quantum of solace and casino royale him?
daniel craig
You mean the dude that blackmailed eva green into committing suicide and almost got judi dench murdered? grrrr! How is he still alive? oh i'll crush him, i'll crush him and feed him to the pigs i'll cut out his heart and make him watch it stop beating
sam mendes
Cut! alright let's do this again but instead daniel act like jesper is an old dictionary you forgot to take back to the library
daniel craig
Gorrit, so where can i find jesper?
naomi harris
He is hiding in austria
daniel craig
Won't call it hiding if we can actually find him you know what i mean?
Anyway yea please help me find out how christoph waltz is still alive despite dying in horrible bosses2 thanks
dave batuista
Ahem!
daniel craig
Oh right you're still in this movie
dave batuista
One question, how is an aston martin faster than a jaguar?
daniel craig
The same way an aston martin has sting missiles(sting missiles don't work) sh*t i mean the same way aston martins have smoke screens(smoke screen doesn't work). damn it, the same way aston martins fart fire?(Fire farts work) cool now i shall speed off to london destroy this aston martin for no reason
dave batuista
Seriously? you think i can't see you in a parachute not too far from here?(Flips through script) oh look i can't *shrugs* oh well(walks away)
narrator
next we see ralph, greg and andrew in tokyo for a G9 meeting of all intelligence heads?
ralph fiennes
only in bond movies why are we even here?
andrew scott
We are here to vote for or against ing our powers together to spy on weak nations without their permission #GoDemocracy

ralph fiennes
And what if we vote no
other intelligence chiefs
Then we'll call off the meeting in which case why the f*ck did we travel so far for a minute meeting ugh!
andrew scott
dude WTF we talked about this i ought to get you fired to get you outta my way and promote my evil plans
ralph fiennes
Good grief! how will you do that?
dave scott
by showing how you suck at managing your agent
ralph fiennes
Hey i thought that was my job?
andrew scott
Well we are repeating that crappy"you can't control your agent" storyline from skyfall cause it never gets old, look at 009's car crashed in italy automatically that means daniel did it
ralph fiennes
How did you even know about daniel going rogue before me? shouldn't i be a bit suspicious about that?
andrew scott
Er No! I mean i saw a picture daniels crashed expensive as f*ck car in a river see? Nothing suspicious there(nose sprouts like pinnochios)
daniel craig
that's weird the streets were totally empty during the chase
andrew scott
And he had a late night chat with naomi harris
ralph fiennes
yea er i don't think i wanna hear that
andrew scott
No you slowpoke it's about how she is his mole at the office
ralph fiennes
Oh my God naomi just commited treason and assisted insurbodination
dave scott
So......what will you do to her? *evil smile*
ralph fiennes
Nothing actually if you don't mind we will be skipping to the next scene please
And let's ignore the part about how daniel infiltrated the organization responsible for all'em bombings ok?

andrew scott
We've been doing well ignoring that part so far
narrator
next we see daniel in austria once again ing through austrian immigration despite the MI6 knowing he's gone rogue he heads to a cottage that has jesper christensen in it how daniel knows and how he found out doesn't matter amirite?
daniel craig
Hmmmm this is it my arch nemesis from my first two movies he's an excellent marks man just like me and smart as f*ck i better be on my guard this will indeed be an epic battle scene, hey heinsenberg could you direct me to jespers house please?
jesper christensen
it's me daniel so you can go ahead and scratch this action scene off your list cause I've been poisoned, I have a gross beard and I live in this snowy setpiece away from my family who abandoned me for being a criminal
audience
What da? Hey sam! Breaking bad called they said STOP STEALING THEIR SH*T!!!
jesper christensen
Anyway, since you did such a tremendous job protecting catalina murino,gemma arteton,berenice marlohe, judi dench and eva green i shall now entrust my daughter into your care
daniel craig
Fine! what's your daughters name and how do i erase this conversation incase anyone stumbles upon the camera footage
jesper christensen
Good bye mr.craig(blows out his head)
daniel craig
Ugh! Sick i ma puke right now seriously i ma have a severe psychological trauma and i ma start having nightmares and PTSD and......
sam mendes
Cut! Nice one daniel now we shall take this scene again this time act like a kid who just saw his parents kissing
daniel craig
Ok
dave batuista
Ha i'm here, time to make eye jelly outta you with my iron thumbs......oh damn daniel got to him before me what am i gonna do to look menacing in this scene?
jesper christensen
Be sure not to look at my surveillance tapes.......sh*t i should have erased those
dave batuista
Hmmmm i shall find your surveillance tapes and watch them...............MENACINGLY!!!
surveillance tapes
gulp!

To be continued......

shockwave91:

i don't think the homie's coming back to the franchise. E don try.
Wen r u doing[b]Ant-Man[/b]??

Mtchew! Who dey watch that one?

armadeo:
Guy. You have come again. Thank God I have watched it cos this one spoiler.

Mtchew wetin dey for person to spoil the movie na just straight line even if na 20 minutes to end you start am u no go even miss anytin

shockwave91:

spectre?? More like meh-ctre

As in I'm not even going to take the next bond movie seriously especially if they are retaining that yeye director

newguy1:

I am disappointed firstly i thought Monica
belluci was playing n integral part of the movie
(cus of what heard from the commentary).
Secondly the movie was too straight forward
was actually thinking this movie was made to
generate fund or just to end the contract with
Daniel Craig. N him retiring for that girl! Bosnan
didn't do dat even for halle berry. Dis 007 is a
no brainer

Oh na dat part even vex you? What of when bond and the dr were going to spy on spectre and they dragged change of clothes with them like they were going on vacation or when blofeld said he and bond were brothers or the part where Q studied the ring and all three villains from the previous movies just happen to be related? as in na three days I use take finish the film to show how uninterested I was

narrator
next daniel is walking aimlessly when naomie harris suddenly appears in front of him
naomi harris
Hey daniel where are you going?
daniel craig
i'm heading home cause i've been suspended as that is basic protocol for intelligence agencies, I've left scores of mexicans are dead, millions of dollars in property damage and frightened the f*ck outta everyone but hey I'm james bond so I'm going home
naomi harris
Anyway i have this box of burnt trash that forensics picked up from skyfall........ see what i did there? I forcefully tried to connect this movie to skyfall and there's plenty more where that came from
audience
Ugh!
daniel craig
Any reason you couldn't just hand this box to me when i left ralph's office you're still his secretary right?anyway bring it to my house by 9:00 pm sexual predator hour *evil smile*
narrator
later that evening naomi shows up at daniels apartment with the box
naomi harris
So i heard about mexico everyone is talking about it
daniel craig
Da f*ck? How is this public knowledge? this is the british secret service damn it
naomi harris
care to explain?
daniel craig
Judi dench told me to do it
naomi harris
Judi............dench
judi dench
That's right the bond franchise couldn't live without me so i'm going cameo b*tches.....now daniel since you sucked at protecting me and carelessly got me killed in the worst way possible, i've decided to will you my kill list, now number one, go kill a dude named alessandro and attend his funeral to f*ck his widow and get answers
audience
Any reason you couldn't just arrest and interrogate the guy when you were alive?
naomi harris
shouldn't you have 'willed' this over to british intelligence instead?
daniel craig
Or perhaps just skip to the 'f*ck his widow' part?
judi dench
Look you wanna f*ck monica bellucci or not?
daniel craig
Monica who?(Dashes off to get a carton of condoms) oh naomi could you cover me for on this one? i really need to murder some a*ss
naomi harris
Now why would i risk my career and probably my life committing treason for you?
daniel craig
Hmm do it for me and i'll buy you a bouquet of flowers
naomi harris
Hmmm that seems fair enough i'll do it
narrator
daniel heads over to Q-branch
Ben whishaw
Hello daniel notice how funny i sound? I'm trying to be.......
daniel craig
*rolling eyes* Desmond llewyn's Q i get it just give it a rest cause you suck
ben whishaw
o yea? well have a seat and TAKE THAT! you jerk(shoves nanobots into daniels wrist)
daniel craig
Ouch! 10 years since casino royale and you haven't found a less painful way of injecting this sh*t into people?
ben whishaw
(Changes topic) so here is the aston martin 2015 for your eyes only literary cause it belongs to 009 i don't even know why i'm showing it to you haha your car on the other hand is still f*cked up so you'll have to be patient
daniel craig
Instead of piecing it together why not just get me a new car?
ben whishaw
You know how they say"if e pain you go hug transformer" well i've got this exploding wrist watch incase e too pain you see ya
daniel craig
Oh i just ed i've got some a*ss to crush in italy so i'll need you to cover for me
ben whishaw
What? No! I can't do that besides you could always cut out your nano tracker and stuff it in your couch at home or something what do you need me for?
daniel craig
Dude did i tell you the a*ss in question belongs to monica bellucci?
ben whishaw
Oh my sh*t you've got to get on that.......ok you know what? I'll let you slide, if ralph asks, despite being a hacking computer genius who can play with the screen and make it seem like you are in london, i'll simply just say you are in london when you aren't and hope ralph doesn't know how to read a GPS
daniel craig
Atta boy, i shall now raise suspicion by stealing 009's car(steals aston martin 2015 and trades it for a bottle of champagne?)
ben whishaw
Really b*tch?
narrator
daniel arrives in italy and doesn't run any flags cause MI6 doesn't put up APBs on stolen vechicles and it definitely doesn't have a tracker to stop the car from working you know? Like every other modern car does? anyway daniel is just in time for alessandro's funeral don't ask how he knows where it is cause it's that kind of movie
daniel craig
Hey wait a minute why does everyone here look like assassins? And isn't that my adopted brother christoph waltz? Never mind(staring at monica's a*ss) target acquired(approaches her) hey there lady your husbands death is giving me mourning wood get it wood?
old as f*ck monica bellucci
Mtchew!(Walks away)
narrator
later that evening monica walks into her house with two spectre hit men behind her and one daniel craig behind them
old as f*ck monica bellucci
Hmmm it's so weird that despite my husbands dangerous job i made no preparations for a day like this o well if i must die it must be close to my swimming pool with a drink in my hand, wait a minute how exactly will you explain that to the police? they will definitely catch on that this is murder and they will open up an investigation you know for a shadowy criminal organization, you guys sure suck at subtlety
spectre hitman 1
Shut up! Now prepare to be shot by three spectre agents
spectre hitman 2
Three i thought we were two?
daniel craig
Tada i'm the third hitman and i've been sneaking up your a*sses
spectre hitman2
Damn it spectre hitman 1 this is your fault why didn't you lock the front door?(Daniel murders them both)
daniel craig
So monica i just saved you from an awful marriage to an ugly as f*ck dude and from being gang r*ped with bullets according to bond universe this means you owe me p*ssy
old as f*ck monica bellucci
And i guess we shouldn't go into details like say HOW I GOT INTO THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
daniel craig
R*pe mode activated
narrator
daniel assaults monica's lips and she clearly looks like she's having a bad time
old as f*ck monica bellucci
Calm down dude they are lips not a f*cking burrito, did you just stick your nose in my mouth? ugh! the mirror is cold against my bare back CUT!!!

coollabman:



lol! its not as bad as you're making it look. as far as the numbers are concerned, it was a hit!

Not as bad?

- SPECTRE resurrected from 60s and forced into 2016

-James bond's character development tossed in the garbage and made into a robot again

-Recycled themes and scores from skyfall

-Blofeld that showed in 3 scenes

- Forcing the movie to relate with the other craig movies

- and james bond retiring from MI6 for a girl he met in a week

guy come if na play u dey play abeg stop

coollabman:



lol! the movie wasn't a waste of mb jor! you enjoyed it and just want to beef for no good reason!

Oh c'mon the movie was terrible and you know it don't even go there

coollabman:



lol! dem no beg you to watch their film!

Yea they did with the ton of ads on tv and forcing the actors to lie in the movies commentary they practically forced me to see it

coollabman:
you've started again

Tell'em make dem return my 300mb and i'll be on my way

dedicated to skyfall: AFTER SEEING THIS MOVIE I THINK I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY

narrator
the movie opens in mexico city as the mexicans celebrate the day of the dead in grand style, we then spot a dude in a mask and a white suit walk past another guy whose in a full skeleton suit, ignoring a gorgeous latina lady and eye-ing the other guys butt?
daniel craig
O hey guys i've been waiting in the streets for Alessandro Cremona to by now i can proceed to stalking him
audience
Phew! For a moment we thought you were checking alessandro out
narrator
daniel and Stephanie Sigman are followed around in a brilliant and unnecessary 1 shot which ends up in a hotel room
Stephanie Sigman
Hmmm so you've disrobed into a british assassin suit armed with a snipers long range rifle, i guess i should ask why you have these but being a b*tch in a james bond movie i guess the only question to ask is "where are you going"?
daniel craig
And i guess i should stutter and make up some lie to justify my situation but hey it's a bond movie so SHUT UP AND STAY IN BED YOU C*NT(climbs out the window)
narrator
next we see daniel listening in on a conversation between alessandro and two other guys in a hotel room directly across his hotel in the full glare of a procession
Alessandro Cremona
Ha upon walking into the room let's blatantly start talking about illegal activities just incase a british secret agent is eaves dropping on our conversation
other dudes
Yea. bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb now let's toast to BOMB!!
daniel craig
Ugh! i had a bug in their hotel room this whole time?then why did i waste my time waiting in the noisy streets for alessandro to walk past? i could have crushed stephanies a*ss and still be aware of what was going on? And why am i wearing a business suit in the midst of a Día de Muertos celebration wouldn't that make me easy to spot? Perhaps i should've left my skeleton suit on.......Man f*ck this(blows the building to sh*t) mission accomplished
mexicans
Hmmm did someone hear that loud bang followed by what sounds like a building crashing on 100s of mexican people? No? Oh well let's keep going
Alessandro Cremona
(Running) thank you!
daniel craig
Sh*t time for an exciting parkour chase scene
sam mendes
Ahem! You do know i'm directing this franchise right back to the 60s right? So i have a better idea, SILLY HELICOPTER FIGHT!
narrator
an evil helicopter lands in a square which catches everyones attention for some reason, and an unarmed alessandro is hurriedly picked up by an unarmed bodyguard so he can flee from an equally unarmed daniel craig
daniel craig/Alessandro Cremona/bodyguard
Why didn't non of us think to bring no guns?
narrator
daniel craig whacks the bodyguard with a staff which he proceeds to throw away so he can handle alessandro's goodies all in the name of a "helicopter fight",this scene goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on till daniel kicks out alessandro and the helicopter pilot and stabilizes the helicopter within a minute(cause it's that kind of movie)
Then daniel stares at a ring he snatched off alessandro as he flies unto the sun set

mexican government
Hmmm mexico is depicted as a grotty disgusting country with Deaf people and lazy law enforcement agents who allow terrorists run away scot free i bet this should bring in tons of investors and tourists yay!

narrator
next sam smith does the impossible which is MAKE A JAMES BOND MOVIE GAY

sam smith
*singing* Spoilers spoilers listen close this movie is just a re-enactment of casino royale,QOS and skyfall run away while you still can

sam mendes
Dude? WTF

sam smith
Well at least i didn't say one line for half the whole song

Adele
I heard that!

narrator
next we see ralph fiennes losing his sh*t back in london
ralph fiennes
WTF holy f*ck, what the good f*ck, sh*t f*ck dammit sh*t f*ck, f*ck f*ck f*ck, F*ck(takes a deep breath) F, U, C,K spells F*CK!!!
daniel craig
Er are you mad at me for assisting in a terrorist attack on mexico?
ralph fiennes
No i'm just mad that they cast me in this role instead of ciaran hinds or liam neeson or tom wilkinson and why are we doing that scene from casino royale where judi dench yells at you for destroying an embassy? she did hers with a lot of class but i'm doing mine like a stereotypical black police chief from 21 jump street......wait you blew that building?
daniel craig
Er no i didn't(nose sprouts like pinnochio's)
ralph fiennes
Grrrr! I'm going to suspend you indefinitely for going after spectre the same way i did in on her majestys secret service for the same reason now f*ck off
andrew scott
Hello daniel i heard you are difficult to control and often insubordinate, wait how are you, ralph,greg and ben not in prison right now for what you did in skyfall? Plus i'm evil and it will really help my evil cause if you all are locked behind bars *evil smile*

daniel craig
Nice name you've got i'll call you A.hole
andrew scott
*losing focus*Don't call me that i'm your boss
ralph fiennes
Yea maybe we should call him S for sucker
andrew scott
Hey don't call me that i'm warning you
daniel craig
Hey i've got one let's call him S.O.B
andrew scott
stop making fun of me(runs away)
To be continued....

i miss this game