NewStats: 3,259,470 , 8,170,224 topics. Date: Sunday, 25 May 2025 at 07:56 AM 591o6b

Guys I genuinely need some advice
Because of the state of my mental health I have decided never to get married or have kids, I suffer from intense depression and anxiety and other mental health problems. I'm unsure of my own future talk more of a child.
I do love being in relationships but I do that only for companionship and sex.
I don't know if I will regret my decision. The guys I have dated have been cool with my no marriage proposal but I don't think any Nigerian man will not want kids.
I'm thinking of moving to another country, buy a house, take care of my community and neighbors then when I'm old, I will move to a retirement home.
If I change my mind I can adopt a child, am not against adoption as I am with marriage, it depends on if my mental health improves

The problem I have is that will I be lonely without a child, like I said I'm not into marriage despite being a woman trained in traditional home, it's not that I hate it or anything, it's not just for me. I will be unhappy being married.
But the child thing is bothering me, I always wanted a child, but i don't want my mental health to prevent me from loving and caring for the child.
Please advise

I believe you have a clear idea of what you are struggling with, in of mental health and if you are convinced getting married and going the whole yard of having children would aggravate it....the decision not to get married is not out of place.

Poswahala:
Guys I genuinely need some advice
Because of the state of my mental health I have decided never to get married or have kids, I suffer from intense depression and anxiety and other mental health problems. I'm unsure of my own future talk more of a child.
I do love being in relationships but I do that only for companionship and sex.
I don't know if I will regret my decision. The guys I have dated have been cool with my no marriage proposal but I don't think any Nigerian man will not want kids.

You are making here a wise decision for yourself and you will not regret your decision, ever!

..

I think you have yourself figured out well...better than a lot of us out there. Be well my sister, you will be fine. As for having children, there is nothing wrong with not wanting them now or ever. Besides, there are several options available should you decide to have them later. Take care of yourself first.


As for marriage....hmmmm....your current style is good enough ...date and love on your . I wish you good luck.

I wish you the best dear.

Kobojunkie:
You are making here a wise decision for yourself and you will not regret your decision, ever!

JovialJune:

Do you have something against my response?

Kobojunkie:
Do you have something against my response?

Are there quality retirement homes in Nigeria?

I'm shocked

You are allowed to live
your life on your own .

It is your choice.
Do your thing.

Poswahala:
The guys I have dated have been cool with my no marriage proposal but I don't think any Nigerian man will not want kids

I'm thinking of moving to another country, buy a house, take care of my community and neighbors then when I'm old, I will move to a retirement home.

The problem I have is that will I be lonely without a child, like I said I'm not into marriage despite being a woman trained in traditional home, it's not that I hate it or anything, it's not just for me. I will be unhappy being married.
But the child thing is bothering me, I always wanted a child, but i don't want my mental health to prevent me from loving and caring for the child.
Please advise

There are Nigerian men who do not want kids as a matter of choice and not because their peepees are dysfunctional. I have come across two men on this forum who said so themselves in their posts. Offline I know three married couples in Lagos who have decided to not have children, as a matter of choice. They may be rare and in the minority, but know that there are Naija men who do not want kids.

At the 2nd bolded, you don't have children for the sake of solving a loneliness problem. Children will grow up and leave the nest one day, then what? With the issues you outlined I think you will be better off being married for the sex and companionship, than you will be with a child.

The responsibility of one child alone requires intensive care from infancy to toddler age and beyond. You already suffer from depression the work involved may worsen your condition, because child care takes a toll and even women who don't have your kind of issues have struggled with postpartum depression.

In marriage, if you are fortunate to marry a good and sensible man, it will be like two adults taking care of each other. The care involved in this case won't be as intensive as the care involved with a child. You can afford to take a break on your mental health days or slack off and hubby will pick up the slack and still look after you. You can't really afford to drop too many balls or slack off with an infant or young child.

I think the real challenge for you, will be stigmatization for your mental health issues from some men and their families when it comes to marriage, it won't necessarily be about having or not having children. What I mean is that, you may meet a man who doesn't want kids but an awareness of your mental health issues may cause him to pause. But pls clearly think about why you want to or should have a child, your reason shouldn't be mainly about curing loneliness.

Poswahala:
Guys I genuinely need some advice
Because of the state of my mental health I have decided never to get married or have kids, I suffer from intense depression and anxiety and other mental health problems.

Is this treatable? Is there a cure for this condition?

It's not just about kids and marriage but relationships with other people. Work, family, community.

Carcholce:
it yourself into a mental home. Take care of the problem.

A lot of Nigerian women have mental problem but they call it “mood swings”

If you feel better and still decide not to marry and bear kids, it’s cool.

Any opportunity to bash women, you guys don't waste it.

Mood swings are very normal with women because of hormonal changes in the body esp. during menstruation, pregnancy and menopause among other factors. Do men experience all these, the answer is 'NO'.

If health issues will prevent you from getting married and having/ adequately caring for children, then go for it. Marriage is not for everyone. As long as you are making the best decision for yourself, that’s fine. Also make sure you let all your future partners know you are not interested in marriage. So you don’t waste their time.

I am sure you will find a man ok with a partnership. It’s a brave decision and I think you have made the most unselfish one. Try to take care of yourself and take your medication often, so that you are in a good frame of mind to take care of yourself always! All the best!

Poswahala:
Guys I genuinely need some advice
Because of the state of my mental health I have decided never to get married or have kids, I suffer from intense depression and anxiety and other mental health problems. I'm unsure of my own future talk more of a child.

Please advise

this is the problem. Advise, fix your mental health first.

NeuroDivergent:


Hey Poswahala,

Let me first off apologise on behalf of the several ignorant responses you've gotten, some of which came from uncultured & ill-mannered people who have a predilection to project their miserable lives on others for no clear reason other than trying to infect others with the same bitterness eating them up.


These things aren't entirely out of place when you discuss personal issues on a forum where you have people with limited exposure trying to take the lead prize of the most caustic responses.


Anyway, it's not their sorrows I've come to dissect, but I plead that you pay no mind to them & uproot whatever bitter seed they've sown in your mind.


It's actually amazing that as a lady, you kind of know what you want and you're just on here trying to seek guidance & clarify your decisions.


Whether you go ahead with your decisions or get convinced along the line to do otherwise, the first thing to have in mind is that there are NO GUARANTEES.


You can make a decision of birthing a child and realize your child changes your world for the very best and attenuates the effects of your depressive symptoms.
Everyday, you see your child growing up to be a beautiful person, who loves you back and then takes care of you in old age.


It's also possible that during/after birth (or even pregnancy), the child suffers one or two complications that mars their lives forever — Subtly (learning disabilities, ASD, ADHD, Bipolar etc.) or Overtly (Cerebral Palsy, Hydrocephalus, Down Syndrome etc.).

Or possibly even inherits your depressive gene and has to battle a life of disorder(s) despite the harsh realities of the world, making them a little more unfit than everyone else to survive & thrive.


What this will mean as a mother is that she has to cope now not only with personal, emotional & medical struggles, she also now has to cope with tending to a child she never wished to turn out the way they turned out.
Grooming infants usually require conscientiousness, but with these type of kids, she has to go extra miles...still with No Guarantees that they'll turn out fine.


What about the Shame & Stigma?
Even if her heart is iron-clad against such bullshit from ignorant people, will her child be immune too?


They grow up knowing they're fundamentally different and these are the things that form up their self confidence & self-perception into adulthood.


What if post-partum depression compounds your existing experience?


Even if the child turns out well, you always have to go a mile to ensure they don't suffer NEGLECT in any form or way and they're fully Understood, you have to make them know they can absolutely Confide In You and they should in no way Feel Awkward amongst their peers in a way to build up Insecurities.


One thing most people aren't well aware of is that, Humans are the toughest and most fragile beings to breed.
Our superior Consciousness is a CURSE.
A single action or inaction can overwrite/influence all of the efforts put into a child's upbringing.

(What all of these mean is that, you can do everything perfectly right and things can actually still go wrong... On no fault of your own.
...I'm no doom prophet, I'm just being realistic).


Going with your preset mindset too doesn't mean you're totally rid of problems or it wouldn't be your best decision.


As people have mentioned, there are times you'll be utterly lonely which may worsen your symptoms.

Friends may get married and have to deal with their responsibilities and you can't always club every night or have a slew of one night stands, it'd worsen things.


Connection regardless of our personalities or how we try to paint it is very crucial.


Luckily there are men who share your type of perspective.
If you're lucky to find a good one, agree on being Partners...
...if you're terribly scared of commitment and the possibility of not being able to live up to your wifely duties as a result of your health.


Adopting a child isn't also a perfect fool-proof decision as you'll have to deal with some usual child-grooming challenges and the possibility of the child eventually turning out fine as an adult.

But there's likely to be a feeling of fulfilment in saving a child from gloomy uncertainties (which the child may be grateful for when they become of age) instead of overpopulating the world on the premise of having your own seed/preserving your lineage (...in an already collapsing world).


Birthing or adopting children DOESN'T GUARANTEE you'll have someone tending to you in old age...

the child could get busy...
live in unfavourable conditions that may not give them the chance to...
live unpleasant lives that a parent wouldn't even be proud of...
hate their parent & have nothing to do with them...
or most devastatingly, die young
(a parent can't... & shouldn't totally rule out the possibilities of any of these happening).


Life is sadly the biggest paradox & there are (as I've said) NO GUARANTEES.


Whatever decisions you make, you have to own up & boldy live with the consequences.

That's why I'm helping you out with these perspectives.

What really matters is knowing yourself deeper & knowing the kind of consequences you can bear to live with.

{What's your personality...?
Are you an introvert/ambivert/extrovert?
Are you stoic or emotional?
Do you easily get burdened with things?
What are your sensitivities?
Do you have erratic commitments to things?
Are you naturally empathetic?
Have you ever helped take care of kids before? What was your perception?
What are your coping mechanisms when things get unbearable?
Ask yourself all the questions necessary to}.

Look out for the things that can make you regret whatever decision you're taking now in the next 15-40 years.

Map out strategies you can use to cope with the inconveniences that may crop up as a consequence of your decisions.


In all of these, always factor in the limitations of your health conditions.

You sound very financially independent, so it may be a little easier to coast through some of the consequences (NB : If you're going to be childfree, please don't be in Africa, except general perspectives changes).

Have you considered treatment for your health problems? Therapy? Psychoanalytic assessments? Prescriptions?

Are you aware that mental illnesses are chronic? they can only be managed but can not be cured?


So even though you get off an episode for a long time, it doesn't mean it can't/wouldn't pop later.

Are you aversed to pets?
If you're not, I strongly recommend you should get one to better know if you'll cope with having kids
(NB : One that aligns with who you're & is highly likely to be therapeutic).

You just may end up breeding pets for a lifetime if they're able to limit the effects of your symptoms.


PS : I'm just like you & these are the guides I use to make these kinda decisions.


Wish you good luck on your decisions.



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[quote author=NeuroDivergent post=112979064][/quote]
Wow, i think this is the longest post i've seen on Nland

Shidda:

this is the problem. Advise, fix your mental health first.

Fix it how?

kaboninc:
Is this treatable? Is there a cure for this condition?

It's not just about kids and marriage but relationships with other people. Work, family, community.

Cure for Mental illness? The answer is No, there is no cure, just treatment with many having to be on treatment most all of their lives.

Kobojunkie:
Fix it how?

Well, first and foremost an accurate diagnosis. Depression is mostly caused by attachment to past failure/embarassments and reliving the incident over again in the mind. Ii might cause her to think badly of herself, which in turn will not look forward to or even fear the future, which is anxiety.
A good start to treating mental illnesses is having a strong self-awareness, but people usually underestimate their capabilities and fear the difficulties of tasks or worries what others think.
What does it have to do with fixing the problem? like i said accurate diagnosis, something from her past has affected her badly, and like many people, she's become like what i'll call pavlo's dogs, conditioned to accept failure/negative criticism then defining herself by it.
Life as they say is full of ups and downs, when hit with the bad, some people get back up, but sadly, many stay down, and that seems to be what she's doing.

Shidda:
What does it have to do with fixing the problem? like i said accurate diagnosis, something from her past has affected her badly, and like many people, she's become like what i'll call pavlo's dogs, conditioned to accept failure/negative criticism then defining herself by it.
Life as they say is full of ups and downs, when hit with the bad, some people get back up, but sadly, many stay down, and that seems to be what she's doing.

Are you somehow insinuating that depression patients are somehow to blame for their predicament in some way?,

Shidda:

Wow, i think this is the longest post i've seen on Nland

I sincerely don't know how I got about that honestly

Hyperfocus must've got me in high drive

Rethinking it now, I'm like...over a thousand words just for a response?

Lol.

Shidda:

Well, first and foremost an accurate diagnosis. Depression is mostly caused by attachment to past failure/embarassments and reliving the incident over again in the mind. Ii might cause her to think badly of herself, which in turn will not look forward to or even fear the future, which is anxiety.
A good start to treating mental illnesses is having a strong self-awareness, but people usually underestimate their capabilities and fear the difficulties of tasks or worries what others think.
What does it have to do with fixing the problem? like i said accurate diagnosis, something from her past has affected her badly, and like many people, she's become like what i'll call pavlo's dogs, conditioned to accept failure/negative criticism then defining herself by it.
Life as they say is full of ups and downs, when hit with the bad, some people get back up, but sadly, many stay down, and that seems to be what she's doing.

Real depression really doesn't take this form all the time.

It'll be best she seeks proper help (diagnosis/care/treatment from the right professionals)

But just to give some perspectives

Depression can at times be natural as a result of chemical imbalances in the brain

This means, there really may be no external reason (finances, love life, failure etc.) and one can still battle depression

It's a mental illness and its just neurology happening, not necessarily life circumstances


There's a difference between being despondent & battling depression


Personally I've battled depression & despondence & I'll explain how funny & contrasting it can get


When I suffered depression back then for a couple of years, life was super hell no doubts.
I flunked entirely everything that I'd been building and had been going well.
I got so frail & thin I thought I'd die naturally.
It was crazy enough that I couldn't write sentences properly without misspellings or grammatical errors

Interestingly, despite all of these, I was a happy person, because that was my inherent nature and though I was downcast I still really had high spirits & high hopes... Didn't tolerate suicidal thoughts


On the flipside

I've had to be despondent as a result of life circumstances (after my depressive experience). It weighed so much that it crushed my hopes & joy, and I tolerated suicidal thoughts a lot, but just didn't think towards attempting.


Depression is clinical, Despondence (which people easily refer to as 'being depressed') is circumstantial

This doesn't mean Despondence can't turn to clinical depression, but depression is possible without despondence


There's really a lot thar needs to be done on mental health awareness honestly

Red killers have become decent,matured and sane.no more female bashing.im surprised

I like this transformation where there's still courtesy and decorum in NL.no more gbas gbos

Jesus is Lord

Anything that makes you happy should be your priority. If this makes you feel good, good for you!

Different strokes for different folks.

How many times will this hit FP? Who cares if you get married or sleep with a dog?

Plz don’t marry any man… it’s best u stay alive and enjoy life.

Poswahala:
Guys I genuinely need some advice
Because of the state of my mental health I have decided never to get married or have kids, I suffer from intense depression and anxiety and other mental health problems. I'm unsure of my own future talk more of a child.
I do love being in relationships but I do that only for companionship and sex.
I don't know if I will regret my decision. The guys I have dated have been cool with my no marriage proposal but I don't think any Nigerian man will not want kids.
I'm thinking of moving to another country, buy a house, take care of my community and neighbors then when I'm old, I will move to a retirement home.
If I change my mind I can adopt a child, am not against adoption as I am with marriage, it depends on if my mental health improves

The problem I have is that will I be lonely without a child, like I said I'm not into marriage despite being a woman trained in traditional home, it's not that I hate it or anything, it's not just for me. I will be unhappy being married.
But the child thing is bothering me, I always wanted a child, but i don't want my mental health to prevent me from loving and caring for the child.
Please advise

Your choice

You should focus on how to heal your mental health issue and regain your self confidence back if you real have one before ,
before talking about marriage or kids .

Moreover.... marriage is a scam