NewStats: 3,262,762 , 8,178,078 topics. Date: Tuesday, 03 June 2025 at 01:40 PM 1a6118

Onegai:
Dear busariabeyx24, Now that you've gotten pages and pages chockful of horrendous advice that will leave you lonely and regretful at 65 (trust me on this, go through my posts, I have a lot of elder male relatives in my family and I want my sons to NEVER make their mistakes)....
Can we talk?
You've described really sad marital problems. Notice I said "sad". Not "bad". Sad. Why? Because everything you've typed is absolutely fixable. And in 6 months' time, if you follow exactly what I say, you'll come back and delete this thread. Shall we start?

You shouldn't say that at all until after you have heard the woman's side of things. From the OP's report, it is clear that the woman has her own bag of complaints against him and is probably fed up and ready to see an end to it. I think it is a tad rude for you to assume, without first consulting her, that the same woman would magically love to fix things with this same man.

My best advice is that both should proceed to professional marriage counselling at this point in time to figure out, as a couple, whether they should continue on or just call it quits. Either way, individual happiness should be the goal for both of them since they both seem to be lacking just that at this point in the marriage.

My dear kobojunkie

The only people who sing the song of "Individual Happiness" and "Let Them Call It Quits" are people who have never been married.

Because both are so bad for you, you may as well die.

Over 50% of divorced couples regret it. And I'm speaking from experience, the number is higher. Divorce feels like death. It hurts so much and is so destructive, that halfway through it a lot of men think daily of suicide and women pray to die. But they put on a brave face. I am speaking from experience.

And Marital counselling doesn't work because most times, couples use it to air their greviances to a 3rd party rather than fix things.

Which is why I came up with my method. And it's not my method, it's a trusted method from plenty sources.

Busariabeyx24

Alrighty! Let's fix your marriage!!

Step 1: you've identified the issues. That's great news.

Step 2: you've told me your own issues. So now I know precisely what's wrong with you.

Wait, what...you're probably wondering when you did Step 2. Huh?

Well, you did Step 2 with Step 1.

You complained about all your wife's issues like you had none. Which is 99% very common.

But what most people don't realise is that in complaining about others, you're actually really telling on yourself. Especially in Marriage.

When my husband wrote a fulscap binder full of all the things I did wrong, I wanted to slap him into the nearest dystopian future. Because everything he wrote, is precisely what I was going to say about him.

Then I read something that said:

Marriage is a mirror to 2 people, you will see all the things you need to work on in your partner's eyes

Shi.t!

But they're right.

If you're not being a great husband, she's not going to be a great wife. Period.

It's even biblical. Husbands, love your wives, Wives obey your husbands. Let 2 become 1, you are t heirs in the grace of life. Etc several bible verses.

You and your wife are equal. You just have different roles.

And if you're not fulfilling your role, neither will she.

So if you want your marriage to be fixed, you need to fix yourself. Because the only person in this world you can control is you. And your actions and thoughts determine how your wife will be.

She's the weaker vessel. If your car is faulty, you don't throw it away, you pop the bonnet open and fix it. You don't blame it for spoiling because you drove it badly and it got spoilt. You fix it.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Onegai:
➜My dear kobojunkie. The only people who sing the song of "Individual Happiness" and "Let Them Call It Quits" are people who have never been married.
➜ Because both are so bad for you, you may as well die.
➜ Over 50% of divorced couples regret it. And I'm speaking from experience, the number is higher. Divorce feels like death. It hurts so much and is so destructive, that halfway through it a lot of men think daily of suicide and women pray to die. But they put on a brave face. I am speaking from experience.
➜ And Marital counselling doesn't work because most times, couples use it to air their greviances to a 3rd party rather than fix things.
➜ Which is why I came up with my method. And it's not my method, it's a trusted method from plenty sources.

1. Are you insinuating that only the unmarried people out there heads still screwed on the correct way?

2. If Osinachi had jejely sought out individual happiness before her demise, she might have saved herself from becoming worm food today. She was married, but she is now dead. Are you insinuating that what she had was good for her, even though she ended up dead as a result?

If the woman whose husband made national news the other day for not being afford to afford the cost of her pregnancy emergency procedure, had jejely sought the path of individual happiness, said no to another pregnancy in poverty or maybe chosen divorce instead, she would have saved her life but she is dead and she took her baby with her. Are you wanting us to believe that her case was a good one, and her death better than calling it quits?

3. Even children and unmarried people experience regret during their lives, so should we all take a hike on life as a result? I don't understand why failure resulting in regret is suddenly raised as the worst that could happen to one.

By the way, according to Google AI, only about 27% of women and about 32% of men who are divorced experience regret. Now, of that number that experienced retreat, can you tell us how many of them would not have regretted not getting a divorce even more? Can you tell you here and now that Osinachi's husband, for example, is not regretting not divorcing Osinachi before it all ended the way it did? Can you tell us right here and now that Osinachi's children are delighted their parents did not get a divorce?

I think it is time we stop letting our fears lead the way as far as common sense is concerned, at least for the sake of the children involved.

4. Marital counseling does not work because we definitely don't want couples opening up about their grievances, abi? We would rather they sit back on top of that bomb until it either implodes/explodes or sucks the vitality of life out of them — no happiness, right?

5. Your method, which seems to ignore the particular grievances that OP's wife may actually have against him, right? And let me guess, these plenty of resources are not documented anywhere except in your mind, right?

Busariabeyx24

Let's knack each of your problems 1 by 1

Lack Of Intimacy:

Ogbeni, during the day, get her ready for sexx at night. No farmer plants yam at 7pm and expects to eat it at 9pm. So toast her during the day
Ogbeni, go and shower nightly. Shave your armpits and down under. Smell good, get rid of that torn boxers. Also get a vibrator for both of you to use for play. Tell her to change the bedsheets and get new pillows (she needs something to grab onto when you eventually start making her legs shake and flat pillows are so uncomfortable). Go and check for lingerie on IG, send her links and tell her to pick one. Same with perfume.

I like giving BJs. What does your wife like in bed? If you can't answer that, then that means you're not putting her back through the mattress. You've just been using her like a Fleshlight. So you're gonna learn how to have her ready for action any day, any time.

Emotional Abandonment

She started talking to her friends because she had no-one to talk to. I'm telling you this as a woman: we don't really like ditching her husbands until he shows us he doesn't want our company and we decide to go get a life.

You taught her that. , she's your mirror.

So no more phones, no more hanging out with the boys for now. Focus on her.

Date night! When a woman says "I want to eat grilled fish" she means "I want to dress up, feel cute and eat grilled fish". Most men mis-hear and they buy the fish and bring it home. Boring.

Also, no more phones when you're both at home unless it rings. Phones are killers of Intimacy. Focus on each other, assume you're in 1943 Nigeria with no NEPA and kerosene lamp. Your grandparents had nothing else to do save for fvck and talk to each other and other people. Much less poor mental health issues back then too.

Lack of Parental Responsibility in Education:

Okay, she needs to step up here. I know for a fact that a lot of teachers in Nigeria are doing it because it's a job not because it's a calling. So she may be burned out (their pay is crap). Sit her down and tell her "do you want our kids to be like Naija influencer Jarvis or banger incel boy Wizarab or do you want our kids to be like Ezra Olubi or Jason Njoku?" Let her know the stakes and tell her you'll her, here's your family plan for the kids, she should add to it.

Busariabeyx24

Communication Breakdown

Put down your phone. I'm serious. Both of you will talk better once you put down your phones. , act like you're in 1943 Nigeria once you get home.

Disregard for my Input and :

Ooh that was me. I was the brains in the marriage so bright ideas was me.

Problem was, how I communicated those bright ideas.

I thought I was being helpful, but he was hearing "you fvcking fvcktard, why don't you just listen to me so our lives can be smoother?!". I wasn't using those words, but they were definitely in my head when I spoke and that would colour my attitude and tone in that conversation. Of course, he would shut down.

Now, I saw a video that said "Talk to your spouse like they are your child".

Write that down.

You probably will say "Is she not an adult?!" I said the same thing. But divorce lawyers cost a minimum of N1.5million-N6million (minus court costs). So it was cheaper for me to talk to my spouse the same gentle, patient, loving way I talk to my kids:

Because even the Bible harps on this.

"Madam, see this idea, I like some parts of it, you did good on some other parts, I have some suggestions, wetin you think?"

Lack of Respect for My Hustle

This is a very valid point most breadwinners have. So I give you this and you will calmly bring it up to her, once you've done the other things.

Because it isn't easy paying bills. Also, ask her to show you when she buys things for the house, she's contributing in her own way and you probably can't see that as well.

Tell her "I'm your provider, gimme some sugar when I provide for you, okay?".

Also remind her that cheating is expensive

Misplaced Priorities

My guy, you're describing a spouse that has emotionally checked out of their marriage here. I've been there. But once you start my program, this will fix itself naturally.


Manipulation By Friends

Again, that is only happening because she's not connected to you. You need to draw her back into your marriage and under your protection. Once you do, she'll pick better friends.

Right now, misery loves company.

When you want to end your marriage, the devil will surround you with coworkers and friends who all want to divorce. When my friend's Urhobo husband abandoned her, every useless man we met destroying their marriage was Urhobo (and she lives in lagos, what are the odds!). Even Bovi made a joke about it. You attract the company around you by what you think. Again, even the Bible says so.


Ongoing Emotional Disregard

Oga, please fix yourself. Start changing yourself and watch her change. Write down a list of the perfect woman for you. Then write down the type of man dating or married to that woman. And turn yourself into that man. She will mirror you and turn into the woman of your dreams. Not perfect, but loving.

And if your ego is screaming "why should I fix myself, na MAN I be!"...

Please look at Jay Z and Beyonce. He is billionaire yet still attends music award shows to watch his wife win awards. He's putting in the work in his marriage. Who you be?

Shalom

bekpo:
A lady I wanted to marry some years ago tried this nonsense with me, she thought that because I had invested so much on d marriage plans, that I can't leave her anymore. She'll abandoned me for days and weeks, called her she won't take her calls, returning from work late at night rather than 3pm. I tried in vain to make it work to no avail. I almost lost my self esteem until I summed up courage and left her. She was like, what r u trying to do to us? After u had spent all these amounts of money on our marriage plans? It was a very difficult decision but I had to take it for my sanity. I am not given to cheating in a relationship otherwise, I would had had a mistress outside but I can't just do it. I am much more better now.

Thank God that you have recovered, a better person will come.

mylove4God:
Thank God that you have recovered, a better person will come.

Amen! Thanks a bunch

Welcome

bekpo:


Amen! Thanks a bunch

mylove4God:
Welcome

We can link up on: [email protected]

advanceDNA:
Pele...you don wake up

I've realized for a while now that love or lust or wateva pple feel or call it is not needed in marriage........the side that has less of this so called love or lust has the highest leverage..

Just marry with your two eyes open so that you can see bu!!sh!t from miles away, carry a rational mind to be fair when needed, and tuck ur heart away in hidden vault to prevent anybody from robbïng you of your peace so u can be ruthless when needed

Good as always... Talking about your submission. Love is overrated. Marriage is partnership. Find someone whose qualities syncs with yours. One whose strength can rub off on you positively and vice versa.

Onegai:
Busariabeyx24

Let's knack each of your problems 1 by 1

Lack Of Intimacy:

Ogbeni, during the day, get her ready for sexx at night. No farmer plants yam at 7pm and expects to eat it at 9pm. So toast her during the day
Ogbeni, go and shower nightly. Shave your armpits and down under. Smell good, get rid of that torn boxers. Also get a vibrator for both of you to use for play. Tell her to change the bedsheets and get new pillows (she needs something to grab onto when you eventually start making her legs shake and flat pillows are so uncomfortable). Go and check for lingerie on IG, send her links and tell her to pick one. Same with perfume.

I like giving BJs. What does your wife like in bed? If you can't answer that, then that means you're not putting her back through the mattress. You've just been using her like a Fleshlight. So you're gonna learn how to have her ready for action any day, any time.

Emotional Abandonment

She started talking to her friends because she had no-one to talk to. I'm telling you this as a woman: we don't really like ditching her husbands until he shows us he doesn't want our company and we decide to go get a life.

You taught her that. , she's your mirror.

So no more phones, no more hanging out with the boys for now. Focus on her.

Date night! When a woman says "I want to eat grilled fish" she means "I want to dress up, feel cute and eat grilled fish". Most men mis-hear and they buy the fish and bring it home. Boring.

Also, no more phones when you're both at home unless it rings. Phones are killers of Intimacy. Focus on each other, assume you're in 1943 Nigeria with no NEPA and kerosene lamp. Your grandparents had nothing else to do save for fvck and talk to each other and other people. Much less poor mental health issues back then too.

Lack of Parental Responsibility in Education:

Okay, she needs to step up here. I know for a fact that a lot of teachers in Nigeria are doing it because it's a job not because it's a calling. So she may be burned out (their pay is crap). Sit her down and tell her "do you want our kids to be like Naija influencer Jarvis or banger incel boy Wizarab or do you want our kids to be like Ezra Olubi or Jason Njoku?" Let her know the stakes and tell her you'll her, here's your family plan for the kids, she should add to it.

Though you made some point rightly but this is almost totally selfishness sis. Why should a man go through all this just to sleep with a woman they both claim to be in love together? You girls should stop getting men to marry you when you know clearly you don't love him but just need to be taken out of the single-hood. If the woman put half of all these efforts you listed for the man definitely there wouldn't be problem in the marriage. We are not kids here, when a woman is in love we know and when she is out of love the picture is never blur, so save all this killing a lion for her to proof something that will not be reciprocated. O thought love they said is mutual, why do any individual has to do all these to get the other persons attention if truly there is love there?