NewStats: 3,259,398 , 8,170,001 topics. Date: Saturday, 24 May 2025 at 09:06 PM 5cn48

Vyolet:
I'm beginning to think this institution called marriage has something to do with luck, it's a black market, you never know what you will get once you go into it.

OP, the Lord is your strength.

Its not luck. Nigerians need to stop marrying strangers. The key to marriage is marrying someone you like, so that days when love is not felt, at least you still like the person and will not hurt him/her.

OP thinks that visiting someone twice a year is equal to courtship

If there is no child there is enough time to walk away. When baby girl cannot sustain a business yet has liver to transfer money that is not hers to another man ........................................

Vyolet:

OP was patient, his wife was willing to work and walk with him until she achieved her aim(marriage to the guy) and boom, story changed. This is where Luck comes in.

Hmmm.....good twist. However, someone reminded OP that all they had was 6 meetings and not necessarily a date. OP might have been confessing all his plans because he usually had great sex during these times and she was rolling with it. Do we still consider him as patient?

Shokoloko:

Its not luck. Nigerians need to stop marrying strangers. The key to marriage is marrying someone you like, so that days when love is not felt, at least you still like the person and will not hurt him/her.

OP thinks that visiting someone twice a year is equal to courtship

If there is no child there is enough time to walk away. When baby girl cannot sustain a business yet has liver to transfer money that is not hers to another man ........................................

@bold , if true is the saddest part of the story.

GboyegaD:


Hmmm.....good twist. However, someone reminded OP that all they had was 6 meetings and not necessarily a date. OP might have been confessing all his plans because he usually had great sex during these times and she was rolling with it. Do we still consider him as patient?

This distance thing in courtship is kinda personal to me, reason I don't see it as an excuse for bad marriage.
I mean who will be bad will be regardless of how long they spent in courtship or how often they see each other.
The most important is for couples to do background check on each other before going into marriage, that's the practice in my place.

Hmmmm...I read that smart people find it hard to settle because they are very good at spotting the hidden. How you take did am biko? Even across the ocean people dey spot fraud jare. It is well o.

Amb1045:
plan yourself and get a second wife along the line. women always feel comfortable when they're married with a man that's doing well. try and get a comforter and avoid the mental stress from her. hide your money from her don't initiate business plan with rather be using her to cure konji until you're ready to get a second wife by then her eyes go close

She put on a façade to fit into the "wife material" appearance and the man fell for it like most men do despite all the noise they make about being smarter and more "logical". Logical my foot.

He doesn't need a second wife. Bringing another woman into the mix may turn out to be double trouble. He just needs to end this charade of a marriage with his current wife and get a new wife if he so wishes.

That's what civilized people do.

Vyolet:
I'm beginning to think this institution called marriage has something to do with luck, it's a black market, you never know what you will get once you go into it.

OP, the Lord is your strength.

Don't tell.me you are just realizing that now.
My sister, until you are married and have sent some year with your spouse, don't count yourself lucky yet.

You see a single babe/guy looking heathy and happy then once they marry, instead of looking better as marriage they say is a good thing,they start fading away like the Sun and nightfall or the moon at daybreak.
Some people are lucky sha. May we be among the lucky ones.

God, instead of me marrying someone that I can't be happy with, Let me remain single.
Na real black market

Stop giving heroney to keep for you.
Seat her down and give her timeline for her to start doing something. If na salary work she want do, let her go into he streets and look for the job herself so that she will know it's not easy..the .maybe she will appreciate your efforts to open a business for her.
She has to explain to who why she would send her x money that you have her to keep.
For God's sake she's not working.

@Delpeiro:

You saw your wife six times, slept with her six times in three years and think you know her ambition or ascertain her sex drive? (This is why I think having sex for compatibility before marriage is bull*shit).

Assume you did not know her and start to learn about her afresh.

Have candid discussions on what she wants, what you want and compromise.

For instance, if she doesn't like kids/ work and you do, learn to do it without her input. If she is not a good financial manager, stop giving her funds and give her money on a need basis etc. Stop funding her wants or excesses; you

However, under no circumstance should you lose your purpose and drive because of her. You might be slower without her , however, learn to be self-motivated.

You would be able to teach others how to 'choose' or 'not to choose.'

MISSCONGENIALITY:
Don't tell.me you are just realizing that now.
My sister, until you are married and have sent some year with your spouse, don't count yourself lucky yet.

You see a single babe/guy looking heathy and happy then once they marry, instead of looking better as marriage they say is a good thing,they start fading away like the Sun and nightfall or the moon at daybreak.
Some people are lucky sha. May we be among the lucky ones.

God, instead of me marrying someone that I can't be happy with, Let me remain single.
Na real black market

@bold:

Wrong mentality.

Marriage is not black market.

bukatyne:
@Delpeiro:

You saw your wife six times, slept with her six times in three years and think you know her ambition or ascertain her sex drive? (This is why I think having sex for compatibility before marriage is bull*shit).

Assume you did not know her and start to learn about her afresh.

Have candid discussions on what she wants, what you want and compromise.

For instance, if she doesn't like kids/ work and you do, learn to do it without her input. If she is not a good financial manager, stop giving her funds and give her money on a need basis etc. Stop funding her wants or excesses; you

However, under no circumstance should you lose your purpose and drive because of her. You might be slower without her , however, learn to be self-motivated.

You would be able to teach others how to 'choose' or 'not to choose.'

Thanks,
I appreciate.
But the problem is she don't want third party.
How should I go about it ? I feel starting up a business and handing it over to a total stranger is a bad idea and likewise me reg to manage it myself .
Meanwhile "twice visit in a year" is maximum, sometimes it is just once. But she do spent min 2weeks and max 1month so I don't sleep with her just 6times

bukatyne:


@bold:

Wrong mentality.

Marriage is not black market.

it's what?

bukatyne:
@Delpeiro:

You saw your wife six times, slept with her six times in three years and think you know her ambition or ascertain her sex drive? (This is why I think having sex for compatibility before marriage is bull*shit).

How is it bullshit?
Does this even qualify for sex for compatibility before marriage?

6 times in 3 years is like twice a year, or once every 6 months, that isn't sex for compatibility. As a matter of fact, any lady that is sexually driven would have broken up the relationship due to no sex and sexual starvation, except for those that are virgins, who haven't activated their sex drive yet.

A quality sex for compatibility is twice every week or more.

You people should let those who want to have sex, have it in peace biko!

MISSCONGENIALITY:
Don't tell.me you are just realizing that now.
My sister, until you are married and have sent some year with your spouse, don't count yourself lucky yet.

You see a single babe/guy looking heathy and happy then once they marry, instead of looking better as marriage they say is a good thing,they start fading away like the Sun and nightfall or the moon at daybreak.
Some people are lucky sha. May we be among the lucky ones.

God, instead of me marrying someone that I can't be happy with, Let me remain single.
Na real black market

I swear, I agree with you. In fact, my best friend lived with his girlfriend for 3 years before they got married. Every crazy behavior has already been seen, no surprises. I stopped listening to all these rubbish motivational speakers about relationships like 2 years ago that you shouldn't live with a woman you aren't married to.

This thing is luck, all those rules and regulations that they dish out should be discarded. Do what works best for you & don't be a baby daddy or baby mama while you are at it.

Simple as ABC.

Shokoloko:


OP thinks that visiting someone twice a year is equal to courtship

Let's see,

If I understand you clearly, you've been married for 18months now.. You "dated" her 3yrs prior and met with her in person half a dozen times in all of that 3yrs(scratch that, I see you've clarified that it wasn't just 6times).. Aii, she gave you these vibes that she's quite industrious(1), charitable(2) & se.xually adventurous(3) and now you both are married, it appears that her mask came off.. I'd say 1&3, add that to her lack of financial discipline are actually the main issues here..

About her constant communication with the other guy, I cannot understand why she'll still be in with her ex (or ex friend, whatever), fgs he's even married and she is too.. Maybe, let's just say maybe there's nothing serious going on between them, she has sent him money(which you give her for upkeep ofcourse) twice already.. I dunno why she did that, perhaps a harmless help but to what end really?

What you can do is to have a sit-down discussion with her, tell her you genuinely want your marriage to work but you seem to be at loss at what she really wants.. What are her future plans going forward? Tell her yours, how you intend to go about financial stability, how it'd be nice if you both can put heads together & pull resources together as well to build a happy home and beautiful future for your unborn children.. Tell her that it's totally unacceptable for her to always give ridiculous reasons wrt her reckless spending habits, even that has to stop cos if she continues that way, how are you both going to save up to fund important projects, how are you both going to even survive considering you're the only one footing the bills presently.. I meann if she can't work or rather doesn't want to, she says no to starting up a business venture, then it's only right for her to make good use of the money you keep in her care.. She should do that, encourage & you in every possible way and not constantly *bumping* an ex whatever *rolling my eyes*lol

About her not being charitable, not everybody is really but I can understand why you're not taking it too well, she made you think she was.. Now, you don't need her permission whatsoever, you may seek her advice as your partner if you wish.. Be it what it may, that shouldn't deter you in any way.. Follow your instincts, do your due diligence yourself, if it seems just about right, then you may go ahead with it

Lastly, about the s.ex issue.. You can bring up the topic when you both are having that sit-down discussion. Good luck!

truthsayer009:


I swear, I agree with you. In fact, my best friend lived with his girlfriend for 3 years before they got married. Every crazy behavior has already been seen, no surprises. I stopped listening to all these rubbish motivational speakers about relationships like 2 years ago that you shouldn't live with a woman you aren't married to.

This thing is luck, all those rules and regulations that they dish out should be discarded. Do what works best for you & don't be a baby daddy or baby mama while you are at it.

Simple as ABC.

Simple. Cos what works for your brother of sister might not work for you. And what works for your neighbor of friend might not work for you.
Marriage ma luck.

You've your evidence staring at you and you still want to lay low?

If a woman start to commit financially to a relationship involving the opposite sex, even if it is platonic it's only a matter of time before the guy starts entering the promised land.

Seems you're too soft for your own good, better man up and let her know how you feel before you die in silence

Delpeiro:
I know it might seem too early to start nursing this feeling but each day the signs keep coming.

I dated my wife for like 3 years before we marry. All this time she base in another city with her family while I based in another city but she do visits like twice each year.
While we were dating there is so many things that I saw in her or will I say she made me saw her that am not seeing again.

One, am this guy that love to help. Like am this type that have this dreams of helping the whole world(women and kids) if it is possible. While we are dating she made me see her like like mind , she share her dreams two of running NGOs for women and children, adopt and train orphans e.t.c. but to my greatest surprise now she is very very opposite. Most annoying is her dislike for kids coming close.
We share dreams of having large house with families always around but now she kick against every idea of anybody coming around, her family included.

Two, She made me see her like this ambitious and industrious lady, running couple of businesses then.
I having a fight with her because I said she will finish giving birth before talking about business or work when we marry. To make greatest surprise now that we are finally married she don't have this push nor the zeal to do anything, infact she kills every move to started up something for her.
In less than 18months of our marriage I have started two businesses for her she run it down .
Infact the first one never even start, I gave
her money to go buy her machines, she dn't buy them and money I didn't see.
Her excuse was that she is not interested in what she was doing before that she want to go into business.
Late last year I started for her another business myself, order the goods myself. That business did not see 31 Dec .
Is so painful because I planned of starting couple of businesses with her help and care in 2 or 3 years so that I can resign my work and come back home fully (My work take me away for most part of the year) , but it seems I dnt watch before jumping.
Right now am in the middle of the road not knowing what to do.
I don't know if this is sign of laziness/her style , fear of failing or just that she needs time.

Three, Sex life . She is totally a diffrent person now, like it is just too boring to make love to her now unlike before.
I have discussed it with her to know what changed she said nothing . Though she seems happy in and out because I make sure I treat her like a queen even though am just trying to survive
It doesn't look like she is lacking anything or not happy with the marriage
Less than 18 months into the marriage making love to her is just for purpose of procreation.

Last but not the least her money management is scaring.
You give her money to keep next time you ask about the money she can't give of the money nor point what she did with it.
I don't know what to think , though I trust her very much.
But my confusion now is I came across two transfers she made to this particular guy in just Feb while trying to use her phone.
I check her call log and notice that she is in constant communication with this guy. I check out the number on my whatapp and Facebook.
It happens that this guy, which she saved with one funny name in her phone, is a guy I knw his name becus it always come up . Infact in one of her visits while we are dating one day she spent close to 1hour plus with this guy on phone with me right there, I confronted her she told me that the guy is her ex friend but her good friend and colleague and that he is married with kids.
I don't know if it is a good idea to confront her again with the alert and constant communications with this guy or lay low, play along and monitor things.

Go hire Robert d niro and Joe pesci to pay d guy a visit,trust me d guy no go near ur wife again

Amb1045:
plan yourself and get a second wife along the line. women always feel comfortable when they're married with a man that's doing well. try and get a comforter and avoid the mental stress from her. hide your money from her don't initiate business plan with rather be using her to cure konji until you're ready to get a second wife by then her eyes go close

Take this advise if you want to destroy your destiny. You said you are just surviving and this one is talking about a 2nd wife