NewStats: 3,263,715 , 8,181,141 topics. Date: Saturday, 07 June 2025 at 01:50 PM 6k4g5q

may01:
That guy doesn't look like Banky

you no see e trade mark gigantic head?
I swear I can recognize that head from space

hmmmm mad person dey your house you dey form gentle man dey pray to God before you give am two slaps naija people are amazing.

Your wife may be suffering from factitious disorder or something better carry am go hospital before she murders you in your sleep

narrator
the coopers hold a family barbecue because yea we should celebrate the return of a crazy person in the house rather than take him to a hospital
sienna miller
Hey bradley wanna the party?
bradley cooper
No thanks my favourite tv show is on
sienna miller
dude the tv is off
bradley cooper
Shhh! I'm trying to watch, this show is a real knee slapper
sienna miller
seriously? we are stealing jokes from no other than patrick star blank tv gag from spongebob?man i guess clint eastwood thought of everything
narrator
bradley sights a dog playing with a kid in a d*ck way and loses his sh*t
bradley cooper
(Zooms in face) WOLF?
doomed dog
Hey take it easy brad i'm just a do......
bradley cooper
WOOOOOOOOLF!!!!!!!!
narrator
bradley takes off his belt and prepares to r*pe the dog or something when sienna shows up and scream in horror because in hollywood movies that solves eeeeeeeeeverything
dog
F*ck how many "wolves" does he have to r*pe before you consider taking this nutcase to a hospital?
narrator
bradley FINALLY sees a doctor
⁠
doctor
Congratulations son you've have broken the record of mass murder you are now ahead of charles manson and hannibal lecter
bradley cooper
Yea i kinda have wikkipedia for that. you are a doctor so be a doctor
doctor
Well said so.......*smack* why have you been freaking out on your family? Come on talk to daddy
bradley cooper
I'm mad that i couldn't save more american lives that's right people
if you were expecting a heart felt apology from america for blowing iraq to sh*t and killing a f*ckton of iraqis
You can officially go f*ck yourself
doctor
I see well why don't you surround yourself with crippled soldiers and their sob stories perhaps when you are filled with so much depression and regret, you'll feel better in no time
bradley cooper
Really? Cool
narrator
bradley takes the soldiers on a field trip to a shooting range because they are totally pre-schoolers
pathetic soldier
Oh my sh*t i hit a target standing still wow i feel like a man just look at my huge b*ner
narrator
Brad has anticlimatically cured his post traumatic stress and he is now a good and boring father
⁠
bradley cooper
hey son you ready to go hunt and kill innocent animals? Yea animal cruelty is a family legacy you from generation to generation
sienna miller
i'm proud of you for getting yourself and making us a generic hollywood happy family
bradley cooper
Yea that's me hollywood flounders
Hey some marine nut cases mom gave me a call to help her son do Come to think of it i don't know what i'm doing for this kid
sienna miller
WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH NO ONE VISITING A HOSPITAL IN THIS MOVIE?
narrator
bradley cooper meets with a dude who looks like he is tripping balls
bradley cooper
Goodbye honey my offscreen death awaits
sienna miller
What?
bradley cooper
I mean i won't be late i will be back soon to ride unto the sunset with you and live happily ever after O f*ck why did i say that i'm going to die for real aint i?
audience
hmm the exact way abraham licoln vampire slayer ended? Way to go clint
clint eastwood

narrator
bradley is killed offscreen by a nut case isn't that an irony?
Anyway americans mourn while its a f*cking party in iraq i guess the movie had a happy ending
End

Csami:


Life just dey, which movie be next?

looking forward to the flow of blockbusters this year
-avengers
-dawn of justice
-spectre
-hitman
-antman
Na that time i go reload ammo cos i know say hollywood is ever ready to dissapoint

brothers:


Why you dey whine the guy

how dare u?
My friend kneel down there

Csami:
Funny as usual

Sup?! How life?

friendlyadvice:
Looool guy why don't you do for nollywood

yay! It's good to be back to on nairaland
Them wan use work kill person no time to slouch back on the lazy boy and type my swing misses
i don even forget say na american sniper i still dey do

Luke Grimes
Grrrrr! Sheik shot my friend? Oh its on now i shall water board him with his beard i shall negotiate some bullets into his head i shall grind his bones to make my bread hey that kind of rhymed
sammy sheik
Yawn!(Kills luke by sneezing on him)
bradley cooper
Oh come one(scurries off to America like a b*tch)
narrator
bradley is still freaking his family the f*ck out
bradley cooper
freak out.... freak out.... Freak the freak out
sienna miller
Is it time to open up to me about the war?
bradley cooper
Hey look over there an iraqi rebel(jumps out of window)
⁠
⁠narrator
bradley goes to visit his friend  Jake McDorman who was shot in the face earlier
bradley cooper
Hey buddie how is it going?
Jake McDorman
did i tell you i got my girlfriend a ring from zale and we are going to live happily ever after in Bermuda?
bradley cooper
dude! Did you learn NOTHING from last time?
Jake McDorman
What? Its not like sammy is here to kill me
anasthaesia
i'll finish sammy's job for him
sammy sheik
thank you brother i owe you one
narrator
bradley is still being a d*ck to his family
sienna miller
you're cheating on me with iraq i know it
bradley cooper
No i'm not
sienna miller
Yes you are you f*ck with iraq at evey chance you get while i'm just here flying solo
bradley cooper
Honey i promise i'm not holy sh*t! I just realized iraq is a lot more attractive and exciting than you, she's got a bigger BASE she's got BOMBS and she allows me to f*ck her anytime and anyway gosh i love iraq
sienna miller
I hate it when men cheat its a common hatred in our family
bradley cooper
(eye humping Iraq)
sienna miller
fine go to iraq see if i care and just so u know u're coming back to an empty home when you return
bradley cooper
(Making bradley loves Iraq lockets) *snaps*sure thing honey i'll take out the trash
narrator
bradley and his team have recovered the original movie plotline as bradley is once more providing stalking services to the US marine, some dude charges with a grenade launcher and bradley shoots him in the head
bradley cooper
*rolling eyes* to think they should've learnt by now
narrator
a little kid picks up the weapon
bradley cooper
What's this? a child to kill? Man you don't get them like this anymore
audience
What's this comic relief? The grenade launcher is obviously too heavy for the kid to carry and you are still gonna shoot him anyway?
bradley cooper
He is arab he is guilty now shut up while i take another hit on a kid from a safe distance
narrator
arab kid drops the grenade launcher and bolts
bradley cooper
Oh barnacles you see what you did? made me miss that kill
micheal buffer
On the red corner with a countless kill of american soldiers from a thousand yards and an olympic gold in sharp shooting not to mention making brad his b*tch three times already give it up for sammy sheik the Iraqi sniper
And
On the blue corner having a total kill of 255 people including women and children,he is a lousy husband and a scary as f*ck father its bradley cooper the america sniper
⁠
Llllllllllllllllllllet's get ready to rumbllllllllllllllllle
narrator
bradley and his team take their positions
bradley cooper
Mango orange what's your 10? Purple pineapple watch your 12'0'clock yeah i guess just saying a couple of rubbish makes my role as a navy seal believable
narrator
sammy sheik is in early lead as he pins down bradley with sniper gun fire
bradley cooper
oh come on gimme a break i just got here!
narrator
now the navy seals are getting on the offensive as they seem to have pinned down sammy sheik
bradley cooper
i'm gonna twist your sh*t up mr sammy sheik hoorah!
narrator
but sammy sheik give them maradona as he starts shooting from another angle
sammy sheik
peek-a-boo motherf*ckers! hey why do i suck all of a sudden? i mean i've been shooting since and i haven't hit a thing
bradley cooper
Uh i think i just spotted sam
brad's unit
From 2000 yards with a gang full of arabs downstairs you're kidding right? Please stand down our p*ssy wagon is on its way and we'll rather not wake up murdered at the end of this tour
bradley cooper
S-T-A-N-D-D-O-W-N spells take him out ok
sammy sheik
From 2000 yards? yeah right when you aren't some kind of james mcavoy from wanted
bullet
eat lead you Arab dead shot
sammy sheik
Ooooooooooooooouch! Really? For the love of God its a biographic movie how am i getting killed from over 2000yards? Can bullets even travel that far?
clint eastwood
you underestimate the power of hollywood's desperation to make a buck syndrome
⁠sammy sheik
Erk!(Dies)
bradley cooper
Yes yes yes yeeeeeeees! *singing* we are the champions my friends and we will keep on fighting till the end oh sh*t i forgot about the insurgents down stairs, quick let's take cover under this sand storm that should protect us, wow this sure is the best time to call my wife
sienna miller
Hello?
bradley cooper
*singing* i'm coming home coming home tell the world that i'm coming home let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday(gets shot in the back and is abandoned by his b*tch made team) oh come one really?! This was supposed to be my moment
narrator
with a mortal bullet wound, dehydration and poor health conditions, bradley dies in iraq
bradley cooper
psyche! My p*ssy wagon actually did stop for me and the iraqi insurgents were nice enough to go blind on the whole thing
To be continued......

reganvida:
I have noticed that a great number of people in the south east listens to a particular radio frequency which i found out to be radio Biafra.
Listening to radio Biafra is not the problem,the problem is the words spoken by the broadcasters.The broadcasters have been using inciting words to bring about a division in Nigeria.
I can a particular broadcast which I was able to listen to which preached about the necessity of a bycot of the just concluded national elections,telling their listeners that going out to vote means acceptance of one Nigeria and i think this played a secondary role to the low turn out of the south easterners on that day.
What marvels me in all this is the silence of FG. I don't want to believe that the FG doesn't know about this radio Biafra because the allocation of radio frequencies must go through so red tapes.
Am beginning to think,is the FG ignoring them on purpose?Is the FG trying to use this radio station to create problems when their time expires? Is this part of a larger plan for the eventual division of this country? I don't know,but what i know is that such a radio station should not be allowed to exist because of the inciting programmes they run at the station.

nah! It's just their niche(selling point)
Their demographic is south-easterners
and if talking about actualization of biafra gets people through the door then they should carry on because "MONEY HARD MAN"
Don't worry if they are unethical or out of line, FRCN will be sure to caution them

-John tucker must die
-Walk to

Khalessi:
And this drum keeps saying she's a virgin...

Drum ke? na matress we dey call am for house o

suggyspic:
Emenike got married to Juliet in 2008, after five years of marriage, they broke up in 2013. Emenike tried every thing possible to make her(Juliet) stay but her mind was made up. She left the marriage in spite of her father asking her to be patient and stay. Juliet's father told her that she knows the culture that once you are married and the bride price has been paid, she cannot bring any other man to remarry her.

Two years after the breakup Emenike wants the father to refund him the bride price, but the father refuse telling him that he is still his son-in-law till death.

Is this true that in Delta state that bride price cannot be returned?

What other method can Emenike use to collect his bride price, considering the fact that his kindred have made efforts towards the issue.

Can the customary court compel the father to give back the bride price?

N/b. They WEre only married in the traditional way.

make the guy carry the girl papa go court na

Alaroro still dey pursue 5 year old bride price

ok o
FG never take care of the ones wey dey them country finish na una u want make them focus on.




good luck

mido hamido
Muahahahahahahaha bradley cooper we shall meet again(zooms off in his iraqi get away mobile)
bradley cooper
Damn it he has escaped again,i've failed again, democracy has been delayed,the iraqi people will no longer be liberated, i've looked at the enemy in the mirror and its me i've......(Looks at watch) oops tour is over have fun getting your heads blown by sammy sheik
narrator
back in america bradley and his son are chilling at an auto shop when a young marine dude shows up
young marine
Hey you saved my life i'm eternally grateful
bradley cooper
*scowls*
young marine
Hey kid your dad is a hero american bullies in iraq are safer thanks to him.
bradley cooper
What an irony cause i look like i'm few inches away from freaking out and murdering my family kandahar style
young marine
Don't worry my friend there's light at the end of the tunnel for behold the SPOILER: you shall cure your post traumatic stress by working in a VA clinic till then see ya
narrator
bradley is still trying to adjust to america's p*ssy lifestyle
bradley cooper
WTF where's my shot gun why did you scream so loud honey? And why am i n*ked?
sienna miller
Dude i just had an orgasm c'mon we were just having sex
bradley cooper
Oh my bad its just that loud sounds scare me
sienna miller
So you wanna tell me what happens in iraq?
bradley cooper
You wanna f*ck yourself with a cast iron?
sienna miller
*rolls eyes* you know what i don't understand is how soldiers still have post traumatic stress disorder till now? Its been over 40 years since vietnam they have created remote controlled airplanes but they can't create a drug or facility to prevent/cure post traumatic stress?
⁠
⁠
bradley cooper
would you just drop it? is that all you do in this movie?
sienna miller
Yea nag you about the war and give birth to plastic kids so lets skip to the nursery already
narrator
sienna miller gives birth to a girl and for some reason they allowed a Psychotic navy seal into the infant nursery because "them no like themselve" for yankee
bradley cooper
Oh my kid is crying i can see the nurse taking care of another kid but i shall lose my sh*t anyway and freak out on the nurse because TAKE ME TO A HOSPITAL ALREADY
sienna miller
you are cheating on me with iraq you are f*cking it and tearing it up while i stay at home and build memories alone with the kids
bradley cooper
I'm so not cheating on you(phone rings) er i got to go
sienna miller
Iraq again?
bradley cooper
Ira who?(Walks away to go f*ck iraq some more)
narrator
back in iraq Jake McDorman and bradley are having some team bonding time
Jake McDorman
I just bought a cheap a*ss ring to propose to my girlfriend
bradley cooper
Shut up
Jake McDorman
What?!
bradley cooper
Haven't you read the hollywood cliche book? Chapter 25verse 13-14 "you can survive any battle in a war till you start talking about your girlfriend back home"
Jake McDorman
Really? So if i say i'm gonna propose at the airbase?
bradley cooper
Dude shut up
Jake McDorman
What if i told you i've got a mortgage and we are gonna live happily ever after?[/b]
bradley cooper
Oh for f*ck sake(walks away)
sammy sheik
my terrorist senses just picked up a happy american there is nothing i hate more than a happy american(shoots Jake McDorman in the f*cking face)
Jake McDorman
Oh that's what you were talking about(collapses)

To be continued.....

sienna miller
*Whine*b*tch*moan* dude you got to lemme in on your war trauma
bradley cooper
No I can't do this
sienna miller
Why? Because you don't wanna hurt me?
bradley cooper
No because this is a super cliched movie with super cliched melo-drama come on we see this in cop movies, war movies even super hero movies when will hollywood change this sh*t?
clint eastwood
hey if it ain't broke don't fix it
narrator
next we see bradley lying to an obsterician
obsterician
So how are you doing brad?
bradley cooper
I'm good you know what I mean?(Nose sprouts like pinnochio)
obsterician
Really? But your blood pressure is as high as a f*cking kite, you hardly sleep and you just flipped out on your wife about how everyone doesn't give a sh*t about the war in iraq
bradley cooper
I'm fine(more nose sprout)
sienna miller
Can I get into your head now?
bradley cooper
oh my Gosh! NO! Jeez why is everyone on my sh*t all the time? You wanna get into something how about going into labor
sienna miller
*rolling eyes* fine
narrator
sienna gives birth to a baby boy
bradley cooper
Seriously? A plastic baby? Come on are we that cheap that we can't at least make a CGI baby or just get a random kid from the street damn!(Scurries off to iraq)
⁠
narrator
bradley "coincidentally"bumps into his brother who is on his way home
bradley cooper
Hey bro what's up?
Keir O'Donnell
*scowls* children,sand, sandals,hijab
bradley cooper
Wow two crazy kids I bet our parents must be really proud of us
Keir O'Donnell
Man f*ck america
chris kyle
what you say?!
Keir O'Donnell
Er f*ck this country. I meant to say
⁠narrator
so bradley coopers earlier convoy protector plot has been successfully abandoned and now he leads a team of stereotypical buddie-buddie soldiers
mark
I regret this war
bradley cooper
Well we are defending our families who are a million miles apart by making them fatherless hence going through a life of pain and bad decisions which will eventually kill them anyway
mark
Yea that's right*slaps his face* snap out of it let's go bully another innocent family hoorah!
narrator
they burst into another family home to once again threaten their lives into giving information about mido hamada
bradley cooper
where is mido hamada? where the f*ck is he? I heard he is in the building next door?
NOT terrorist
Uh if you actually know his location then what are you shaking me up for?
bradley cooper
Sorry about that man I'm just hungry
NOT terrorist
Wait a minute! You guys burst in here for a free meal?
bradley cooper
Yep our big-mac budget has been spent on another f*cking hellicarrier we don't need
NOT terrorist
Hey its a holiday why don't you me and my family for dinner in our terrorist safe house surely that's a good idea
bradley cooper
An even better idea that you didn't poison our food or spike our drinks
NOT terrorist
loooool! You are so funny(taps son exposing his really gross elbows)
bradley cooper
(Thinking :Hmmmn super-gross elbows must mean he is a terrorist) ahem! Excuse me take the typical hollywood movie excuse"can I use your restroom" which is a code for can I search the f*ck out of your house
NOT terrorist
Ok just be sure not to check over the
⁠hidden compartment on the floor that says "don't look in this room"
narrator
bradley searches the house
bradley cooper
Yeah f*ck you amnesty global(finds gun compartment) jackpot
narrator
bradley approaches the host
bradley cooper
So mr. Host I just found a bunch of guns under your house.
NOT terrorist
That's not mine you guys planted it there
bradley cooper
Planting evidence? Nah! That's FBI sh*t we Navy SEALS just shoot suspicious looking people and barf on their corpse
NOT terrorist
Ugh dammit! You got me so I guess you are going to...........
narrator
force their host to get into the building under surveillance the best way the SEALS no how to AT GUNPOINT a dude opens the door to bradley's host
Bradley cooper
ding dong motherf*cker(blasts the door opener's head without finding out if he is a hostage, a friendly or a dude undercover/duress)
NOT terrorist
grrrr! You just shot my brother now I shall try to shoot soldiers I can't see because I have saw dust for brains(he does so and gets shot)
mada hamido
Yaaaaaawn!(Escapes)
To be continued.......

MrDojo:
I wnted to start thread for all d MCU lovers out der..... the MCU has released mega hit movies like avengers...iron man...cap America so on.....so d purpose of dis thread is 4 all MCU fans to talk abt movies....past movies and even TvSeries and Comic books.....[size=8pt][/size]

Oh sh*t are you talking about MCU?

That's my sh*t there's nothing I love more than an MCU movie

I love the way they insult our intelligence and the laws of physics

I love the way bundled up their best heroes and forced them into a plotless movie just to make a buck

I love how no one dies for real

and omg don't lemme start talking about loki who keeps showing up even when it isn't necessary

Long live MCU

⁠narrator

bradley heads back to the base

fellow SEAL
Congratulations you just killed a woman and a kid from a hidden safe distance like a f*cking coward how do you feel?
bradley cooper
I feel like killing more kids and women from a safe distance like a coward oh man the rush, that's got to be adrenaline right? Shooting and killing defenseless people from a safe distance
fellow SEAL
yea either that or a severe case of schizophrenia I mean you are supposed to have no regrets about killing them not relish it and ask for more
bradley cooper
Whatever man time to head unto the store to get me a sh*t load of diapers for my next montage
narrator
bradley continues to provide stalking services for marine units who are going door-to-door selling "Oppression and fear cookies" to innocent civilians in an evacuated city
marine
Hey innocent civilian we swore to protect, how about putting your life at risk by telling us the location of al Qaeda leader named  Mido Hamada.
innocent civilian
Nope I think i'll
marine
Second question are you a terrorist? We are actually racial-profiling arab males of military age as a threat because that sh*t never gets old
narrator
meanwhile bradley cooper is taking piss and sh*ts on himself
bradley cooper
ah! Nothing feels better that pee touching my skin, (blows the brain of an iraqi whose only crime was "looking suspicious"
6 arab brains spilled so far , more than other serial killers combined which is deeply disturbing and should be looked into but hey, human right watch can eat a d*ck ,phew! it doesn't get better than this.
narrator
his wife calls
bradley cooper
Wow my wife is calling time to give up my position by answering my phone which is supposed to be for official purposes only? Anyway,(answers the phone)Oh right you are still in this movie
sienna miller
So how is iraq?
bradley cooper
Oh iraq is super, the roads are paved in kit kats and they give you lollipops just because it's wednesday
sienna miller
Are you sure? Cause I actually watch the news and that's not what they say
bradley cooper
Uh!(Changes subject) I heard you are pregnant who is the father?
sienna miller
You of course, you are a f*cking sharp shooter , what the f*ck is wrong with you?
bradley cooper
nothing just a foreshadowing of the Post traumatic disorder to come, its gonna be EPIC!
sienna miller
Perhaps I should start unleashing my b*tchiness by whining about building a baby crib which obviously all american men seem to like doing with their nagging pregnant wife and totally don't find an excuse to skip it
bradley cooper
What's that baby sorry can't hear you I have to leave my totally safe hiding place so you can hear horrifying death squeals and sh*t ton of gun fire
narrator
bradley s the marines on the ground

marines on ground
holy sh*t what are you doing here? Who is watching our a*sses?
bradley cooper
Uh dude chill out its just a movie, you should be happy the dude from guardians of the galaxy is kicking it with you guys so how about waving guns at innocent civilians and asking questions?
narrator[\b]
[b]threaten an innocent family at gun point
bradley cooper
not only am I an excellent sniper, I'm also an expert interrogator now tell me where Mido Hamada is
innocent civilian
I will tell you where he is but I need 100 000 dollars in exchange
bradley cooper
a hundred what? What you wanna do with that kind of money?
innocent civilian
O_o are you kidding me I live in a blown to sh*t fortress don't you think I want a better life?
bradley cooper
alright I can get you your money, you can trust me I only come from the country that imposed a ruthless dictator on your country and then blew your country to sh*t just to get rid of him
narrator
bradleys truck is attacked by  Sammy Sheik and at the same time alqaeda abducts the innocent civilian and his son
bradley cooper
*shrugs* oh well we tried to care

Mido Hamada
(Grabs the innocent civilian and his son)
I used my super hearing to find out that you snitched to the americans I learnt this from miami vice this is how to kill snitches(drills and shoots them to death) lemme guess another failed attempt to make bradley look like the good guy right? F*cking hollywood(walks away)
narrator[\b]
[b]bradley returns home and tries to adjust to normal life
sienna miller
Dude did you just sh*t your pants
bradley cooper
Oh my bad I thought I was still in iraq
sienna miller
Why are you eye-humping that lady across the road
bradley cooper
Not eye humping just monitoring her to see if she is a terrorist and that stroller is made of a sh*t ton of C4
sienna miller
Dude did you just scream TAKE COVER before c*mming during sex
bradley cooper
My bad I thought we were r*ping a defenseless iraqi woman
sienna miller
Are you watching a horror flick?!
bradley cooper
Its just a boot-leg video of how sammy sheiks kills people and records it so he can sell it on the streets
sammy sheik
Yea because I'm a sick motherf*cker or maybe I'm just killing american soldiers/invaders and I'm selling it on the streets to finance a good cause and give my people hope? anyway this plays out man it doesn't beat your shooting a woman and her child
bradley cooper
Whatever!
To be continued...

⁠
narrator
⁠The film cuts to a young bradley hunting with his father in the same tired old forest where hunger games and twilight were shot
young bradley cooper
*rolling eyes*Yea another cliched sniper background hunting with my douchebag dad story
clint eastwood
yea! Just like micheal bay f*cked up pearl habour, I just thought I make this movie miss its mark by turning it into a generic superhero/action movie infact I'm gonna rip the sh*t out of enemy at the gates which was a way better movie by the way
narrator
young bradley Shoots a deer
young bradley
Hell yea I just shot a f*cking deer in texas animal cruelty is how they know you are a man and accept you in the red neck tribe
ben reed
oh baby are you hurt? are you okay?
young bradley
O_o dad I'm standing right here I'm fine
ben reed
I'm not talking about you I'm talking about your gun why did you just drop it on the ground like that? You shall never have my love or approval now let's head to church for the next few scenes
narrator
so we see young brad and his family in church with his pocket bible in a failed attempt to make us "root for the bad guy" back at home young brad's born-again father tells a very weird story he ripped off of team america
ben reed
F*ck what they say in church there are three sets of people in this world the
D*cks(america's dissidents), the p*ssies(america's a*ss kissers) and the a*ssholes(america)
P*ssies don't like d*cks, because p*ssies get f*cked by d*cks. But d*cks also f*ck a*ssholes: a*ssholes that just want to sh*t on everything. P*ssies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can f*ck an a*sshole is a d*ck, with some balls. The problem with d*cks is: they f*ck too much or f*ck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a p*ssy to show them that. But sometimes, p*ssies can be so full of shit that they become a*ssholes themselves... because p*ssies are an inch and half away from a*ss holes. If you don't let d*cks f*ck a*ssholes, we're going to have our d*cks and p*ssies all covered in sh*t!
 young bradley and young Keir O'Donnell
Ew gross dad
Elise Robertson
I ought to wash your mouth out with soap honey
clint eastwood
Plus he totally said the truth about america and the truth ain't pretty so let's re-edit with some bullsh*t line which is just a hardcore way to say with great power comes great responsibility
ben reed
Ugh! Not that bullsh*t spiderman sorry a*ss speech again c'mon the speech isn't even that bad a*ss okay fine *rolls eyes*
There are sheep, wolves and sheepdogs in this world which one are you
young bradley
a sheep dog?
ben reed
What ever
narrator
next young bradley sees his little brother young Keir O'Donnell having his a*ss handed to him
young bradley
OMG a wolf?
doomed bully
No I'm just a small time bully I'm not a w......
young bradley
WOOOOOLF!!!!(Opens a can of whoopa*ss and viciously beats the bully to sh*t)
bradley cooper
So spiderman got his inspiration from hunting down an uncle killer, batman got his from league of shadow ninjas and I'm getting mine from kicking a kids a*ss on a play ground? Is this a metaphor for what america does to the middle east and africa?
ben reed
haha violent loser tendencies that's my boy, just a few racial comments and my boy would become a full blooded texan yeehaw
narrator
brad grows up to be a violent no count loser( surprise surprise) who rides bulls for a living
bradley cooper
Oh I'm a typical pre-superhero low life who has no com for his life, wonder how my life can get any worse
(he goes home and finds a guy b*ning his chicks brains out)
bradley cooper
WOLF?!
doomed adulterer
no actually she didn't tell me she had a man so she's the wolf
skank girlfriend
Well you are a douche boyfriend that sex starves me and push me to any dude that buys me a beer so you are the wolf
bradley cooper
man f*ck this wolf business I need to knucklize someone tonight but I don't hit women( I only shoot'em in the brain) so unlucky dude that's gonna be you
narrator
bradley kicks the adulterer's a*ss around, then he does it again and kicks him out of his house of course with some knuckle sandwich to take home
bradley cooper
Oh no I've no idea what to do with my life
tv advert
Are you a no count loser?
bradley cooper
Yes
tv advert
Are you looking for an excuse to murder a f*ckton of people?
bradley cooper
Like yea
tv advert
Do you like to fight wars that make no sense?
bradley cooper
Oh my God I do
tv advert
then this is your lucky day the american military today
audience
Oh my God did you just rip-off that katy perry video where she ed the army because her boyfriend cheated on her
clint eastwood
Good idea maybe I will rip off the boot-camp montage from the video and rip-off the richard gere/black dude stunt from officer and a gentle man while I'm at it
narrator
⁠bradley visits a US navy office and talks with the recruiter
bradley cooper
Ahem so I hear y'all putting up a team of murderers mind if I your flock? fawgeve ma "corny" country attitude I'm texan and proud you see
Navy recruiter
Here's a pamphlet for the US SEAL programme you'll be doing some endurance exercises and some swimming
bradley cooper
Well I aint doing no swimming, we don't do no swimming back in texas so I don't do no swimming I'm texan ya hear?
navy recruiter
Oh well US navy seals is not for everybody
bradley cooper
Well I'll be damned I aint everybody I'm a rooting tooting marks red neck cowboy and I'ma cap me some A-rab brains because I love ma country terrible much and that tears me up something fierce partner(spits in trash can) so I'ma do this here navy SEALs programme thank very much
navy recruiter
reverse psychology works everytime
bradley cooper
Howdy there! I'm here to em navy SEAL programme
 Leonard Roberts
The f*ck grandpa don't you think you are a little too late for that?
bradley cooper
Ha! I'm immune to your insults my douche dad ben reed prepared me for this sh*t ,I'm insult proof

narrator
⁠
⁠then we see bradley getting ready to be the american sniper by lying on some luxury beach with a river washing over him ,carrying logs over a river,getting blasted with a f*cking hose and basically just being around a lot of rivers
 Leonard Roberts
*barking* any of you thirsty
bradley cooper
Yes sir
drill sergeant
*barking* okay here you go grandpa(unleashes the whole of kanji dam on bradley's face)
bradley cooper
*barking* thank you sir may I have another For my alzeimers pills?
 Leonard Roberts
(Over acting) oh my God we have been searching for the harda*ss recruit who is not scared of getting wet oh we don't see people like you around here much #Respect
chris evans
Seriously even my captain america training was more interesting
generic drill sergeant
Time for some marksmanship evaluation
bradley cooper
Yea I shot and killed a deer once like a billion years ago that makes me an expert at this
 Leonard Roberts
Now rule number one keep one eye closed when using a long ranged rifle
bradley cooper
What about two eyes you might need the other eye to watch the hostile behind you, like a f*cking goat
 Leonard Roberts
You dare challenge my teachings? I shall lose my sh*t over such a mundane issue now drop on the floor and gimme 50
bradley cooper
(Proofs his badassery by Shooting an innocent snake) boo yuh!
generic drill sergeant[\b]
(Muttering) lil mr know it all(walks away)
[b]bradley cooper
Yee haw I just got into the navy SEAL and humiliated a black man now time to celebrate the way the red necks do it ;HEAD UNTO A BAR TO DRINK AND VOMIT AND PISS MYSELF because.......... Discipline can eat a d*ck
narrator
bradley heads into a pub where he meets Sienna Miller being a b*tch to every dude that approaches her Somehow this turns him on
bradley cooper
Howdy you ol cactus flower want me to buy you a drink?
Sienna Miller
Navy SEAL yuk! I hate them
bradley cooper
Why because they keep their army wives on their toes and subject them to early single motherhood/widowhood?
Sienna Miller
No because my sister dated one and he cheated on her
bradley cooper
Haha funny really what's your reason? Ugh! Really that's it?
clint eastwood
Ran into a wall there you can edit the script if you like
Sienna Miller
Anyway I hate navy SEALS and I don't wanna have anything to do with them so now let's do some shots so I can get st*pidly drunk and you can have your way with me
bradley cooper
well I was gonna roofy you up and date r*pe you, but this plan is a lot better,of course it has to be a cinnamon fire from 2006 even though this movie back dates to 2001
clint eastwood
Yea just wanted to add a lil science fiction just to spice things up so time travelling is allowed
narrator
then sienna miller gets sh*tfaced which kills the vibe and bradley has to cope with every guys nightmare PLAYING DOCTOR OVER BLUE BALLS
sienna miller
Oh lawd you took care of me when I st*pidly got drunk how romantic definitely a love story I'm gonna tell my kids I wanna be your widow
narrator
anyway for the sake of progress she hurriedly drops her guard and f*cking marries bradley[/b]
sienna miller
⁠oh wedding night so amazing
bradley cooper[\b]
Yea I'm having fun
[b]audience
we aint
US marine
well you are in luck america has launched a super meaningless war against iraq and bradley is required to go there to shoot some heads
bradley cooper
Time to progress with the story after this pointless flashback hoorah!
⁠bradley cooper
(Back in the present) wow! Fun times she wrote so where was I? (Blows kid's brains out)
narrator
female suicide bomber picks up the grenade and chases after the military convoy
bradley cooper
Two-in-one? Sh*t must be my lucky day(blows her head off too) yawn! Time to head back to base
To be continued.....

seankafor:
Just like olumpus has fallen, battlesip, white house down, pls can anyone help me with names of movies that showcase full war hardwares
... I ve been hearing drones in media but its only in 24 season 9 that i saw how dangerous drones can be especially when hacked.

james bond and mission impossible

narrator[\b]
[b]andrew lazaar and peter morgan are sharing a bong
andrew lazaar high on reefer
*cough* *cough* grrrrr! I want an oscar real baaaaaaaaad!
peter morgan high on reefer
So why don't you shoot a slave movie like everybody else I hear that's how people get oscars these days
quentin tarantino
The slave-trend quota in hollywood has been filled buddie go find another lazy concept to board
andrew lazaar high on reefer
What about a movie about the days of segregation? When white dudes were even bigger jerks to black people
david oyelowo
Ahem! Oga park well o!
peter morgan high on reefer
Uh man what can we shooot?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Hey how about a movie based of the life of everyones favourite war hero chris kyle?
peter morgan high on reefer
Chris who now?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Chris kyle you know? That dude that killed 255 people in iraq
peter morgan high on reefer
a serial killer in the most controversial and unjustified military occupation ever been portrayed as a hero? Hells yea let's make that
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Yea man let get spielberg to direct it, perhaps people might eat this bullsh*t up like they did for private ryan
peter morgan high on reefer
brilliant
steven spielberg
Oh you want me to do a war movie? Okay I'll just get my dinosaurs ready
andrew lazaar high on reefer
No no dinosaurs in iraq
steven spielberg
Okay then I'll get my shark ready
andrew lazaar high on reefer
No sharks in this one spielberg
steven spielberg
What about big belly aliens with enormous heads?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
No
steven spielberg
Okay then I bet I'll deceive everyone with an ensemble cast like I did in schindlers list
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Nope
steven spielberg
Then what the f*ck do I get to do in this movie?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
How about you do some real directing this time steven?
steven spielberg
Real directing? How do they spell that? Sorry doesn't exist in my vocabulary You know what? I'll
chris nolan
Hey I can do it
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Yea right! When we need a director to give the audience a headache and make an aspirin company a sh*t ton of dollars, we'll give you a call
clint eastwood
I'll do it, nothing like a super violent movie to give you a good b*ner
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Okay you are hired so now who do we get as lead actor
bradley cooper
I'll do it
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Anyone?
bradley cooper
Oh pick me pick me oh pick me
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Mathew McConaughey?
mathew McConaughey
Haven't recovered from chris nolan's latest headache interstellar
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Leonardo you up for it?
leonardo dicaprio
Do I get to curse every 1.5 seconds, drink a lot of booze and sniff a ton of crack and f*ck countless number of hookers while insulting the american currency in this movie?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Are you kidding? chris kyle is a broke navy seal who used to be a ranch dude
leonardo caprio
In that case NO
bradley cooper
Ahem
tobey maguire
I'll do it
bradley cooper
(Waving a tyre iron)
what you say?
tobey maguire
(Scurries off)
bradley cooper
So we were saying?
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Dude I'm not going to hire a dude that played a racoon in his last movie
bradley cooper
I'll pay you for it
andrew lazaar high on reefer
Why didn't you say so? Free labour no american can refuse that,You're hired!
narrator
Iraq, its Bradley Cooper's first mission and he is perched on a rooftop, scoping out the path of a US military convoy through his sniper rifle.
Yea man my first assignment I'm so excited I get to kill people and not get prosecuted for it this is the life
(He sees a man on a rooftop talking on a cell phone)
what's this? a generic arab terrorist with permission to kill? My day just got better
marine buddie
Slow down brad he may just be some arab trey songz singing birthday sex to his girlfriend
bradley cooper
Yea just happens to be doing that on a rooftop while watching an american military convoy
marine buddie
Dude we totally blew up their communication towers its a surprise they can even make phone calls right now
bradley cooper
Well tough t*tty he is arab he is suspicious that's good enough for me..... where the f*ck did he go? damn it my first lost!
marine buddie
Wo! Check out the booty on that arab chick downstairs walking towards the convoy
bradley cooper
lekwa! 17,18,19............ oh sh*t she's totally a terrorist and has handed the grenade over to her kid
command center
If that kid is innocent killing him will hook you up to a lifetime supply of prison r*pe so be careful
bradley cooper
Oh my God the dilemna I either let my fellow american soldiers die or I kill an innocent kid..........okay you know what screw it I can't even sell suspense on this sh*t the kid is obviously holding a grenade time to burst a cap in his brain
Ahem! Just to show everyone that I'm not some kind of sick f*ck who enjoys shooting people in the head,I shall now take you to some sort of disclaimer flashback.
To be continued.....

james franco
haha thank God the cameras weren't turned off this way i can show the world that i was wearing a bullet proof vest the whole time
audience
And where did you get a bullet proof vest?
audienceII
Can anyone really take a point blank shot with no consequence just because he is wearing a bullet proof vest?
audienceIII
What if he chose to shoot you in the head?
audienceIV
Did the paranoid korean soldiers actually find this bullet proof vest with you and not freak out?
audienceV
If you could conceal a bullet proof vest why couldn't you conceal a f*cking ricin strip?
audienceVI
Shouldn't you have given your bullet proof vest to seth rogen all this time since he is the one that had to smuggle a missile up his butt and is currently playing cannibal with hungry koreans?
james franco[\b]
uh, would you look at the time thanks for watching my show james franco g out where's my puppy?
[b]narrator
meanwhile diana is shooting the f*ck out of her fellow korean soldiers just because they were trying to open a door
diana bang
wow i f*cked seth rogen and i'm already betraying my country? i wonder what i would have done if i f*cked someone like idris elba now time for my anti-randall faction to get activated and over power the military, ANTI-RANDALL FACTION UNITE
(a dude shows up)now the team is complete let's match forth to victory
seth rogen
you are facing the fourth largest army in the world and your only ally is a receptionist with an ak-47 rifle? i think we have over stayed our welcome, have fun with another war america caused
james franco
yea gimme the puppy lets head home to an america which has probably been nuked thanks to me

randall park
i can't believe james embarrassed me like that on tv why did he do that?
korean soldier
because he was honey d*cking you
randall park
honey d*cking? a few minutes ago he didn't have sh*t to say almost like he was asked to betray me, you know this honey d*cking/potting business is beginning to confuse everyone.
korean soldier
What's even weird is how we are minutes away from the movies climax and still no one has seen you be a jerk all you've been is likeable,hospitable and fun
randall park
holy cow you're right! Time to be a total jerk er.......let's see I'm gonna shoot you in the butt hole and if y'all are counting this should be the 5th-100th joke we are making about butt holes
korean soldier II
Sir your death awaits
randall park
What?!
korean soldierII
I mean james franco escaped
randall park
The f*ck?! Ready my chopper and arm my nukes
korean soldierII
Arm your nukes?
randall park
Yea that's right just because one dude got me to sh*t my pants on live tv I shall arm my nukes and fire them anywhere belle face because I'm crazy you see?
lizzy caplan
sitting on my hands hoping a tiger can hop out of nowhere and eat the nuclear missiles
seth rogen
That's it? Don't you have a spy that can stop the launch or a drone that can detonate the nukes in pyongyang or on transit instead?
lizzy caplan
I can pray the missiles hit a tuscan during transit will that work?
seth rogen
oh God we are doomed
narrator
the trio escape with a rusty old tank which surprisingly still works and james knows how to drive thanks to his one ride with randall even though he was outside the whole time, they are being chased by two suvs and a chopper above them with randall in it what a cliche climax
seth rogen
that's right I have the creative mind of a Playgroup pupil
randall park
fire at the tank
narrator
the chopper fires at the tank but it conveniently hits the two suvs behind the tank even though the tank made no effort to dodge the missile
audience
Care to explain
james franco
Well the tank is made of adamantium
stan lee
Ahem! That lame concept has already been occupied buddie
james franco
Fine I guess I have no explanations then
diana bang
Kill randall
james franco
Kill him? I thought violence was not the answer besides the people no longer believe in him shouldn't there at least be one positive message in this bullsh*t movie?
diana bang
F*ck that sh*t let's kill him
seth rogen
But we don't know how to load the missiles and randall is too busy arming his nukes he doesn't seem to give a sh*t anymore
diana bang
Less reasoning more random violence
randall park
oh the missiles missed the tank! ehn who gives a f*ck? position the chopper at the tanks target range then fire the nukes in 3,2......... oh sh*t the tanks is firing at my chopper why are there even missiles in that rusty old tank how does it not accidentally detonate its not exactly chilling in the tank(gets blown to sh*t)
diana bang
ok guys go through this tunnel that will take you away from north korea and lead you to north korea i hope no north korean soldiers are waiting for you out there now if you excuse me i have to go murder the rest of the kim family so that power falls in my hands i mean so that power doesn't fall in the wrong hands goodbye seth and franco
seth rogen
Good bye diana(shakes her hand)
james franco
really? At the start of the film you didn't mind kissing a dude not to mention you guys totally had sex a few minutes ago now you wanna be quirky and cute?
seth rogen
Yeah you're right let's kiss ionately with angry koreans on our tail
narrator
they come out of the tunnel
seth rogen
holy sh*t is more north korean soldiers
navy seals
no its just US navy seals because there's an entire unit of asian navy seals and we tracked you with this watch you are wearing because it totally has a transmitter that is always activated
seth rogen
so how did you know we were ing this tunnel?
james franco
and why did you guys charge at us like a couple of dementos?
navy seals
just shut up and get on the boat that's right our escape plan is a boat because the north korean coast guards won't be on alert to watch out for us hurry get on the boat but first lizzy caplan wants to speak to james franco who didn't smuggle a missile in his a*ss and fight to keep the tv transmission on
james franco
Hey lizzy!
lizzy caplan
OMG! It was a success this is what we shall be doing now rather than military invasions, we shall send journalists to humiliate world leaders and murder them afterwards now hurry back your next assignment should you choose to accept is west african leaders
GEJ
gulp!
seth rogen
I know our case is hopeless and there's no way we are leaving north korea alive but lets just play happy songs so the audience don't realize how f*cked up we are and we shall blame the whole kim murder and mutiny on diana bang because you know how we americans are, we don't take responsibility for our sh*t
james franco
and how will you blame diana for what she didn't start?
seth rogen
honey potting
james franco
cool that cool that so how will the movie go from here will the world take us seriously? will there be any retracts from your buddie in 90minutes or those comedians who were mocking me earlier?
seth rogen
- Well you'll get to publish your tell all which will meticulously describe your involvement in kim's murder as well as the CIA's involvement even though they didn't want their involvement known in the first place
- then I shall be seen looking serious in a tv studio with my fingers magically re-attached I guess that scene shall answer all the questions concerned with the after directions of our crappy show
james franco
What about the korean people?
- Will they finally eat something?
- will they be free from tyranny and oppression?
- will the concerntration camps be destroyed?
-will they simply smile and wave at the both of us who blatantly murdered their president?
seth rogen
Well we could give them skype? No other thing screams prosperity like skype and social media
And oh lizzy is nuts for you for no reason now
lizzy caplan
that's right guys i'm a helpless slut again because f*ck feminism every woman needs a man
AMC
what da f*ck? so you spent 75 million dollars on this crappy movie?
seth rogen
of course we did the horrible CGI and actors weren't for free you know?
AMC
and what is your plan with this movie?
seth rogen
i'm hoping to liberate the korean people with this masterpiece
AMC
let me get this straight so the korean people will be liberated by a movie(in english language) that forces american pop-culture on the koreans with the north korean norms and culture being in nowhere in the movie,then showcase their leader with so much charisma and kindness after which he is humiliated and murdered by americans from the third most hated country in the world? good luck with that mate but i ain't showing this sh*t in my cinemas though
seth rogen
why? are you scared that north korea will take action against like a thousand cinemas that will show this movie?
AMC
no i don't want a riot in my cinemas by moie viewers that want a refund and i don't want AMC to remind everyone of that crappy movie seth rogen did thereby killing my good business so f*ck off
seth rogen
OMG we spent so much money on this movie what are we going to do
AMC
you could force people to watch it by claiming that north korea threatens terrorist actions against americans who watch this movie and the catch phrase for your marketing campaign should be your freedom of speech is at stake if you don't watch this movie
seth rogen
that sounds like a good idea
AMC
i'm being sarcastic
seth rogen
time to hire guardians of peace to hack into sony servers i'm off
sony
Yes you do that
narrator
sony meets with nicholas stoller
sony
So seth rogen has made mockery of satirical comedy, he writes sh*t and expects people to watch it and one advantage he has is that he doesnot mind flushing sony's money down the toilet its been 3 f*cking projects so far 3 and this is the worst of them all, we are actually begging people to watch it for free
nicholas stoller
Why are you telling me all these?
sony
Because you are going to be on set with seth rogen for neighbours 2 congratulations anyway we would like to use this opportunity to take him out
nichollas stoller
What?
sony
Don't do the whole what do you mean by take him out routine from the interview cause I know you understand me clearly
End

james franco
hey guys i came to ruin the mood with my rage, i hate randall so much where's that ricin strip i am so gonna shake the f*ck out of his hand so he can sh*t his pants and die all because of #FakeMart
diana bang
what?
james franco
what the f*ck is she doing here lets kill her
seth rogen
she is one of the legendary anti randall faction she is on our side
james franco
dude that only happens in james bond flicks what makes you think she was not sent here to fake her "change of heart" as a way to spy on us?
seth rogen
because i wrote the f*cking story genius
diana bang
and north koreans are very st*pid there's no way there could be clever enough to launch that kind of plan
seth rogen
so how do we kill him?
diana bang
no we shouldn't kill him haven't you americans learnt from libya and iraq? killing him won't solve anything instead let's............... make him cry his eyes out and sh*t his pants? what the hell will that achieve?
seth rogen
that way the koreans will hate him and democracy will reign automatically get it? okay fine i know i can't sell that but its the best i can come up with and we are desperately looking for a laugh here we don't want the audience dwelling on the fact that america f*cked up iraq and libya real nice that's bad for market
diana bang
*rolling eyes* whatever looks like we need guns for that
james franco
O_o okay so don't kill randall but kill the innocent people who are only following orders? Sucks to be korean right now
seth rogen
speaking of guns I've got a 8=========D with your name on it
diana bang.
(Holds back barf) yea right more like 8=D
narrator
seth dry humps the sh*t out of diana to the utter disgust of the audience
james franco
you ready?
seth rogen
yea i just had sex and i was thinking about randall the whole time wait that didn't come out right
james franco
i love you man lets kiss and make up and go sacrifice our lives for the freedom of the koreans because americans are the good guys
seth rogen
even though we are here because we want to be taken seriously and we want to kill randall because he has nuclear missiles that can reach america
diana bang
and you also killed charles rahi chun but i shall gladly sweep that under the carpet now lets go its show time
narrator
next we are subjected to a montage of randall getting ready for his interview
seth rogen
and let us shoot it the same way we shot danny mcbrides first appearance in this is the end because we have run out of ideas
and make sure you get a shot of his a*ss that is the money shot right there
randall park
now i shall just slip a gun in my ankle holster just in case franco asks any dumb questions and doesn't follow the script
steven spielberg
may be i should have done that to julia roberts on the set of hook
korean soldier
rather than shooting the interview on live tv shouldn't we record the interview and broadcast an edited version?
randall park
DO NOT QUESTION MY GEEEEEEEENIUS!!!!
narrator
james walks in
randall park
hi james guess what? i got you this dog from the set of this is the end (because we aren't even trying anymore)
james franco
oh holy good f*ck I love it alright lets begin the interview
how are you randall?
randall park
fine
james franco
how old are you?
randall park
i'm 40 years old which is weird since the real kim jong is in his 30s
viewers around the world
this is so boring why isn't james asking questions that can aggravate such an unpredictable person that can burst a cap in his chest
james franco
alright f*cking around is over why are you starving your people?
randall park
er i don't think you wanna go there james
james franco
oh yes i do 16 million of your people are living in poverty
randall park
well george bush did cancel our bilateral trade agreement with south korea and labelled us a rogue state so almost everyone turns their back on us so what's your excuse for 45.3million american people living in poverty? way more than north koreas by the way
james franco
45.3? I mean haha this isn't about me now but you get handouts of the united nations but why are your people still starving
george w bush jnr
haha the old american city shuffle you give'em UN aid with our right hand and slap them harsh economic sanction with our left hand classic
james franco
get the f*ck outta here george! Ahem why do you spend 800million dollars on nuclear weapons every year?
randall park
er because i don't wanna wake up to an american military occupation tomorrow you can relate to that right or isnt that why your government spends 19trn dollars on weapons every year ; to make their defence contractor friends happy and loyal?
james franco
why did you build #FakeMart to try and fool me?
randall park
why do american movies show prostitutes leaving in posh apartments and police detectives driving lambourghinis? of course that was only eye candy to satisfy you
james franco
now lets talk about your concentration camps(you know it would have helped to actually show a sort of CGI concentration camp?)
randall park
sure i shall talk to you about concentration camp when you talk about the 2.3 million americans you subject to puddings, expired milk and shower gangr*pe especially black people not to mention the other thousands you secretly abduct without a right to a fair trial all in the name of "terrorism"
james franco
black people like it there oops! er don't make me the enemy here what about your firing squad
randall park
well texas and a lot of conservative red states in america root for the death penalty so i don't think that should be a problem either
james franco
and you violate human rights
randall park
haha what do you think about
- your emails getting monitored
- your phone calls getting monitored
- capitalist having to dictate what you do at home and at work
-having no protesters zone for people speaking their minds
-labelled unpatriotic and condemned for not ing your countrys regimes
james franco
Oh my God who does that?
randall park
Uh america
james franco
Hey not cool where did you get that from
randall park
The media which is also influenced by government I give you;
Operation mockingbird: CIA campaign to influence the media
Operation 25.6 million dollars a year: pay software companies to put windows in software programs and encryptions so we can monitor our citizens on social media
Operation.........
seth rogen
holy sh*t randall is saying the bitter truth about america, quick skip to commercial or some meaningless fight i'm having behind the scene
randall park
not fair why don't you guys skip to commercial when talking sh*t about other peoples country?
narrator
then seth rogen and some random asian dude start biting off fingers and sticking up butt holes with some kinda joystick
seth rogen
don't shut down the transmission even though one of the camera and lighting guys can easily turn off the camera
asian dude with joystick up his butt
but you agreed to randall's and you are violating it, that's not right(gets shot in the head by diana)
diana bang
he posed a threat he did nothing he was doing nothing and he was going to do nothing
seth rogen
ok that's reason enough for me now lets skip back to james and randall's interview
randall park
just it it james you are a crappy charlie rose-esque talk show host who tried to fight a god
james franco
(sings katy perry's fire works obnoxiously)
randall park
(cries his eyes out and sh*ts his pants) oh my kryptonite a dude singing katy perry's fire works badly
james franco
why did you threaten to blow up the rest of the world
randall park
O_o dude i am randall park come on i do that all the time don't you watch the news? Besides the CIA were talking about murdering a dude in this movie who is worse off between us?
james franco
now you have sh*t your pants and cried like a baby on air i bet the korean people don't believe in you now and perhaps will start a revolution which will kill lots of them but let's just sweep that under the carpet
randall park
They will start a revolution because of an interview that was totally done in english who knows i could have been crying because of my peoples suffering man i bet my reputation will be skyrocketting by now and as for you, i have the option of seeking litigation against you for violating our agreement which everyone can bear witness to including your friends at the office and i shall bleed you out for emotional damages and if the CIA plot is revealed then score i shall have fun ragging the united states before the united nations, but instead of all that........... i shall shoot you in the chest in front of the whole world so they know just how bad sh*t crazy I really am
(shoots james in the chest and walks away with the cameras on)
To be continued..................

seth rogen
yea we probably shouldn't make light of your death scene
i apologize.......... just kidding we shall start making tasteless jokes about your impending death right from this scene how is that for insensitivity?
America
Moral of the story, tongue out to ukraine,iraq and everyone else cause we don't care about anyone else but us
signed:
american government
narrator
next seth and james are in a restaurant where they are entertained by some kids who are obviously not playing the guitar and are doing a bad job faking it,james is seated next to randall and seth is seated next to diana courtesy of the movies convenience department then Charles Rahi Chun begins to clean his gun for no reason few seconds before he begins to lose his sh*t literally
Charles Rahi Chun
oh God all that time seth and james were asking about my health i should have gone to the hospital to get checked now for no reason i shall conveniently shoot my second in command who was just as suspicious as me
narrator
he does so and it is really disgusting and uncalled for then the koreans mourn their dead Which is supposed to be funny? Seth may have some explaining to do during the directors cut.
Next james and seth are shown in randalls compound which is totally a set by the way

james franco
I'm not gonna kill randall
seth rogen
yes you are gonna kill him
korean soldiers
hmmm seth and james are arguing really loud about killing my boss but oh look according to the script i shouldn't give a f*ck and so shall it be
seth rogen
Time for an obligatory childish fight, you shall kill randall my anus shall not be violated in vain
james franco
he is my best friend and the only one that gets me
seth rogen
dude i thought i was the only one who understood you? besides since when did you become so emotionally desperate for approval,mr. smile and don't give a sh*t about what anybody says this is completely out of your character who wrote this dum...... Oh never mind
james franco
now i shall toss the poison strip into a water fountain and hope the dude cleaning the fountain doesn't find the strip and submit it to the president
randall park
hey james me at a restaurant to mourn my bodyguard in english
james franco
of course
seth rogen
hey randall
randall park
Er who is this guy? and why is he smiling weird and stretching out his hand while walking towards me in slow motion?
seth rogen
i just wanna shake your hand so that you may die the same way your bodyguard did and we will definitely be top suspects randall park
okay any friend of james is a friend of mine
james franco
he is jewish
randall park
ew! (scurries off)
seth rogen
obligatory jewish discrminatory joke check
narrator
randall mourns his bodyguards in english
randall park
i miss them so much they've looked after me since i was a kid and now in totally unrelated i shall rant about how much i hate america and how much of a jerk i am of course i shall do this in english and in francos presence(quotes jeremiah wright from boondocks). motherf*ck america,motherf*ck america's mother mother f*ck america's daddy, america can eat a d*ck america can.......... Oh great why didn't anyone tell me that james is still here
james franco
er can i take a stroll?
randall park
after hearing me sound like such a jerk? sure go unguarded have fun i just hope you don't stumble on my fake supermarket
narrator
james franco stumbles upon the fake supermarket
james franco
what da? so they had the time to build an outside structure but no time to stock the shop wow that's really childish or shall I say seth rogen-ish (flips through script) randall is all they say he is afterall he is a drug dealer an arms dealer, a r*pist, a terrorist and i know this because i just found his #FakeMart hey that sounds good lemme tweet it real quick
narrator
meanwhile seth gets a visit from diane
diana bang
hi i am here to go over some last minute details for the show why are you holding your hand open?
seth rogen
because i have a ricin strip poison on my palm
diana bang
haha you are so funny i thought you were going to make another m*staurbation joke
seth rogen
i think we have filled our m*sturbation quota for the day
diana bang
oh you are so funny can we bump pelvics?
Seth rogen
What?!
diana bang
We koreans have a fetish for fat american panda looking motherf*ckers
seth rogen
i probably should go take off the ricin strip in the bathroom or something but on the otherhand sex! lets have handless sex like that is possible
diana bang
oh my mood is ruined
seth rogen
why? because you are feeling guilty for being a propagandist in a totalitarian dictatorship(which you shouldn't expose to pure strangers by the way)
diana bang
no because i thought my career will take off on a more promising base not f*cking seth rogen in one of his boring movies that have no direction and depends heavily on filthy and offensive jokes
To be continued.....

narrator
they reach randall's personal security who picks up the gum pack in 2 seconds of their arrival
Charles Rahi Chun
Hey what's this?
james franco
It's er gum?
Charles Rahi Chun
Actually it looks like poison(sniffs it) it smells like poison(chews it) it even tastes like poison and your cringing isn't doing you both any favours but you know what? I believe ya! F*ck your chewing gum americans yuk!
seth rogen
I learnt this from james bond whenever you walk into a hotel scan for any microphones let's use our multipurpose wrist watches which the koreans were too dumb to notice
james franco
Ok no microphone that means we are out of danger no cameras or eavesdropping soldiers will be paying attention to us
Charles Rahi Chun
That's right we koreans are very paranoid that's why we shall be placing you two in ading suites and place no cameras or surveillance equipments in the room so you can plot my bosses death without interference
seth rogen
Hello agent lizzy james franco put his ricin strip in a pack of gum and  Charles Rahi Chun just ate it
james franco
Why the hell did you tell her that? its going to be extremely difficult to f*ck her now damn!
seth rogen
Yea right like all the dumb sh*t you've been saying throughout the movie isn't a turn-off already
lizzy caplan
Hang on tight I will send another ricin strip seth you are the expendable one here go put on the darkest clothes you just so happen to have brought along in your little travel pack and go outside to
Retrieve the package
seth rogen
Why me can't you pick a soldier from your anti randall faction to pick up the package?
james franco
Is there any part of this movie where we actually sleep because we've been on an over 12 hour journey plus jet lag?
narrator
then america sends out a drone (which is big enough to bring food to the starving korean people they claim to give a sh*t about) to carry a poison to commit murder and further plunge north korea into chaos, seth goes to retrieve the package and a siberian tiger comes out to retrieve a snack
siberian tiger
Wait so we are supposed believe that there are wild animals in the presidents back yard?
seth rogen
Well em*smacks* let's just say you are er the presidents pet tiger he uses to kill dissidents/spies
siberian tiger
Hmmm good idea alright why am I not attacking you already?
seth rogen
Because we are waiting for a metal d*ldo to strike you dead
siberian tiger
Metal d*ldo what metal (gets struck by the package which should have been smaller by the way)
seth rogen
Phew! I've the package
lizzy caplan
Thank God for a second I was hoping you and the package get eaten by the tiger to conceal any evidence of espionage and then we would have to rely on james STD to kill randall
seth rogen
What?
lizzy caplan
(Changes topic) hey seth there are korean soldiers charging towards you hide the package
seth rogen
But where should I hide it
james franco
Hide it in your butt
dead tiger
Hide it in your butt my blood will lubricate it
lizzy caplan
Hey I'm a cunt who has tried a*al before the tip is the hardest as soon as you the tip you get an org*sm so hide it in your butt
d*ldo shaped package
Yea hide me in your a*ss it so happens that I look like a p*nis so hide me in your butt you haven't got a lot of time you know?
narrator
seth hides a 12 inch metallic thingy in his butt in 2 seconds just in time before the korean army snatch him and search the f*ck out of him
seth rogen
Hey why did you strip me n*ked?
Charles Rahi Chun
Because we are north korean we have no respect for human rights in korea your d*ck is my d*ck well good thing we've respect for peoples anus so you're free to go we will certainly not keep close watch on you guys after your suspicious tiger fight night stroll infact we shall be calling our supreme leader to meet with you in a moment
james franco
And we are still not getting any naps weird!
randall park
Hi franco I'm the supreme leader of north korea
james franco
What da f*ck?now we have a dude that looks nothing like kim jong? Everything about this movie sucks
randall park
Well I heard I was the only guy they auditioned for this role they said I was a natural
james franco
Even ricki yun would have made a better kim jong than you damn! Alright what's up next?
randall park
Well seeing as this movie has no character development or direction, we shall go do some bonding in a forest whitaker james mcavoy last king of scotland kinda way
narrator
they engage in all kinds of seth rogen movie stuff like riding amoured tanks, making homophobic jokes, making more butt hole jokes and of course doing drugs and f*cking korean chicks
audience
Wow couldn't you guys at least ask around about kim jongs true personality? C'mon this kim is just a frat boy with asian accent its even worse than "the dictator"
narrator
meanwhile seth rather than having his a*ss interrogated by soldiers, he is shown into a secret broadcast room which will be totally controlled by koreans
diana bang
So as you can see our kick-a*ss studio has all the engineers and equipment to make a good show which begs the question, why are you even here with franco? What's your use in this movie?
seth rogen
Because I'm the f*cking writer now apologize to me by praising my work
diana bang
I loooooooove! How clever you americans are with your sexual innuendos I mean miley cyrus camel toe v*gina is totally awesome and not perverted in anyway you americans are so intelligent I love you and I want my country to be like yours
seth rogen
Okay okay a*ss kissing is over time for lunch
james franco
Hey seth
seth rogen
How was randall?
james franco
He was wonderful and so awesome he is coconuts for katy perry
seth rogen
what?! There was a radio in his tank and in your watch didn't cause the radio to make that boom boom sound?!
james franco
Dude its a seth rogen movie not valkyrie stop trying not to make it silly okay as I was saying, we both talked about how disappointed our fathers were with us on their death beds we talked about how everyone thinks we are morons and oh we also scored with korean chicks you know what? I don't think I wanna murder him anymore
seth rogen
F*ck you man of course you are going to kill him he is honey d*cking you,
you see honey dicking is for the guys while honey potting is for the ladies
james franco
How is he honey d*cking me?
seth rogen
He is showing you what you want to see and telling you what you want to hear so you both can make a fake bond
james franco
So he doesn't really need approval from his late father and he doesn't like katty perry songs and he rented those cars
seth rogen
No all those are true everything else (which is nothing) is false
james franco
So how was your day?
seth rogen
Oh it was wonderful I spent it with diana who said I was clever and super talented
james franco
Hmmm you are non of that so I think she was honey potting you
seth rogen
Well she is an ally
james franco
How do you know that?
seth rogen
Because I wrote the script
james franco
Not fair how come your korean friend is good while mine is the bad guy?
Charles Rahi Chun
Hey american dudes that are always arguing in low suspicious tones, you are invited for a dinner party where I shall meet my horrific and unjustified demise which you insensitive f*cks will struggle to make fun of
seth rogen
Unjustified?
Charles Rahi Chun
I mean I'm just following orders like richard nixon and jim crowe's bodyguards and who knows I could even be part of that anti-randall faction

To be continued

seth rogen
(Back at new york)
Franco we can't interview this guy because he is going to be answering his own questions which does not allow for freedom of the press which america is in of by the way
james franco
Wait so you are trying to tell me that oprah or pierce morgan don't rehearse questions with their guests before interviews? Lol! I get it we are trying to sell america in this movie but isn't it a bit much? Anyway we still have to do the interview because of steak and vegetable reference, figure it out on your own
narrator
so james announces his interview with randall park and the whole of america is amused and angry about it
american presenter
James is interviewing a man whose people are starving (ofcourse we americans totally have nothing to do with that), he tortures his people and violates their human rights which we totally don't do in america
seth rogen
America is mad at us piss and moan
james franco
Anus joke number 1 haha because that's all this movie will focus on buttholes and homophobic remarks, anyway (drops ecstacy in seth's mouth) time for an obligatory drug party
narrator
they have a drug party and totally get wasted which is a good idea especially with seth rogen whining about the world taking them seriously,the following day lizzy caplan shows up at the door
seth rogen
Hey we aren't interviewing side kicks in chick flicks anymore now f*ck off
lizzy caplan
No you don't understand I'm not a cameo I'm actually a top CIA agent
seth rogen
O_o really? I guess its not only my stories and acting chops that suck a*ss I guess my cast directing is also terrible anyway come in
james franco
Yea just in time for me to joke about how I probably f*cked a chick with yeast infection and ruin guacamole for everyone
lizzy caplan
So I heard you shall be doing an interview with randall park @ his CGI home and I will like to use this opportunity to assassinate him
Oh gosh! This is so unrealistic so a CIA agent will reveal herself and order the assassination of one of earth's most powerful and the most controversial men to non other than two moronic journalists? But anyway whatever pays the bills
seth rogen
Why are you asking journalists to do your wet work? what happened to your usual ways you know? Sponsor insurgency, cause instability then swoop in to occupy the country and drag their leader before an international bias court which will in turn sentence him to death?
lizzy caplan
Unjustified military occupation is not on the countrys budget this year getting two *diots to kill him is way cheaper, besides there's a faction of his istration that want him gone
seth rogen
I don't think that means they want him dead lizzy
lizzy caplan
So what do you suggest?
seth rogen
How about we turn him into a lama toss in out into town and make him open his eyes to humility
lizzy caplan
We don't have a lama transformation potion
seth rogen
How about we cut off his hair and dump his a*ss in newyork so he can work in a disgusting grocery store among refugees and become humble through that process
lizzy caplan
Jesus what bullsh*t movie was that?
seth rogen
O_o the dictator was an awesome movie which made more money than this crap-fest
Anyway my point is that perhaps what randall park needs is reasoning and not a bullet to the head
james franco
Sure I'll kill him it can't be that hard and it shouldn't take too long long and hard get it? lizzy. seth rogen
Er..... Dude are you seriously getting a b*ner right now?!
james franco
Why are you so desperate to see my p*nis?
seth rogen
When seth runs out of jokes, seth goes deep and dirty now show me your p*nis
james franco
Oh God did you see lizzy? Oh man she's got glasses ,big t*ts and a voice like a sex line operator she's the whole package
seth rogen
Dude you do realize she is honey potting you right?
james franco
Honey pot?
seth rogen
That's a new slang I'm hoping 12 year old kids who just stumbled upon p*rn will be using just like they did with twerking, honey potting is when someone is actually seducing you into doing some dangerous sh*t that can get your a*ss killed
james franco
C'mon this is the 21st century women don't do that anymore
seth rogen
You mean women don't use fashionable glasses and push up bras and sexy voices to seduce men into commitment nowadays? Yea they sure don't do that anymore anyway let's drop in my obligatory m*sturbation joke and call it a day, then we can talk about whether or not we wanna assassinate this guy
narrator
next seth and franco and given a grand invitation to langley into their secret training centre where they shall plot randall parks assassination really? Journalists?
seth rogen
dude! I thought we were going to talk about killing randall or not
james franco
Oh yea we were supposed to have that discussion but hey its a 90minute movie let the audience connect the dots themselves,don't worry it will be like argo only this will have even more un-inspiring lead actors, so how are we gonna kill this mother f*cker
lizzy caplan
You shall be assassinating him by using this ricin strip which you shall apply to your hand and shake hands with the president by 12 hours tops a healthy man will demonstrate signs of diarrhoea, cholera and epilepsy before dying a painful and horrific death
seth rogen
Em I thought poisons were supposed to cause cardiac arrest which is less suspicious if he dies the way you mentioned wouldn't that raise some eye brows especially with how koreans are said to be as paranoid as f*ck?
james franco
Yea that death sounds a bit too unsatisfactory, I bet even the audiences are getting bored, let's do some spoilers to tantalize them a bit, can I kill randall in a rather more graphic way?
lizzy caplan
no
james franco
Can I challenge his soldiers into a full scale gun fire vs girly screams war?
lizzy caplan
No
james franco
Can I be rescued by super badass and invisible navy seals?
lizzy caplan
no
james franco
Can I write a book about it then?
lizzy caplan
Look! You are going to north korea and you shall assassinate the president (of a country whose secret service assassins almost killed a man with a ballistic fountain pen last 2 year) with a 14 year old ricin strip plot device we stole from spy games and season 2 of 24 and that is final
james franco
you are kidding right?!
lizzy caplan
Of course I am you hear that r*pists in the 21st century when women say no they actually mean yes
Now for a test demonstration
(Franco f*cks it up)
One try and you have failed? Perfect you are ready for your mission now proceed to Q-branch where you would receive another 20 year old gadget from action man cartoon series and a bag to hide our obvious poison which koreans will be dumb enough not to find
And oh more spoilers franco randall shall manipulate you and seth you shall fight a tiger have fun!
james franco
This bag is so ugly I shall put the ricin strip in an unsealed pack of gum
seth rogen
F*ck no man carry the ugly bag
james franco
Randall park is a fan which means that he knows I'm fashion conscious that's why I shall not be carrying this bag but instead I shall carry this really ugly non-name brand wrist watch Why don't you carry the ugly bag and hide the poison?
seth rogen
Actually why isn't any CIA handlers coming along with us as technical staff or something? But you know what? Details aren't important. Alright fine keep the f*cking poison in the pack of gum let's hope security doesn't search it along with our intestines and rectums
narrator
they arrive at pyogyang and after james gives another embarrassing and so not funny speech they head for randall parks CGI residence with diana bang
diana bang
James why are you staring outside the window?
james franco
I'm conducting a census of all the hungry people in north korea I heard they have the hungriest people in this country I'm surprised they haven't launched at the car and totally munched the side mirrors
diana bang
Well contrary to what people say about korea no one is actually starving here look at that convenient fat kid placed in front of a supermarket at your side of the window
james franco
Oh one fat kid? That has automatically changed my mind, you guys aren't starving afterall and the fact that the kid is actually doing nothing but waving at the car doesn't make me the list suspicious now unto my next question is it through your president was born without an anus(butthole joke number 2) diana bang
What da f*ck how can a grown a*ss man like you believe such? I mean yea its true, its a god-like trait of his just like I heard michelle obama is the prettiest woman in the world and according to x men jfk was a mutant whose special powers was pulling down buildings with his bizarre looking head
To be continued....

Csami:
O boy! U no go like go honest trailer dem. U don turn anti hollywood o!

sounds like fun I gats think about am

shockwave91:
Ol' boy u don cum again no make kim jun un or wateva his name is & his hackers enta naija o

shei korean hackers fit test our yahoo boys? Abi them no dey fear face?

narrator
North korea dark and grim home of poverty, hostility as well as oppression, home of untested and incompetent leader george w. bush jnrkim jong un and home of the latest inter continental ballistic missile pointing at the united states, they even marked a launch ceremony for it because violence is worth celebrating in korea
little girl
Its a good day for us in north korea God bless north korea, God bless our leader and in an unrelated topic burn america burn, may you people starve and beg for food may you people drown in blood and may your women be r*ped by black people(that's right racist jokes never get old) just like you did to libya amen
(Launches missile)
news reporter
We are dealing with a modern day hitler, in north korea minus the invasion of weak countries or the quest for world domination not even his funky soup strainer I mean if we are comparing this guy to hitler what would we call george bush that invaded two countries on credit , made america even more hated than before and almost wrecked the economy of america and the whole world Anyway..........
james franco
Hi guys you are welcome to another seth rogen movie where we are the same people who just happen to be besties with the same personality and all. So todays role playing will be; I am going to be a bullsh*t and unconvincing big shot show host
seth rogen
While I will be his producer/man servant and room mate?
audience
*rolling eyes* I hope this wouldn't be another movie where you guys
-demonstrate your friendship with really weird pervert-like statements
-get drunk,do drugs and party for no reason
-have a childish fight that tears your friendship apart for 2minutes after which you
-prophesy your love for each other at the face of death?
seth rogen
Hey guys seth rogen movie, of course that sh*t is gonna happen are you kidding?
narrator
welcome to america home of freedom and successful people and so much vibrant culture and colour where eminem can randomly say he is gay without fearing any repercussions like promoters dropping the f*ck out of him or fans boycotting his songs or even getting attacked by homophobic nut cases, because in america everyone is happy
james franco
So eminem you are gay?
eminem on acid
Yep!
james franco
Really?
eminem on acid
Really really
james franco
Just how gay are you?
eminem on acid
Let me put it this way your smile has a better chance of giving me a b*ner than megan fox giving me a lap dance with no clothes on
james franco
So when you said in your song I see nice rectum I just had a vasectomy so hector you won't get pregnant if I bisexually wreck you that meant?
eminem on acid
My career would have been over decades ago if I wrote lame lyrics like that, the f*ck who came up with that sh*t?
narrator
next james throws seth a surprise 1000 episode party where he embarrasses himself by making lame lord Of The Rings references and really weird faces at the same time,
seth bumps into his old buddie from college
old buddie from college
Hi seth
seth rogen
I'm good I have a good job reporting the news just like you
old buddie from college
Really?
seth rogen
What's that supposed to mean?
old buddie from college
My job is better than your job its more serious
seth rogen
No my job is better than yours
old buddie from college
No mine is better
seth rogen
No mine is better
old buddie from college
No mine is............ really? So we are totally gonna act like 3rd graders on a playground? oh seth when would you ever write a good movie? (walks away)
narrator
seth starts pouting like a 2 year old and james spots it a mile away
james franco
Okay why are you acting like someone shoved a d*ck down your throat?
seth rogen
I want our crappy show to compete with 90minutes and I want to be an academy award nominee like you
james franco
Mange mange give us the sh*t give us the sh*t
seth rogen
Dude why are you lifting lines from that awful movie salo?
james franco
I'm just trying to say doing crappy interviews is our niche and it will take a miracle to make you have a real acting career or an academy nomination so let's just give the people what they want
seth rogen
What da? How the f*ck does that relate to a disturbing sight of a dozen n*de teenagers eating peoples sh*t

Never mind, I want us to leave our origin and head unto a field we don't know jack sh*t about let's stop interviewing childish attention seeking entertainers and let's start interviewing liars and propagandist like that dude andrew cooper from CNN does
james franco
Hmmm maybe we can get obama to it that his incredibly large ears are fake and we could get john kerry to chop wood in half with his enormous chin, you know what? Count me in let's get serious, and our first interview will be reclusive leader randall park who is a surprise fan of ours even though he hates everything our show stands for
seth rogen
Ok I shall just head unto the end of china to negotiate an interview
narrator
seth is attacked by rabid north korean soldiers who are high on caffeine because koreans are always hostile and act like cavemen hence the world should fear them
Signed:
America media
diana bang
(Hops out of helicopter)
Hmmmmn so a non-democratic and possibly anti-femminist regime has a lady as a high ranking north korean military officer?

Oh well you know how seth rogen always has to have a love interest in every movie to boost his low self esteem
seth rogen
I also noticed the way you stepped out of the helicopter was the exact same way that danny mcbride stepped out of that truck in this is the end we probably should change it but its a seth rogen movie so f*ck creativity or the ability to tell my movies apart
diana bang
So our supreme leader randall park has arranged for a one hour interview where he will supply the questions you have 24 hours to reply I guess I should have told you this over the phone but we koreans are very st*pid and act like illiterates I'm off

To be continued....

narrator
then daniel and judi stop at some abandoned garage
judi dench
I hope we are not hiding in that crate?
daniel craig
Of course not your car has a tracker on it that can make people find us which is what ben is actually using to set javier's trap............... U know what? Let's just skip to showing my aston martin db5
judi dench
Wait a minute! In casino royale the car was left handed why is it right handed in this movie?
daniel craig
Well that's because this is actually the aston martin from gold finger and thunderball complete with ejector seats and machine guns u knw? The whole package I bet all the bond nerds will eat this sh*t up
judi dench
So this car has been seating here for about 3 months without being oiled or worked on and its still in good condition anyway?
sam mendes
Why don't we play the bond theme perhaps that would stop the nerds from asking questions
narrator
back at MI6 ben is aiding a kidnapper with office computers and hoping no one catches on and oh rory is totally in on it too
rory kinnear
I should be totally sh*tting in my pants right now that my boss who was almost assassinated this afternoon has been kidnapped and I'm aiding that kidnapper
but no I'm just fine I'm even drinking a heinekein
ralph fiennes
What are you doing?
ben whishaw
Check it out rather using cctv cameras to track down javier, we are actually leading him to where daniel and judi went
ralph fiennes
and whose st*pid idea was that?
ben whishaw
Daniel
ralph fiennes
The same dude that caused my slinging arm you are letting him take judi somewhere totally unsafe without backup so........
rory kinnear
She can get killed and you would succeed her
ralph fiennes
Oh I see carry on
narrator
then daniel takes judi to an ancestral home which he has in this movie even though he never came from money in casino royale them think say we don forget
daniel craig
Hey guys look skyfall is the name of my ancestral home just incase anyone gives a flying f*ck
judi dench
They named this movie after a house? How does that work? And since when is james bond scottish?
sam mendes
Well I'm going to the franchise's root the novel
daniel craig
Oh really? So why am I not a racist and a chain smoker like I'm in the novel? And where the f*ck is my scottish accent?
albert finney
(Hops out of the shadows with a shotgun) where's my scottish accent?
daniel craig
And why is the obnoxious dude from harry potter in my house?
sam mendes
He's your games keeper, we wanted to get sean connery but he asked us to gaggle walrus balls so albert finney was the next best thing
daniel craig
So we haven't seen for more than ten years plus you never knew I survived and yet we are just saying hi like we just left each other five minutes ago what are you even doing in this dump? Are you amish or something?
albert finney
Of course not I'm actually selling your sh*t I'm almost done selling all your dad's guns I was about to start auctioning your mom's panties
daniel craig
Damn it just when we chose to need a gun looks like we will have to improvise and set kevin mcalister traps round the house so we can play straw dogs with these suckers
albert finney
I hardly know why you are fighting or who you are fighting or what you even do for a living but count me in
shotgun! Literary
daniel craig
(Shoots two beer cans) hi guys I can shoot again just in case anyone still gives a sh*t
narrator
next daniel and judi wait for hours?days?weeks?months? For javier's attack who knows?

daniel craig
I guess I should give you a gritty talk on how to kill like I did in quantum of solace but instead I'll go into benny hills territory and goof about my obituary(dog barks) alright this is it let's fight like we've never fought before
judi dench
f*ck! That's your plan? You know? I'm beginning to think hiding in that crate with your car in it would have been a good plan
daniel craig
That gives me an idea
bad guys
Yea we are the bad guys and we are totally raiding daniels home that's why we are walking through the front gate so that everyone including the dogs can see us thereby making our raid idea lose its element of surprise, but its cool anyway because apparently the era dumb henchmen is back
narrator
then daniel craig totally sneaks and hides in his car without them noticing even though they were totally facing the house the whole time then daniel opens fire on them
bad guy
holy sh*t that guys car just came to life like that horror movie maximum overdrive but instead of running we shall totally shoot at a car that is obviously bullet proof
narrator
daniel craig hops out of the car with a shot gun and starts killing dudes armed with assault rifles sam I bow for your law of physics
bad guys
Oh its okay there was a guy in the car the whole time Why didn't we even look in the car to be sure no one was in it?(Chops bullet)
albert finney
(Shoots two guys) welcome to scotland land of violent men who are always ready to kill without asking questions, racist joke, get it? (waddles away)
judi dench
(Murders some dude with a killer light bulb) yes! (Tries to shoot the other guy but gets shot by accident) damn it!
albert finney
(Shoots at two guys but misses) oh sh*t have to reload (bullets fall off his shaky hands)oh God I think I just sh*t myself
narrator
before albert gets shot to sh*t daniel charges in and murders the bad guys
daniel craig
Knock knock? whose there? its S-M-Gee I just sh*t my pants get it? Bond humour
judi dench
Jesus you kept me in the most unsafe room and gave me the smallest weapon and now you are sharing jokes with alfred? Are you deliberately trying to kill me?
daniel craig
(Guns down baddie) are you alright?
judi dench
Ship shape(nose grows long like pinnochio)
daniel craig
Okay javier isn't among the 20 dead men I killed all by myself using nothing but my antic car and my dad's 60 year old shot gun which hasn't fallen apart for reasons
May be he has been arrested maybe he was secretly injured and is bleeding out may be he is......... what the good f*ck? where the hell did javier get a military grade helicopter from?c'mon london is the most monitored city in the world how did he escape and how did he even track us didn't we confiscate his computers in macau?
sam mendes
Hey daniel,More dumb sh*t less talking
daniel craig
dumb sh*t like engaging a gunship in a shoot out? You got it(does exactly that)
narrator
javier in his helicopter blasting the beatles(official bond song since live and let die) returns fire and levels part of daniel's home then hops out of the chopper and starts to play 3 little pigs with daniel craig
javier bardem
Daniel open the door and let me in
daniel craig
Or what?
javier bardem
Or I'll huff and puff and throw several incendiary grenades into the house and hope it doesn't hit judi
narrator
then we are treated to 5 minutes of judi and albert waddling around the estate while javier and his minions stroll around the house like its an "open house inspection" and daniel craig playing rambo in the house with fire and smoke, I guess they noticed how bored the fans were so javier blows up daniels car for no reason
daniel craig
Did you just blow up my car? You just brought piss to a sh*t fight you lil
(Causes what looks like a nuclear explosion with two tanks of cooking gas and a stick of dynamite)I'm totally destroying the last memory I have of my parents but its okay because "I've always hated this place" and the reason why I left the priest hole door open is so I can make some dramatic "walk away from explosion kind of scene"
sensible bad guys
That guy just totally hiroshima-ed his house with cooking gas I'm so out of here (disappear)
dumb bad guys
What do we do boss?
javier bardem
Make sure daniel is dead while I follow the trail caused by the flash light that I know is from judi and not some secret tactics team luring me with light
dumb bad guys
Yes sir
javier bardem
Wow that worked! Just how much do I pay these guys?!
narrator
meanwhile daniel who is in the house isn't dead or even injured from the explosion even though it chased him through the tunnel
daniel craig
Phew! Its a good thing the raging fire decided to not give a f*ck about me when I crept into that tiny age
(Hops out of the house and starts running like maniac then kills a guy by breaking his neck with a weird kick)oh looks like there are still bad guys out here I guess I should pick up this guys gun but nah!(steps on a frozen lake) seriously?! A few minutes ago there was a lake close to the house that was totally unfrozen anyway(begins jogging on open ground like that's a good idea, then he is stopped by javier)
javier bardem
okay this is getting exhausting
daniel craig
You mean all the fighting and shooting?
javier bardem
No I'm talking about how they are trying too hard to make me a super-villain so far they've used max zorin,heath ledgers joker and vector from despicable me on my character and yet all it does is just raise questions
daniel craig
Hmmm wow! the one time you have me in the open and no one is shooting
javier bardem
Yep hollywood rules shoot at the bullet proof robot/car but don't shoot the unarmed enemy when he is upclose
daniel craig
(Scrolls through hollywood cliche book) okay so I got the perfect cliche I shall grab your guys gun which will shoot round the ice floor causing us to crash into the lake just like in cliff hanger(does so)
javier bardem
if only I had an incendiary grenade to dump into the lake, well its cold and dark down there plus my man has a gun, daniel is as good as dead I guess
narrator
but luck is against javier as his man drops his gun for no reason,daniel doesn't mind the cold and there's lots of light under the water thanks to roger deakins crappy cinematography any way daniel knees the other dude in the head, snaps his neck using his thigh and totally grab the baddies flare gun which he just so happened to have, next javier bardem bursts into the chapel where judi and albert are hiding
javier bardem
hi mommy!
judi dench
Oh f*ck albert I told you not to use a flash light
albert finney
Sorry what was that
javier bardem
(Shoots a wall beside him) shut up alfred why don't you be a good boy and go wash batman's suit or go whip him up some hot cocoa? Get it? I'm the joker,albert is alfred,judi is the commisioner,daniel is batman, naomi harris is robin and the movie is called skyfall which is just another way to steal the title dark knight and act fancy about it
sam mendes
*rolling eyes* fine I'll thank chris nolan during the premier of this movie so I don't get my a*ss sued for copyright infringement
javier bardem
oh my God you've been shot oh my God oh my God(points gun at her face)
judi dench
Okay why are you looking like you want to take a huge fart on my face?
javier bardem
Because I can't hurt you, you are like a mother to me
judi dench
wow what a loon I can't believe I got shot over a p*ssy like you
javier bardem
Alright time for a fake climax shoot us both I've aligned our heads your finger is on the trigger now do it just pull it
audience
this is supposed to be a climax , I swear this movie has more fake climax than a p*rno movie judi why don't you take your head out of the way and pull the trigger? Or albert this will be the best time to set javiers clothes on fire or stab him with a stick, or judi can even sacrifice herself like she did other agents during her career
judi dench
Ahem! Hello?! Trying to create dilemna here
narrator
daniel shows up and tosses a hunting knife into javiers back
javier bardem
thank God I'm so happy I'm done with this sh*tty movie.......oh I mean ooooooooooooouch! I just took a knife to my back I don't really get why I'm dying since the knife wasn't long enough to reach my heart and if it hit my spinal cord then I won't be standing, anyway erk(dies)
daniel craig
Last rat standing............ you know we should totally get micheal mann to do our dialogue for the next movie. I totally sound like a character from the muppet show in this movie
judi dench
Oh everyone is dead time for a super cliched and convenient death
daniel craig
oh gosh! Judi you are hurt you need a doctor which I have a thing against
judi dench
*rolling eyes* great the one time I'm injured and I'm with a guy who hates hospitals
daniel craig
Who ever thought my senseless plan would end like this? Oh *sob* *sob* this might look gay but hey chicks dig this
judi dench
At least I got one thing right
albert finney
You mean by:
-losing the NOC list
-wrecking the whole of istanbul and leaving your dead agents littered about as evidence of their presence
-not withdrawing the affected agents on time
-reinstating a drunk agent and asg him on one of the most critical missions
Or was it when.............
daniel craig[\b]
*scowls*
[b]judi dench
I was talking about not renewing my contract to extend after this sh*tty movie(dies)
albert finney
Yea my contract is only to this movie see ya later kid
daniel craig[\b]
Dammit!
[b]narrator
next we see daniel overseeing his city from the rooftop as the wind blows his jacket because it lookes cool when batman and dare devil and spiderman and superman did it
naomi harris
Hey you judi's will was read today (hands him a box
daniel craig
Its been one day and her will is already read?(Opens the box) did she just leave me the ugly dog statue from her office? No wonder her bodyguard wanted to assassinate her in the last movie imagine she bought him an ash tray cheap bastard
naomi harris
I guess its her way of giving you a giant f*ck you for ruining her life and ultimately getting her killed
narrator
they heard into the office
daniel craig
So with all of your qualifications you are a Goddamn secretary?! Wow! I guess abraham lincoln wasted his time
abraham lincoln
tell me about it
naomi harris
No I'm actually a character from the past
daniel craig
And why do you keep winking are you dislexic or something?
naomi harris
I'm moneypenny dammit I guess the era of misinforming people and encouraging sexual harrassment in offices is back
daniel craig[\b]
Since when is moneypenny a black lady? Oh God since you said you were assisting ralph. With the transition that makes him
[b]ralph fiennes
The new bernard lee baby
daniel craig
Oh God I've a feeling I'm going to hate the remaining movies I've left
ralph fiennes
So are you ready to get back to work(tosses him a list) pick up my dry cleaning,get my kid from school,go inspect my wife's lady figures and grab some chinese on your way back
daniel craig
is this some kind of joke?
ralph fiennes
What? You think I'm going to put you back on the field? The last time that happened we got breached, I got shot and judi got killed now that's a good joke
End

narrator
daniel goes down a tunnel and chases after javier
ben whishaw
Take the tunnel to the left
daniel craig
Yay! Ben you are back I thought the virus took out all the computers?
ben whishaw
Of course not apparently it's the open door virus EXE everything else is okay. so there's a map on his computer and I'm using it to track him down plus I've alerted the police and they are all over the subway wow that's one of the laziest continuity devices I have ever seen he left a map on his computer on how to get him? Smh
Narrator
javier bardem is walking through the subway in a grey jumpsuit and instead of getting jumped by the police, they hand him a police uniform in a box with a radio bomb because that's how the brits do things meanwhile daniel is almost getting his a*ss run over by a train(TRAIN SCENE 2)
daniel craig
Oh sh*t ben how do I open this hatch?
ben whishaw
Push it
daniel craig
I'm pushing
ben whishaw
Just push it push it push it real good
daniel craig
oh f*ck were you just radio-sexing me does this look like cloud atlas you f*cking fairy?
ben whishaw
who are you calling fairy you giant turd?
daniel craig
I'm not a turd you are the turd
ben whishaw
No you are the turd
daniel craig
no you are
audience
Ahem! Incase you haven't noticed, your little "rocky and bullwinkle" banter is terribly bemusing could you please get on with the snorefest?
daniel craig
oh in that case(shoots the key hole and pops the hatch open) see that? close call weren't you guys thrilled? damn! I can't even sell that
narrator
meanwhile at judi's butt-chopping hearing
butt-chopping lady
So you lost the NOC file and totally got your office blown to sh*t, what do you have to say to that?
judi dench
We have arrested the hacker/cyber terrorist and the NOC file plot has been successfully abandoned
butt-chopping lady
Wow really? I could have stayed at home for this, well this hearing can't be over in 20 seconds so let's talk about top secret information and active secret service units on live tv so we can endanger the lives of even more agents
judi dench
Sure!
narrator
back at the subway TRAIN SCENE 3 is on its way
daniel craig
Hey ben there are lots of people here, could you like use the cctv camera to see if javier bardem is on the train snails pace please
ben whishaw
you got it
daniel craig
Should I get on the train?
ben whishaw
Just a second
daniel craig
Should I get on the train?
ben whishaw
Just a second
daniel craig
SHOULD-I-GET-ON-THE-TRAIN?
ben whishaw
Hold on(train starts to move) okay now you can get on
narrator
daniel totally pulls a daring stunt courtesy of lagos bus conductors(eko o ni baje o) and instead of the train conductor to shoot him in the face, she totally opens the door I'm guessing this is how the london train bomber got in
daniel craig
Hey I can run again (looks at the map on the train)hey ben javier is heading towards the court house don't the police to watch out for him,don't the ministers to leave the room just send rory kinnear a tiny screen message to get judi out of there okay?
ben whishaw
I shall send the smallest message screen I can find, so do you have eyes on javier?
daniel craig
Yep!
ben whishaw
So why aren't you taking him out?
daniel craig
There are civilians around
ben whishaw
Oh but you didn't mind blowing up an embassy filled with civilians in casino royale and didn't mind opening fire in a restaurant in quantum of solace but all of a sudden you give a sh*t about civilians? I think this is just another lazy excuse to extend the plot
narrator
javier hops out of the train then he and daniel totally rip-off grand central climax scene from "carlitos way" complete with the sliding down the escalator stunt of course the real escalators have patterned discs on them that will totally tear javier and daniels nuts apart them think say we no go notice
rory kinnear
Hey judi javier just jumped bail and he is heading towards the courthouse we have to leave
judi dench
What?of course not I've a kick a*ss speech I'm going to give as well as a meaningless poem nobody is going anywhere
rory kinnear
Alright fine I shall totally sit my a*ss down even though my life is in danger
narrator
back at the train station daniel runs past several police men who he could simply stop and inform that hey javier is no longer wearing a jump suit he is now in uniform ben for more details but NO that's not how daniel rolls
daniel craig
Oh a slightly opened door that javier didn't have 2 seconds to close properly I bet he went that way (jumps in)
narrators
daniel spots javier and starts shooting aimlessly at him
javier bardem
Jesus! Four shots and one of them couldn't even take out my hat hehe you are like robocop when his targeting system is f*cked up
daniel craig
Whatever man you are coming with me
javier bardem
And you said I was a lame villain I deliberately got myself captured and escaped for no reason
daniel craig
After which you totally left a map on how to chase you down by the way this plan of yours so you knew I would return to service three months after getting my a*ss capped, I would then analyze your assassin's special bullet so I could intercept him in hongkong,take his casino chip and head to your casino in macau where I would meet berenice who will take me to your island after I've escaped your henchmen and CGI lizards then I would capture you bring you to our underground tunnel you just happened to know we would move into if we got attacked then you will escape captivity just in time to get a police uniform from rogue cops who just happen to be in the midst of other officers then you'll head to the court house to murder judi dench?
javier bardem
well now you say it out loud that was really lousy writing mr logan
daniel craig
Just accept it you suck
javier bardem
Well if I did suck would I be able to create this giant plothole and send a train through it?
daniel craig
Train? plothole?
narrator
javier blows up the ceiling with an explosive he magically fixed and out of nowhere, a train appears and rips the room to sh*t
daniel craig
Oh my God a train crash with hundreds of engers........... wait a minute didn't ben whishaw say this was rush hour? Why is there an empty train during rush hour?
sam mendes
London 2012 is close and a train filled with people would be bad for business
daniel craig
What I don't get is why he didn't just shoot me if he wanted me dead so badly
audience
Or why there are 4 different train scenes in this movie
sam mendes
Oh c'mon don't be mad at me I'm a fan of subway surfers
narrator
back at the butt-chopping hearing
butt chopping lady
oh there's been a train crash a few miles from here but no one was killed so the show must go on, now gimme one reason why we should not just change the way we do bond movies like the last 2 movies did?
judi dench
That's because we don't spy on countries anymore we spy on people
butt chopping lady
Yea perhaps that's why we monitor emails tap people's phone calls and use drone airplanes
judi dench
But what if the enemy has no access to these?
butt chopping lady
That's why we hire private military consults to do our dirty work for us you know Indigenous people who look alike and blend in not some english tuxedo wearing alchoholic r*pist that drives a vintage aston martin car.
judi dench
Whatever now if you don't mind I shall make matters worse by reciting a pointless when a lunatic is on his way to kill us
javier bardem
Now I shall infiltrate the court house by shooting everyone on sight then I shall burst into the courtroom shoot judi and head out good plan javier you are a genius
daniel craig
And I shall run to the court house past a dozen police cars that I can commandeer and I shall not ask Q to radio backup to trap javier in the building instead I shall rely on my poor marksmanship skills and poor sense of execution
narrator
javier bursts into the room shoots a bunch of mudane characters, stares at judi as she sh*ts her pants then shoots ralph fiennes in the shoulder because the story must continue
ralph fiennes
Isn't that guy supposed to be in prison? How the hell is he here in police uniform whacking everyone
judi dench
because daniel craig was watching him his a*ss is so fired
ralph fiennes
Tell me about it
narrator
daniel bursts into the court room
daniel craig
Oh golly no one is dead except the dozen police officers in the court room but who cares for them anyway........
naomi harris

daniel craig
(Kicks a gun to her) holy sh*t why the f*ck did I just do that?(Watches her totally shoot air) oh right she totally doesn't hit a target when she uses a handgun
javier bardem
So daniel what do u think?
daniel craig
In casino royale the bad guy wanted to destroy the largest plane in the world so he could short stocks and enrich the Lords Resistance Army the bad guy in quantum of solace wanted to control the whole south america through monopolizing bolivia's water supply and you just want to kill judi in this elaborate suicide mission?
javier bardem
No you don't get it not only do I want to kill her I also want to disgrace her that's why I stole the list that's why I blew up her office that's why I deliberately got myself captured and that's why I'm........
daniel craig
On a suicide mission? dude if you wanted to disgrace her why stealing the NOC file was a lazy plot but it was okay so next you watch her get disgraced out of the service then kidnap her do some viral video sh*t where she confesses to crimes in front of a camera then chop her head off that's shameful enough and you don't need all these complicated stuff you know?
javier bardem
still calling it a suicide mission huh? I bet you won't be talking such smack if the reverse was the case
daniel craig
O yea?! Well now its on let's do this scene again only this time there would be three of us and more of you, you in?
javier bardem
O yea
daniel craig
Okay I'll give you an out by shooting these fire extinguishers to create a smoke screen okay?
javier bardem
What? I thought you had a problem with your aim
daniel craig
Well not in this scene perhaps in the next one
javier bardem
Okay let it rip
narrator
daniel creates a smoke screen to distract javier because it looked cool when jack bauer did it in 24, so javier gets frustrated, shoots his accomplice for no reason and strolls into his getaway car with no cops at sight
naomi harris
Alright everyone out javier is gone he is definitely not crouching outside the door and waiting for us to come out to clip us each I'm positive even though I've not checked
narrator
judi is escourted to her car(which surprisingly was not rigged to explode in the first place) with no bodyguards of course just her bald man servant rory kinnear and daniel zooms off with her because humor
judi dench
Hey daniel I thought bond always go AWOL with the girl after the bad guy dies?
daniel craig
Aren't all the girls always pretty? Yuk! I'm not whisking you away b*tch I'm taking you to my haunted cottage in scotland tohave you killed protect you from javier hey ben can you make us disappear in an implausible way that the bristish secret service can't find us but only javier can
ben whishaw
And risk losing my job and going to prison
daniel craig
You'll get to experience prison r*pe
ben whishaw
o yea I'm in one implausible plot coming up
To be continued.....

suwailad:


gawsh what an evil movie. please dont see this if you dont have heart

More like if you don't have the stomach there was a full 20minutes dedicated to different disgusting stories of people eating sh*t and a little girl peeing
on some pervs face,
Then there's the n*ked kids parading the castle and the constant r*pe scenes
Good thing the voyeurism scene was brief cause I was so close to losing my mind

since when do elephants live up to 80 years?