NewStats: 3,261,910 , 8,175,516 topics. Date: Saturday, 31 May 2025 at 12:36 AM 166d5z

i don't think think you're telling the full story honestly. I know many families who can only afford to intensively train one child at a time, hoping that as one stands he would drag the rest along and help set his younger ones up in return till they are all independent. Then they collectively work on rewarding their parents (who would be aged by this time) in return for their labour and toils thru the years. while I don't think its the ideal way to raise a family of many children, I think it's fair cos its not easy raising many children at the same time in this economy. Now the problem here is most times these elder ones becomes over burdened and the set up back fires when he over reacts cos he would spend so much time trying to set his younger ones up and begin to realise he's loosing time on starting a family for himself, hence these kinda problems like the op's arises.
so OP I think you're going around it the wrong way. If you think you can settle every single one of your siblings before getting married you can as well go the monastery and pledge you life to celibacy for whatever you hold sacred. Everybody can't go to school honestly cos most times that's the line with which they dig a hole in your pocket and live off till eternity, especially If they are the lazy types. look out for the hardworking ones,set up a family business and put them in charge. set them up for trainings that would put money in their pockets eventually and gradually they would become independent, then together you all can do good for mum and dad. my mum always say one finger alone can never pull a strand of hair nor can a single stick of broom sweep a house clean if not in the bunch. This is coming from a real life experience training my elder ones (elder brothers especially) deprived Us of our direct "milk and honey" (thank God didn't I wait on any of them) They finished,got established and you begin to hear lines like I have a family, especially if you marry a useless wife that would come with her own baggage and want to cut you off from yours by not even attempting to flow with them or be familiar with them, they'd feel deprived and cheated and just may never love her for no reason hence you might never he happy. so Mr OP use your head!.

This is what I am facing In my family as well... I am also helping them all... I need to maintain my position now before is too late for me as your own now... I learnt a lesson from this your write up....

Ameen and you too.

SirLakes:


God bless you

Don't learn bad thing bros, empower your siblings in your own capacity and don't attempt to ignore them. Tomorrow is pregnant and no one knows tomorrow.

guru90:
This is what I am facing In my family as well... I am also helping them all... I need to maintain my position now before is too late for me as your own now... I learnt a lesson from this your write up....

Follow your heart!!!

It isn't compulsory that they come to your wedding. Your close friends can represent your "fair weather" family.

Igbos:
Bro if the collective resources of the household was used to sponsor you abroad at the expense of your siblings, then I can understand what they meant by "settle" but if not, bro do what your heart pleases and enjoy your life to the fullest.

if he does what his heart tells him.... His family will not come until he settled them all..

This is case oooooh

madridguy:
Don't learn bad thing bros, empower your siblings in your own capacity and don't attempt to ignore them. Tomorrow is pregnant and no one knows tomorrow.

what I learnt there is that I need to start fixing them in a better position as well... Before it is too late for me that's what I meant brother.....

Bro, I can never learn bad thing.... I will continue doing my good works....

Sebastine1606:

You have made real facts my brother, bitter truth, the guy has done his best

Bro me you've understanding. Honestly, many people are so thoughtless. Small-minded people to be precise do find it easy to chastise others who're better than them in all forms - to this class of people one's goodness towards them can never be enough, instead one must be constantly servile to them in particular and with endless financial resources in general in order to be/remain in their good book.

The axiom that says whatever one gives attention he gives power is true. OP should reduce his attention to them but without alienating them from his life. Diplomacy does it all.

It's funny how everyone is shouting teach yoir siblings how to fish, bring them abroad etc.

Does anyone know what OP is doing abroad?
What if he is a sales person at Wal-Mart supermarket?
What if he also has no papers and is just trying to hide under the rader?
Is it not someone that fishes himself that can teach another to fish?
I don't know what gives people th3 impression th OP is rich. Don't be surprised same brothers in Nigeria live better than the OP

hdeeman:
i have always have a very close relationship with my siblings while growing up, which i have tried much to see that everyone is comfortable. i don,t based in Nigeria, but my family has always been my first priority. but everything changed immediately i want to get married. that i have to settle everyone first before getting married. they automatically ganged against me, that if i don,t settle that no one will come for my marriage. this really pissed me off cos this is the same people i have been struggling for over 10 years now. am no longer a kid if i start to settle i will never get married. this is really disturbing me, they only call you on phone when they need something. it really hurt when people you love dearly treat you like this. how do i go about this cos i have decided what ever will happen let it happen, let me look for my own life. i owe no one a dime, every struggle is me and me alone,

Dear Lord please help hdeeman's future wife. Give him wisdom to protect his wife from untold trials and temptation. Lord preserve his life, and that of his future wife and kids too in Jesus name, amen.

hdeeman:
i have always have a very close relationship with my siblings while growing up, which i have tried much to see that everyone is comfortable. i don,t based in Nigeria, but my family has always been my first priority. but everything changed immediately i want to get married. that i have to settle everyone first before getting married. they automatically ganged against me, that if i don,t settle that no one will come for my marriage. this really pissed me off cos this is the same people i have been struggling for over 10 years now. am no longer a kid if i start to settle i will never get married. this is really disturbing me, they only call you on phone when they need something. it really hurt when people you love dearly treat you like this. how do i go about this cos i have decided what ever will happen let it happen, let me look for my own lifetime. i owe no one a dime, every struggle is me and me alone,

u re ryt dear.
ur pple re bin selfish...... my dear if dey refus coming to ur wedding , God is wit u, God knws u ve tried for dem bt dey decide to pay u bck wit evil....u cnt marry ur siblings.... go ahead wit d marriage

madridguy:
Funny you bro well, from your write up seem you're the type that only give fish without teaching your siblings how to fish

Teach two of them how to fish and the rest will stop calling you alone.

Bros no blame the man abeg...most of them re nt ready to do anything they just sit n await ur coming for settling some will even on u for house rents n their kids school fees....in Africa why we work n get paid n not enjoy our stipends is because of all these external family spending.......

But why will a man just go and marry when he has siblings who are yet to attain some level of independence.?
C'mon, the family invested in you for such a time as this.
Don't be callous.

hdeeman:
i have always have a very close relationship with my siblings while growing up, which i have tried much to see that everyone is comfortable. i don,t based in Nigeria, but my family has always been my first priority. but everything changed immediately i want to get married. that i have to settle everyone first before getting married. they automatically ganged against me, that if i don,t settle that no one will come for my marriage. this really pissed me off cos this is the same people i have been struggling for over 10 years now. am no longer a kid if i start to settle i will never get married. this is really disturbing me, they only call you on phone when they need something. it really hurt when people you love dearly treat you like this. how do i go about this cos i have decided what ever will happen let it happen, let me look for my own life. i owe no one a dime, every struggle is me and me alone,

Bros go ahead a marry quick quick I had a cousin who got married at almost 42 cos this kind of wahala...pls.......do quick......your kids area waiting

LordKO:


Bro me you've understanding. Honestly, many people are so thoughtless. Small-minded people to be precise do find it easy to chastise others who're better than them in all forms - to this class of people one's goodness towards them can never be enough, instead one must be constantly servile to them in particular and with endless financial resources in general in order to be/remain in their good book.

The axiom that says whatever one gives attention he gives power is true. OP should reduce his attention to them but without alienating them from his life. Diplomacy does it all.

I concur with your idea.
@OP take heart and steadfast in prayers, below is FYI.... So don't kill yourself

May be your family contributed to your success.I have seen a situation where younger one have to withdraw from school for elder one.so you have to settle them bcs after married they may not see your face again

hdeeman:
i have always have a very close relationship with my siblings while growing up, which i have tried much to see that everyone is comfortable. i don,t based in Nigeria, but my family has always been my first priority. but everything changed immediately i want to get married. that i have to settle everyone first before getting married. they automatically ganged against me, that if i don,t settle that no one will come for my marriage. this really pissed me off cos this is the same people i have been struggling for over 10 years now. am no longer a kid if i start to settle i will never get married. this is really disturbing me, they only call you on phone when they need something. it really hurt when people you love dearly treat you like this. how do i go about this cos i have decided what ever will happen let it happen, let me look for my own life. i owe no one a dime, every struggle is me and me alone,

U posted dis same stuff in relationship matters on Facebook, now it's on nairaland. E clear

hdeeman:
i have always have a very close relationship with my siblings while growing up, which i have tried much to see that everyone is comfortable. i don,t based in Nigeria, but my family has always been my first priority. but everything changed immediately i want to get married. that i have to settle everyone first before getting married. they automatically ganged against me, that if i don,t settle that no one will come for my marriage. this really pissed me off cos this is the same people i have been struggling for over 10 years now. am no longer a kid if i start to settle i will never get married. this is really disturbing me, they only call you on phone when they need something. it really hurt when people you love dearly treat you like this. how do i go about this cos i have decided what ever will happen let it happen, let me look for my own life. i owe no one a dime, every struggle is me and me alone,

oake:
A man's enemies will be the of his own household.' Luke 12:53.

Na lie... Talk am the way they talk am

OGA
this story is incomplete oh,

its either one of them (father and mother)sacrificed something to get you to a stage ua expected to aid others stand or the poor man was doing it with hope you will aid others up. This your 10years i still no believe am fa but if its through then you and head of your family failed big time in human management.

If that be the case then start helping them stand,call a family meeting and asure them you are making that possible,reach an agreement with them and make sure your wife understands this CLEARLY.

from experience,.its never wise to allow your sef be the only cock that crows in a family.if not fixed time will come when you or even your family will need the poorest of them and they will never be,or else you have become bill gate (person wey get today fit no see gary chop morrow,how you won take do am).

...................................................

know a family like that o .the guy likes it when his family begs him for change and refused to help anyone stand even as he runs several business none of his family was even allowed to come close to them talk of learning from him,he prefer giving crumbs to them that they did not make the money for him.

well,.every member of his family bone am went basic huzling,..he later had problems in his business after two kids and in accident (was with wife and kids in car,only him was lost).his brothers have been training his two sons since then,the eldest one just post utme (even heard one of the dads brother is seriously making arrangents if it works so the young man can study abroad cos dude is so intelligent).this is a street where i grew up oh.

If you abandon your family,then better be praying they have that kind of heart cos as you dey do strong man,when yawa gass no be u go hear am ,u fit no dey there when e go dey happen sef.

you cant please everybody ,..but help someone to help another,.marriage should never be a reason y if you plan well with everybody involved...........maka echi brother mi

Op there are many like you, I used to be in your shoe the difference was that I give a little and at the same time thought them how to fish now am about getting married but no pressure from any angel why because everyone is fishing by theirselves. That's one problem some of us have don't give but teach.

hdeeman:
i have always have a very close relationship with my siblings while growing up, which i have tried much to see that everyone is comfortable. i don,t based in Nigeria, but my family has always been my first priority. but everything changed immediately i want to get married. that i have to settle everyone first before getting married. they automatically ganged against me, that if i don,t settle that no one will come for my marriage. this really pissed me off cos this is the same people i have been struggling for over 10 years now. am no longer a kid if i start to settle i will never get married. this is really disturbing me, they only call you on phone when they need something. it really hurt when people you love dearly treat you like this. how do i go about this cos i have decided what ever will happen let it happen, let me look for my own life. i owe no one a dime, every struggle is me and me alone,

ifycoly:
Op there are many like you, I used to be in your shoe the difference was that I give a little and at the same time thought them how to fish now am about getting married but no pressure from any angel why because everyone is fishing by theirselves. That's one problem some of us have don't give but teach.

exactly,.love this

Try to know the kind of help they meant first

If you reach an agreement with them please fulfill your part of the agreement. I've seen where siblings will sacrifice for one of theirs to travel out with the t contributions of all, hoping he'll reciprocate with the same kindness to alleviate them from their predicaments, at the end he sends some cash and renege from the actual agreement they made. If this case describes you then, please fulfill it to the letter. They risk their destinies to make you happy. If not, you're not obliged to shoulder anyone's responsibility.

Guy! watch plenty of Nigeria home movies and learn how to act or pretend you have been duped.........return to them and ask for loan or and see if you will even get good food to eat in their Homes! Stay in their presence for like 100days with full decision that they must help you in return and see who got your Back! Then after that you will know that nobody give a dam about you and your life! Nigerians that even the Wife of a Wealthy Man will stab him in the back when things goes Bad! Do these if you can and thank me Later! Please call me when it's time for the wedding am a Photographer +2348065032211

cstr1000:
But why will a man just go and marry when he has siblings who are yet to attain some level of independence.?
C'mon, the family invested in you for such a time as this.
Don't be callous.

Typical Nigerian entitlement mentality. His siblings are NOT his responsibility, they're his parents'. Why did the parents pop out more kids than they can cope with? Now they're mounting financial pressure on a son that did not beg or force them to bring that many kids into the world. Makes absolutely no sense.

dominique:


Typical Nigerian entitlement mentality. His siblings are NOT his responsibility, they're his parents'. [b]Why did the parents pop out more kids than they can cope with? [/b]Now they're mounting financial pressure on a son that did not beg or force them to bring that many kids into the world. Makes absolutely no sense.

I love you for this thought at the bolded, you gbaski

dominique:


Typical Nigerian entitlement mentality. His siblings are NOT his responsibility, they're his parents'. Why did the parents pop out more kids than they can cope with? Now they're mounting financial pressure on a son that did not beg or force them to bring that many kids into the world. Makes absolutely no sense.

Such one directional reasoning , I don't even know where to start.
So if tomorrow, something happens to his source of income that is making him puffed him up, who will he turn to? His wife? That will begin to show her other side.
You obviously don't appreciate how unpredictable this world is. His siblings may be his saving grace in the future.
I don't unbridled parasitism, but only a foolish man would cast his family aside because he wants to marry some woman who is looking for someone else to share her burden.
na today people start to marry?
And before you start making baseless deductions, I am a first born son with dependents.

cstr1000:
But why will a man just go and marry when he has siblings who are yet to attain some level of independence.?
C'mon, the family invested in you for such a time as this.
Don't be callous.

A lot of Nigerians here lack basic comprehension skills. The guy has clearly stated and I quote"i owe no one a dime, every struggle is me and me alone

He has just been helping his family for 10 good years and they seem to be an ungrateful bunch. Some people never want to learn but always leech. No matter what you do for them they will never be satisfied. Its time the op starts living and starting his own life. He can help his family when he can but mostly his parents should be his main responsibility.

Are his siblings handicapped? Don't they have hands? If something happens tomorrow and he can't make money what will they do.

JustMakeMoney:
Guy! watch plenty of Nigeria home movies and learn how to act or pretend you have been duped.........return to them and ask for loan or and see if you will even get good food to eat in their Homes! Stay in their presence for like 100days with full decision that they must help you in return and see who got your Back! Then after that you will know that nobody give a dam about you and your life! Nigerians that even the Wife of a Wealthy Man will stab him in the back when things goes Bad! Do these if you can and thank me Later! Please call me when it's time for the wedding am a Photographer +2348065032211

Dammmmm, see advice ooh

hdeeman:
i have always have a very close relationship with my siblings while growing up, which i have tried much to see that everyone is comfortable. i don,t based in Nigeria, but my family has always been my first priority. but everything changed immediately i want to get married. that i have to settle everyone first before getting married. they automatically ganged against me, that if i don,t settle that no one will come for my marriage. this really pissed me off cos this is the same people i have been struggling for over 10 years now. am no longer a kid if i start to settle i will never get married. this is really disturbing me, they only call you on phone when they need something. it really hurt when people you love dearly treat you like this. how do i go about this cos i have decided what ever will happen let it happen, let me look for my own life. i owe no one a dime, every struggle is me and me alone,

Sir/ma'am, you owe none of them except your parents. I would imagine (at least) your mother should pushed you to get married regardless of circumstances.

They don't have to attend to your wedding at all. If you have to take care of them until they are "comfortable", it is not gonna happen. There is no time they get comfortable. Just tell your parents about your potential spouse on the phone ( if none them is with you in diaspora). Get friends, Imam or pastor. Hire photographer and go ahead with your wedding.

This is 21 century. Things have changed. It may cost you lots of $$ to bring your family over for your wedding.

Do what you have to do. They know bcus you are single is the reason. You are getting married is a threat to them. Once you are married, whoever is lazy to find a job will get off the couch and work. I am not saying to cut family ties. Just keep them at arms' length. And no matter what, you owe your parents. Never forget their monthly allowance. They are the ONLY folks you are obligated to. NONE ELSE. And be sure you clear your debts with whoever sponsored you from your family so that they don't get to hold it against you.

madridguy:
Funny you bro well, from your write up seem you're the type that only give fish without teaching your siblings how to fish

Teach two of them how to fish and the rest will stop calling you alone.

The fact that this utterly utterly dumb post got the most likes just shows that Nigerians aren't deep and critical thinkers.
Teach others how to fish; like the op should suspend his plans for marriage, put his life on hold and teach grown ups how to hustle and make a living for themselves?

Gosh.