NewStats: 3,262,583 , 8,177,586 topics. Date: Monday, 02 June 2025 at 08:55 PM 4m3a

Spouse works full-time, and sometimes overtime, and suddenly refuses to contribute to monthly bills.

Please advise how to handle this situation.

onuku:
Spouse works full-time, and sometimes overtime, and suddenly refuses to contribute to monthly bills.

Please advise how to handle this situation.

Clarify what “refuses” means: Is your spouse outright refusing, ignoring the issue, or is there a change in priorities?
Do you have a prior agreement?
Is there a trust or relationship issue at play?

onuku:
➜Spouse works full-time, and sometimes overtime, and suddenly refuses to contribute to monthly bills.
Please advise how to handle this situation.

Is your marriage of the traditional model, or is it instead a partnership where you are both expected to share the bills in addition to taking care of the children and managing everything at home?

Refusing that she does not have the money, but she works full time, and sometimes overtime.

She on her own decided that's what she can bring and did it for 2 months.

WhiteIverson:

Clarify what “refuses” means: Is your spouse outright refusing, ignoring the issue, or is there a change in priorities?
Do you have a prior agreement?
Is there a trust or relationship issue at play?

The marriage is over 15 years. Husband was taking care of everything throughout the period during the marriage. She started working last year's January, and started doing feeding for a family of 5 last July. 3 months ago, we agreed that she will also contribute some money towards utilities. She contributed towards utilities for 2 months and stopped. Reason being that she doesn't have money

Kobojunkie:
Is your marriage of the traditional model, or is it instead a partnership where you are both expected to share the bills in addition to taking care of the children and managing everything at home?

onuku:
➜The marriage is over 15 years. Husband was taking care of everything throughout the period during the marriage. She started working last year's January, and started doing feeding for a family of 5 last July.
➜ 3 months ago, we agreed that she will also contribute some money towards utilities. She contributed towards utilities for 2 months and stopped. Reason being that she doesn't have money

I noticed you did not answer the questions that I asked.

2. So, why do you not believe your wife then?

You want to change a lifestyle you have ingrained in your wife for 15 years within few months? Lol

My dear, be patient fast and pray. Most importantly be patient

Please,pray,fast,talk to God on her behalf,look sexy she might change her mind.













On a serious note,the way nigeria is going,wives that are working/doing businesses need to ive their husbands.

Caaz:
➜Please,pray,fast,talk to God on her behalf,look sexy she might change her mind. On a serious note,the way nigeria is going,wives that are working/doing businesses need to ive their husbands.

Why should they be doing any more than they have already had to do before now? Isn't it your Christian doctrine abi na tradition una dey call am that the man is the provider to his family?

Kobojunkie:
Why should they be doing any more than they have already had to do before now?

Kobojunkie my love,stop misleading women,you re in a sane country where things are working perfectly,the govt even offer shelter and free Meals.


Now let us be realistic....this is nigeria,most family are struggling,i assist my husband,he didnt compelled me,i do it just to ease the burden from him,because that's the essence of being married.


This man has carried this(Billing)for 15yrs,it will not be out of place for his wife to assist with some bills,if she contribute the heavens will not fall.

onuku:
The marriage is over 15 years. Husband was taking care of everything throughout the period during the marriage. She started working last year's January, and started doing feeding for a family of 5 last July. 3 months ago, we agreed that she will also contribute some money towards utilities. She contributed towards utilities for 2 months and stopped. Reason being that she doesn't have money

You just have to continue to insist and be patient.

This is how many women are, home and abroad.

A man can shoulder all the responsibility for years, nobody will hear outside. Let the woman do it for 2 months, problems will be everywhere.

Caaz:
➜my love,stop misleading women, you re in a sane country where things are working perfectly,the govt even offer shelter and free Meals.
➜ Now let us be realistic....this is nigeria, most family are struggling,
➜ i assist my husband,he didnt compared me, i do it just to ease the burden from him, because that's the essence of being married.
➜ This man has carried this(Billing)for 15yrs, it will not be out of place for his wife to assist with some bills,if she contribute the heavens will not fall.

1. So, because things are not working perfectly in Nigeria, we should not require that people proceed rationally in dealings with each other?

2. The realistic Traditional System of marriage in Nigeria insists that the man, in exchange for godhood in marriage over his woman, retain the position of sole provider to his family. It follows that should the man decide to step down from the position of sole provider, then he should rightly give up on some of the benefits he had previously enjoyed.

You may be OK with a life of suffering — carrying your weight and that of another on your head —, but not all women want that sort of suffering for themselves, and they are right to feel that way.

3. Traditionally, this man is supposed to carry that bill for the life of the marriage. Having his wife take on part of his role in the marriage without him giving up at least some of the benefits he enjoyed for over 15 years amounts to his wife losing out in the arrangement. That is unfair! A partnership arrangement should be followed up with a partnership agreement.

Caaz:

Kobojunkie my love,stop misleading women,you re in a sane country where things are working perfectly,the govt even offer shelter and free Meals.


Now let us be realistic....this is nigeria,most family are struggling,i assist my husband,he didnt compared me,i do it just to ease the burden from him,because that's the essence of being married.


This man has carried this(Billing)for 15yrs,it will not be out of place for his wife to assist with some bills,if she contribute the heavens will not fall.

Even in the "sane country", women assist their family financially. The "sane countries" are built for 2 income households.

Sorry madam Kobojunkie

Kobojunkie:
1. So, because things are not working perfectly in Nigeria, we should not require that people proceed rationally in dealings with each other?

2. The realistic Traditional System of marriage in Nigeria insists that the man, in exchange for godhood in marriage over his woman, retain the position of sole provider to his family. It follows that should the man decide to step down from the position of sole provider, then he should rightly give up on some of the benefits he had previously enjoyed.

You may be OK with a life of suffering — carrying your weight and that of another on your head —, but not all women want that sort of suffering for themselves, and they are right to feel that way.

3. Traditionally, this man is supposed to carry that bill for the life of the marriage. Having his wife take on part of his role in the marriage without him giving up at least some of the benefits he enjoyed for over 15 years amounts to his wife losing out in the arrangement. That is unfair! A partnership arrangement should be followed up with a partnership agreement.

Caaz:
Sorry madam ....

You didn't do anything to me. Just making it clear that women who are caught under the weight of the traditional marriage arrangement should require a renegotiation of their marriage contract in the case that the sole provider is no longer capable of providing for the family under the former arrangement. The marriage agreement is a renegotiable agreement; there is no reason why a woman should willingly take on more roles than she is required to unless she wishes to overburden herself for reasons best known to her.

I answered your questions to the best of my ability. I'm in my late 40s, and need to start planning for my retirement. By the way, she's a pharmacist, and we are based in abroad. Carrying all the bills alone is a disaster waiting to happen.
She's a 'quiet' type and doesn't talk to me because of this. She refused for us to see a counselor / therapist.

Kobojunkieee:
I noticed you did not answer the questions that I asked.

2. So, why do you not believe your wife then?

onuku:
Refusing that she does not have the money, but she works full time, and sometimes overtime.

She on her own decided that's what she can bring and did it for 2 months.

Have a serious, direct conversation. This isn’t just a money issue — it’s a relationship issue now
Approach her with calm but firmness.

Ask direct questions
“Where is your money going?”
“Are you in debt I don’t know about?”
“Is something going on that’s making you feel like you can’t or don’t want to contribute?”

You can have this conversation with her
"Can we talk for a minute? I need to discuss something important with you."
(Let her respond — do this when emotions are calm.)
"For the past two months, I’ve noticed you’ve not been contributing. You’ve said you 'don’t have the money,' but you’re still working full-time and sometimes extra hours, so I’m confused. I need to understand what’s changed. Is there something going on financially or personally that I don’t know about? Are you struggling with debt, stress, or anything else?"

onuku:
➜I answered your questions to the best of my ability. I'm in my late 40s, and need to start planning for my retirement. By the way, she's a pharmacist, and we are based in abroad. Carrying all the bills alone is a disaster waiting to happen. She's a 'quiet' type and doesn't talk to me because of this.
➜She refused for us to see a counselor / therapist.

Huh? She is a pharmacist whose job requires her to talk all day to customers, but to you, she is a 'quiet' type and doesn't talk to you.

OK, you live abroad, but is your marriage arrangement with your wife a traditional one or a partnership where you both are supposed to share every role to an extent, or maybe equally?

2. Counselor/therapist for what purpose?

The 15 years she didn't work was because of our young family. The oldest is 15 while the youngest is 7. Traditional or partnership has nothing to do with this.
When she graduated from school; the arrangement was for her to work for 6 months and keep everything for herself. After the 6 month period, she will start chipping in. I even gave her a spreadsheet of our monthly expenses.

Please just contribute your humbly advise.

Kobojunkie:
Huh? She is a pharmacist whose job requires her to talk all day to customers, but to you, she is a 'quiet' type and doesn't talk to you.

OK, you live abroad, but is your marriage arrangement with your wife a traditional one or a partnership where you both are supposed to share every role to an extent, or maybe equally?

2. Counselor/therapist for what purpose?

onuku:
➜The 15 years she didn't work was because of our young family. The oldest is 15 while the youngest is 7. Traditional or partnership has nothing to do with this.
➜ When she graduated from school; the arrangement was for her to work for 6 months and keep everything for herself. After the 6 month period, she will start chipping in.
➜ I even gave her a spreadsheet of our monthly expenses. Please just contribute your humbly advise.

1. If you are both Nigerians, it has a lot to do with it since most Nigerian women submit to their husbands with the expectation that he occupies the role of sole provider in the family.

2. Well, either your wife is not happy with the arrangement—you shoving a spreadsheet of the monthly expenses at her as well — or she is telling the truth when she says she does not have any money.

We both are from Imo state.

In this day and age; single income can't sustain an average household anymore.

All I am saying is that isn't she supposed to chip in the family expenses aside grocery. Here, 3 of the kids have their breakfast and lunch in their respective schools.

Lastly, I am compelled to inform her parents of what's going on!

Kobojunkie:
1. If you are both Nigerians, it has a lot to do with it since most Nigerian women submit to their husbands with the expectation that he occupies the role of sole provider in the family.

2. Well, either your wife is not happy with the arrangement—you shoving a spreadsheet of the monthly expenses at her as well — or she is telling the truth when she says she does not have any money.

This will be messy if not handled properly. Mistake number one is actually taking care of the bills on your own for such a long time and now expecting her to contribute without having a definite discussion regarding it.

You guys need to talk! If she's not willing to talk about it, call thebilling coys callable and change the billing name to both your names or completely cancel if possible the ones you can cancel. Eg, cancel the internet, cable, children's extra curriculum activities, etc. For the ones in your names, they will go after you two for payment which will get her attention.

Once you agree on the talk, you can agree to have a bank setup to cover the household expensive and model of contribution. It is extremely important that a model of contribution is agreed o....eg, 50/50, 40/60....5/95. There must be a number. Then set up auto debit on a monthly.

The worst that can happen is she will still refuse which could:
1. Lead to your acceptance and continual labour for the family like you've been doing without any plans for your retirement. May God help you.

2. Shake up your marriage to the point of the govt intervening in your family affairs....family court, divorce court. May God help you.

Anyhow e be, communication is always chief in the family. Talk to her....make una marriage no go spoil.

onuku:
➜We both are from Imo state.
➜In this day and age; single income can't sustain an average household anymore.
➜All I am saying is that isn't she supposed to chip in the family expenses aside grocery. Here, 3 of the kids have their breakfast and lunch in their respective schools.
➜ Lastly, I am compelled to inform her parents of what's going on!

I know plenty of couples from that state who are abroad and are traditionally married and I know plenty of Nigerian couples from that same state who are not in traditional marriage arrangements where both the man and woman share in both the financial responsibilities for their households as well as the raising of kids and general household chores. So, please, don't give me the " I am from this or that" talk! Answer truthfully, please! Are you and your marriage married under the traditional model of marriage where you sit as the sole provider, enjoying the benefit of being god/master over your wife, while she is meant to submit wholly, raising the kids, and taking care of all household chores and so on?

2. Regardless of the day and age, the traditional marriage model stipulates that the man serves as the provider in the household while the woman is to submit— live as cook, nanny, house maid, sex partner, baby mama, shopper, etc.,—to him. If you wish for your wife to provide, then the reasonable thing for you to do would be to abandon the traditional idea entirely and renegotiate a partner who better serves both partners more fairly.

3. Well, if, again, your marriage is sealed under the traditional marriage model, the answer to your question would be no. She is not obligated to chip in. You have to understand that if her qualm is that she is meant to be a traditional wife in the arrangement, then she isn't in the wrong at all.

4. Omgosh! How could anyone in this day and age resort to such nonsense? Is she a child whom you should report to her parents? That statement is so disrespectful! 😳😳😳

Look, your wife has a reason, and she alone is the one you ought to be communicating with regarding the happenings in your household. You are abroad, at least learn from others how to communicate with your spouse, who you live with in the same house. Gosh! She is a grown arse woman who has had three kids with you — I am guessing —so, what is the bid deal? 😳😳😳

She's doing feeding and you still expect her to add more. Fear God, mister man.

onuku:
The marriage is over 15 years. Husband was taking care of everything throughout the period during the marriage. She started working last year's January, and started doing feeding for a family of 5 last July. 3 months ago, we agreed that she will also contribute some money towards utilities. She contributed towards utilities for 2 months and stopped. Reason being that she doesn't have money

onuku:
We both are from Imo state.

In this day and age; single income can't sustain an average household anymore.

All I am saying is that isn't she supposed to chip in the family expenses aside grocery. Here, 3 of the kids have their breakfast and lunch in their respective schools.

Lastly, I am compelled to inform her parents of what's going on!

You are not alone in this issue abroad. Most of the families that relocated abroad face similar issue for madams to adjust to helping financially. Same way our brothers also find it hard to adjust in some ways.

Just keep pushing for it and be patient. With time, discussion and family intervention, she will adjust. But it's usually a hard battle for most families I know here in the US. Some might even divorce or nearly divorce before they agree.

Truth of the matter here is western countries are not built for 1 income to raise a family. It's just the needful. I pray God helps your family to pull through this stage.

I think she’s doing good already and has done very well.
You mentioned you took care of the family financially for years while she wasn’t working outside the home but don’t forget she was working in the home tending to those children.

If she were to get a paid employment those years, you both would have definitely needed to spend a fortune on child care and I’m sure you understand what that means. You know how much money you two would have spent per month on Nannies and carers for three children and she did it comfortably.

Now, it may seem like nothing but it’s a lot. No career, no personal money or growth outside the family for more than 10 years. How much money do you think can compensate for this though?

While saving for your retirement, allow her to save for her retirement too and cut down on anything you can cut down on to fit into what you both can afford at this stage.

Another mistake would be involving her family. Lol, oga, in all honesty, the kind of can of worms that will be opened in the process eee, your marriage will not remain the the same. If she opens her mouth to also tell them the things in her heart ee, You will even regret involving her family.

Not that she’s not contributing at all. She is doing very very very well already. This is how it starts, i pray it doesn’t degenerate to the point of no return. May God help you

I believe every marriage is a partnership, and that’s how it should be.

Kobojunkie:
Is your marriage of the traditional model, or is it instead a partnership where you are both expected to share the bills in addition to taking care of the children and managing everything at home?

But feeding the whole family of five is enough contribution. You make it sound like she isn't spending at home at all.

I rest my case. Feeding is less than $1K, compared to someone that spends thousands a month on mortgage, car notes, insurances, property tax, kids sporting activities, utility taxes.
The folks that live abroad will understand.

onuku:
I rest my case. Feeding is less than $1K, compared to someone that spends thousands a month on mortgage, car notes, insurances, property tax, utility taxes.
The folks that live abroad will understand.

You’re wasting your time with most of those that quoted you. They don’t intend to see from your point of view and I don’t blame them, most can never shoulder those kinds of responsibilities without running amok.

Cut down your spending to the basics, focus on you and the kids. Let her spend her money on herself. If she doesn’t come around, you know she won’t change. Start planning in advance and put money aside for any eventuality in the future so you don’t end up empty handed.

Na so most of them be, Your own is to be prepared for anything that comes.