NewStats: 3,259,750 , 8,170,801 topics. Date: Sunday, 25 May 2025 at 09:34 PM 4o264k

onuku:
I believe every marriage is a partnership, and that’s how it should be.

Please stop lying! A person who submits to another individual IS NOT a partner but a subjugate in the relationship. You and I know this well so please stop lying to yourself at least.

onuku:
The marriage is over 15 years. Husband was taking care of everything throughout the period during the marriage. She started working last year's January, and started doing feeding for a family of 5 last July. 3 months ago, we agreed that she will also contribute some money towards utilities. She contributed towards utilities for 2 months and stopped. Reason being that she doesn't have money

Hallo

May I chip in?

This is not a money issue, this is a Trust issue.

And if allowed to fester, could get ugly. So here's a game plan.

Step 1: Sit with the Lord. Commit your marriage to prayer. Ask Him to guide the family and blessing He gave you. Tell the Lord to show you what an Ephesians 5: 23-33 kind of husband looks like, because it's time to love your wife like Christ loved the (misbehaving) church.

Step 2: print all your financial documents, every bank statement, retirement , even the one in Nigeria. Any document showing whatever property you own, print out a copy.

DO NOT DARE ATTEMPT TO LIE BY OMISSION ON STEP 2. BECAUSE I ASSURE YOU, THE ENEMY IS BANKING ON THIS.

Step 3: send your wife a text "hey, I would like us to sit down and have a talk this weekend, please schedule 3 hours for it. Love, your husband".

Some authority with a sprinkle of love. We are leading gently, leading though. that.

Step 4: make sure the kids are not anywhere around during those 3 hours. No distractions, phones on silent. TV off. Nowhere to go, nothing to do.

Step 5: buy 4 Caprisun and 2 packs of biscuits.

D-Day

Come to the meeting place, sit down beside Madam, folder of papers in hand.

Modulate your voice, monitor your emotions, tell yourself "I'm talking to a white surbodinate, not a Naija woman". You should be THAT calm.

Gently yet firmly bring up "what's going on, we had an agreement, you're backing out, the family finances are getting hurt. What's happening?"

She has her shields up, so she's going to say "nothing".

You continue, press her gently. Keep mentioning the phrase "Family Finances", "Team Work", "US against the problem", "Our Money".

Show her your folder and be open about your finances with her. Encourage her to do the same, maybe at a later date. Explain to her that if you work together, everyone will achieve their goals together.

Be firm yet gentle. Show her you're an open book.

After the meeting, continue to be an Open book. Now is the time to let her have your phone s. Whatever income comes in, she should know and she should have a say in how she spends what she earns and also have a say in Family Financial planning.

Now, everyone will tell you I'm crazy, that you should never trust a Naija woman like that, lots of bad experiences will be shared with you.

Ignore it all.

Because when your Trust issue with your wife escalates, none of us will be there to hold you as you fall apart. And it will be UGLY.

In 3-5 months, one day your wife will gist you about Ebele or Modupe, whose husband suddenly emptied their s and cleaned her out and filed for divorce and remarried or built house in Nigeria in his name alone, after she was contributing to the bills loyally.

Please go and get that Caprisun and biscuits,sit beside her, open it for her and you, eat,drink and go "ehhhh! Aahhhhh, that's bad o"

And thank God that you avoided that.

Onuku

A lot of times, our insecurities and fears are triggered by an external factor.

We can't start saying "I may not trust my spouse" so we get defensive and then protective of ourself. Our spouse sees that and reacts to it.

The Enemy of course is working overtime because he loves misunderstandings, he's broken up so many covenants with that. he will water that seed of misunderstanding and mistrust until it grows I to a tree.

God doesn't want that and once you go to Him, He will help you uproot that seed before it becomes a tree.

Because every marriage dies by a 1000 cuts and finances, lack of communication and mistrust are 3.

Something, maybe a combo of what she saw and something you did, has triggered her defenses. She's not going to tell you, but she's forgotten she's part of a triple team. You need to reassure her and calm the muddy waters.

I edited this to add:

I didn't read any of your other replies on the thread when I typed my earlier response.

It's scary I'm right. You're about to retire and she's feeling like you're about to take care of yourself whilst she shoulders the bills. She's finally seeing how hard it is to pay bills and the Enemy has planted a seed in her head that you will soon buy land in Nigeria in your name only and begin to build whilst she is doing jackie and dodoyo.

It's a Trust issue.

If you call her family or yours, you will love divorce court by 2027.

Fix this with God and love. Come back, drinking your Caprisun and eating your biscuit and update us.

onuku:
➜I rest my case. Feeding is less than $1K, compared to someone that spends thousands a month on mortgage, car notes, insurances, property tax, kids sporting activities, utility taxes. The folks that live abroad will understand.

I live abroad, and your case is in no way unique here. Go to Nigerian churches and you will find couples who have hit the very same wall you are having to deal with now and are struggling with whether to continue as they have or adopt a more commonsense partnership instead.

Onuku, your financial talk should include:

Investment s,
Roth IRAs
529s
Retirement s from your respective companies
Medicaid (it may not exist by then )
Investments back home
Investments in the US (a 2nd business)
Spending money (for when your midlife crisis hits, you buy a motorcycle and carry her across Route 66 on a road trip and get her pregnant at 47

In other words, show her you're still committed to building a life together, it's just her turn to pick up that financial section and maybe your turn to take care of the domestics.

Infact, call her "the Man of the House" as she dey pay bills, buy an apron and serve her food wearing only your boxers and the apron, shake your bumbum in front of her and tell her "baby plis can you pay for my Netflix??"

Laughter will always be the best medicine.

, Ephesians 5: 23-33. She's your body, treat your body right

Thank you so much for the kind advise. I will do so.

Onegai:
Onuku

A lot of times, our insecurities and fears are triggered by an external factor.

We can't start saying "I may not trust my spouse" so we get defensive and then protective of ourself. Our spouse sees that and reacts to it.

The Enemy of course is working overtime because he loves misunderstandings, he's broken up so many covenants with that. he will water that seed of misunderstanding and mistrust until it grows I to a tree.

God doesn't want that and once you go to Him, He will help you uproot that seed before it becomes a tree.

Because every marriage dies by a 1000 cuts and finances, lack of communication and mistrust are 3.

Something, maybe a combo of what she saw and something you did, has triggered her defenses. She's not going to tell you, but she's forgotten she's part of a triple team. You need to reassure her and calm the muddy waters.

I edited this to add:

I didn't read any of your other replies on the thread when I typed my earlier response.

It's scary I'm right. You're about to retire and she's feeling like you're about to take care of yourself whilst she shoulders the bills. She's finally seeing how hard it is to pay bills and the Enemy has planted a seed in her head that you will soon buy land in Nigeria in your name only and begin to build whilst she is doing jackie and dodoyo.

It's a Trust issue.

If you call her family or yours, you will love divorce court by 2027.

Fix this with God and love. Come back, drinking your Caprisun and eating your biscuit and update us.

I pity their children sha.

onuku:
Thank you so much for the kind advise. I will do so.

In addition, please add the questions WhiteIverson mentioned to your conversation.

"Is this a debt issue?"

Super serious Q, because y'all are going into a recession in the US of A.

BTW, this may be a good time to look at buying a rental property. Extra income for the retirement for BOTH of you. Tell her this.

Rooting for you two ❤️

Humm. Sounds like newly japa-ed people. Oga you cannot follow Internet advice in your marriage because when the heat comes now, you are the one that will face it.

onuku:
Thank you so much for the kind advise. I will do so.

Apply all of her advise up there except the part that she said you should bring out all your assets and table them to your wife. DON'T DO THAT.

From other past experiences in western countries, that method is a highway to divorce courts. She will now have full information about your assets home and abroad that can be used against you in divorce court. Her lawyers will apply their regular "wish list" divorce settlement templates against your asset and you will lose bitterly.

onuku:
We both are from Imo state.

In this day and age; single income can't sustain an average household anymore.

All I am saying is that isn't she supposed to chip in the family expenses aside grocery. Here, 3 of the kids have their breakfast and lunch in their respective schools.

Lastly, I am compelled to inform her parents of what's going on!

You're the one trying to cunning here. Don't act like you're unaware that Imo women don't play with their money.

Don't you ever attempt sharing this matter with your wife's parents bcoz you'll never win.

My 2kobo.

Kobojunkie:
I live abroad, and your case is in no way unique here. Go to Nigerian churches and you will find couples who have hit the very same wall you are having to deal with now and are struggling with whether to continue as they have or adopt a more commonsense partnership instead.

Referring to Nigerian churches is immaterial, as this kind of issue is commonplace in some homes.

omooba969:
➜Referring to Nigerian churches is immaterial, as this kind of issue is commonplace in some homes.

Indeed.

It's nice to let her parents be aware of the situation with evidence when they visit in ths summer. I'm sure they might feign ignorance of the whole situation.

omooba969:


You're the one trying to cunning here. Don't act like you're unaware that Imo women don't play with their money.

Don't you ever attempt sharing this matter with your wife's parents bcoz you'll never win.

My 2kobo.

Caaz:

Kobojunkie my love,stop misleading women,you re in a sane country where things are working perfectly,the govt even offer shelter and free Meals.


Now let us be realistic....this is nigeria,most family are struggling,i assist my husband,he didnt compelled me,i do it just to ease the burden from him,because that's the essence of being married.


This man has carried this(Billing)for 15yrs,it will not be out of place for his wife to assist with some bills,if she contribute the heavens will not fall.

I cancel any bad thing you wish for yourself

you can clearly tell from her posts that she is a single, old woman. It does not matter if they are in a sane country or not. bad character always keeps them single

Helpout12345:


Apply all of her advise up there except the part that she said you should bring out all your assets and table them to your wife. DON'T DO THAT.

From other past experiences in western countries, that method is a highway to divorce courts. She will now have full information about your assets home and abroad that can be used against you in divorce court. Her lawyers will apply their regular "wish list" divorce settlement templates against your asset and you will lose bitterly.

With all due respect, you're wrong.

When misunderstanding starts, everyone becomes suspicious of each other. We all go "shields up!", summon our dragons and assume the other person is attacking.

And that's exactly how my newly-divorced friend ended up divorced: he and his wife were having problems, he (foolishly) decided to move out for a year and people told his wife "he's gonna clear all the s and file and screw you over!". So she filed immediately.

Of course, divorce isn't nice and rarely amicable (forget the lies you hear people spout online, once lawyers are involved, it will get ugly).

So after they were done fighting (correction, they're still fighting, he just got back the house), there's too much bad blood and bad experiences, that have happened and neither of them is truly happy, their kids certainly aren't happy, but they're still divorced.

There's no "Me" or "Shields Up" in a Marriage.

My sibling is a 54-year old Dr in Nigeria, do you KNOW how many people, men mostly, that have been brought in DOA or almost and nobody could identify them, their families or even access their financials because their phones are PRIVATE PROPERTY from their wives?

Do you know how many bankers love Nigerian men because of the numerous dormant s they are stealing from quietly because the wife has zero idea of her late husband's finances?

If you don't plan on trusting your husband or wife fully, stay single.

Even the Apostle Paul recommends Singleness because he knew how hard and committed Marriage was.