NewStats: 3,263,055 , 8,178,975 topics. Date: Wednesday, 04 June 2025 at 02:26 PM 4665b

Sulele04:

Nice update bro.

Thanks bro, hope you're good...

I so much love every single bit of your updates aswearugod 😁😁. CJ wonders😁

Therock5555:



I say make I start so them say make I go chop people telegram number make I add am to mine, I tried using one lecturer phone for example, I successfully chop the , next thing calls and messages begin enter from her fellow lecturers, welcoming her to telegram....



Ahhh, I quickly delete the , that moment I realized Yahoo was not my calling.,😅🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ahh eh my Belle oh,
this your life na drama series e no get any other explanation, but wait oh did you
By any chance pickany of the calls?

So you, why you no dey Press?

🎶Coz my mama told me one day🎶

It's gonna be alright,
if I only fight the right fight🎤

Lutherblaq:


Ahh eh my Belle oh,
this your life na drama series e no get any other explanation, but wait oh did you
By any chance pickany of the calls?




🎶Coz my mama told me one day🎶

It's gonna be alright,
if I only fight the right fight🎤

Pick any calls keh, I was still holding the woman phone for hand nah, I just returned everything back to default settings, even if them tell her say she telegram for school, where's the prove?






I believe your Mama bro.... Everything go dey alright las Las.


But na why you come dey answer lutherblaq

Damilgodwin:
I so much love every single bit of your updates aswearugod 😁😁. CJ wonders😁

Omor that chapter too long ajeh, my Yahoo chronicles reach to write complete book alone cause wetin my eyes don see eh...

If I talk am finish, efcc go mount , so I gats dey careful before I enter hand for flexing wey I don chop forget🤣🤣🤣





Make I gist you about CJ small, as him give babe belly, them tell am say for their tribe girl no dey born for house, and they fail to see say na small boy him he sef, this guy depress once, na small cash out him do by January nai help am rent house and buy food stuffs


The girl sef don arrive see plenty food, she begin chop 7-10 times per day, I kid you not, she dey always claim say she dey chop for two people.


Funny thing, she no dey cook reach am, she go just cook for only herself or her friends that come visiting, bros go dey drink garri or chop indomie cause himself no sabi cook.


And I been dey yab am say as per married man now, food no suppose be him problem, na my house him go chop then go house go sleep.


I don warn am to take control of the relationship, bros think say I dey play, by the time the food finishes, make nobody near me sha.


Babe wey thin needle don fat like yokozuna, even me no believe my eyes.... Sha I still dey watch the movie, e never reach the "shebi I told you" part yet.



I he would be telling his geng say, "see that good boy wey no wan press, na poverty go kill am."

Now me And him, I no know who dey trenches ....🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


This life eh....

Therock5555:



You don talk am finish but the more I think of it, I reason am say all sinners will still land in hell fire whether you steal pencil or you do rituals.


I still dey question my life choices sef.

So you are you truly Mr integrity ABI you no get better phone or chance to bomb?🤣🌰🌰🌰🌰🤣🤣🤣🤣

I don know about yahoo since 2001 and some of my my agemate for street then dey go cybercafe go run am but the thing no enter our eye. Not to talk of now wey everywhere don cast for the matter.

All sinners go enter hell but we choose to sin differently.

hotswagg12:
I don know about yahoo since 2001 and some of my my agemate for street then dey go cybercafe go run am but the thing no enter our eye. Not to talk of now wey everywhere don cast for the matter.

All sinners go enter hell but we choose to sin differently.

Your last line hits differently.... 💯💯💯💯

Therock5555:



Omor that chapter too long ajeh, my Yahoo chronicles reach to write complete book alone cause wetin my eyes don see eh...

If I talk am finish, efcc go mount , so I gats dey careful before I enter hand for flexing wey I don chop forget🤣🤣🤣





Make I gist you about CJ small, as him give babe belly, them tell am say for their tribe girl no dey born for house, and they fail to see say na small boy him he sef, this guy depress once, na small cash out him do by January nai help am rent house and buy food stuffs


The girl sef don arrive see plenty food, she begin chop 7-10 times per day, I kid you not, she dey always claim say she dey chop for two people.


Funny thing, she no dey cook reach am, she go just cook for only herself or her friends that come visiting, bros go dey drink garri or chop indomie cause himself no sabi cook.


And I been dey yab am say as per married man now, food no suppose be him problem, na my house him go chop then go house go sleep.


I don warn am to take control of the relationship, bros think say I dey play, by the time the food finishes, make nobody near me sha.


Babe wey thin needle don fat like yokozuna, even me no believe my eyes.... Sha I still dey watch the movie, e never reach the "shebi I told you" part yet.



I he would be telling his geng say, "see that good boy wey no wan press, na poverty go kill am."

Now me And him, I no know who dey trenches ....🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


This life eh....

Life never treat am bad reach where his eyes go clear, na small remain 😁😁

hotswagg12:
I don know about yahoo since 2001 and some of my my agemate for street then dey go cybercafe go run am but the thing no enter our eye. Not to talk of now wey everywhere don cast for the matter.

All sinners go enter hell but we choose to sin differently.

Deepest line ever 💯💯🙌🙌

Therock5555:




Pick any calls keh, I was still holding the woman phone for hand nah, I just returned everything back to default settings, even if them tell her say she telegram for school, where's the prove?






I believe your Mama bro.... Everything go dey alright las Las.


But na why you come dey answer lutherblaq

Wetin do Luther wey black na?

Well na only for naira land I dey answer that?

Lutherblaq:


Wetin do Luther wey black na?

Well na only for naira land I dey answer that?

What made you choose the moniker?

Damilgodwin:

Life never treat am bad reach where his eyes go clear, na small remain 😁😁

Make the belly reach 8 months, I wan check something...🤣

Therock5555:



What made you choose the moniker?

Used to be a hardcore fan of Martin Luther king

I loved his books

Lutherblaq:


Used to be a hardcore fan of Martin Luther king

I loved his books

I kinda preferred Malcolm X though, my spirit rhyme with that homie....

The Rock,thanks for this masterpiece. It's been a while. How your side

Therock5555:



I kinda preferred Malcolm X though, my spirit rhyme with that homie....

Ah Malcom was very good too

Carterj007:
The Rock,thanks for this masterpiece. It's been a while. How your side

I'm good bro...

About to drop my most hated chapter in this book

Good evening fellas....


As a very good boy, I say make I drop one painful chapter sha, just half way, the rest will be revealed when the book is completed




Enjoy Sha...

~CHAPTER VIII~
~My Phone, My Life~


It's said that the absence of something would always prove its importance whether you realize it or not, no matter how worthless you think it might be.

One of the most proficient statement I always receive from any G-boy is; "why do you have a good phone and you're not using it to press?"

Most of the questions usually comes with a look of disgust or bewilderment. And I'm always with a puzzled expression; like, must you start yahoo if you're using a good phone? Who made that fact compulsory?

Just the same way assumptions are made if people sees you with a nice baggy shirt, designer shorts and flip flops, those that know that you work legitly would still summon courage to ask why you are hiding 'Update'.

Even the cops would gladly tag you what ever specification they could adject to just to bill you mercilessly.


Most times when SS friends bug me too much about hiding updates, I simply my phone to them to clear their doubts.

"This guy don't know what to use his phone for." Someone once stated.

That statement sounded really ironic in my ears, a whole me, the world best phone presser. The only time I didn't press my phone was when I sit with my dad on the dining table, he used some slaps to cure me of that habit albeit temporarily.


____________________________________
One fateful morning, I heard a voice exactly like SS but the person was calling out to SS. My curiosity made me peek out, apart from being of lesser height, he was the splitting image of SS.

He noticed me peeking out and walked to my room to make inquiries. I got to know he was SS younger brother. I'll call him KC.



Now having someone that could brag all day was enough pain in the abdomen. SS played that role, he was always the first to rudely reply any outside neighbor that comes to complain about his loudspeaker volume.

A so called caring woman stopped him one evening to advice him on his bleaching addiction.

"When I dey broke, una been dey buy me Vaseline? Make nobody tell me rubbish cause na my money I use buy am." SS replied her.




KC wasn't any different from his big bro, he Bleached, he Bombed and he always Bragged....

If a group conversation is ongoing and you make a different suggestion to what SS or KC agreed on, you'll get tag-teamed and humbled cause they'll voices and squeeze their idea into you, it doesn't matter if you're wrong or right, their right is always Right.


A mutual friend commented about that bleaching problem when I was chilling with their group one evening.

"Boss P, look your guy leg, you no dey advice am?" The Friend asked me in particular.


I simply raise my eyes from my phone screen, looked at the dude, then at SS, then quietly continued pressing my phone with a sly smile on my face.


"What's your business?" KC shouted at the boy.

"Leave the mumu, your main babe no dey bleach also, alaye go and preach to her." SS added.



"But you na man nah, how you dey see your leg." The Friend replied weakly.



"Is it your business? Na your body?" The two brothers spoke simultaneously.

The matter soon got heated that they chased their friend away from the compound.

I never engaged the brothers in serious discussions that might cause arguments, so if they insisted that palm wine could cure Cancer, I'll readily agree with them.

They also loved women alot, so if one of them has a girl coming over, the other would come to my room for as long as needed. SS mounted his dominance that KC would be in my house at least 5 times per week.

Few weeks later, a third guy ed them. All of them were bombers so they flowed generally, and KC didn't mind because the new guy became the instant maid. The brothers subjected him to different tasks apart from washing their clothes and since he wasn't contributing to anything, he dutifully agreed.
The down side, he was not allowed to bring any girl over, if he had a date, he goes out to anywhere apart from there.



Pepe as we called him wasn't a big fan of womanizing so he didn't mind, and he was really good but not better than me on PlayStation so atleast I had a good opponent to test my game skills with.


SS and KC elder brother lived nearby but never visited for once, but as soon as KC arrived the compound, he started visiting regularly.

It even worsen when he discovered my game room. Automatically he started visiting me too, sometimes he'll stay so late that his wife would come drag him away. His wife didn't mind because she was one of the few people that I related with in the neighborhood, so she was glad that her husband was chasing girls in GTA instead of real life.
_____________________________________


Due to the large amount of players hanging out in my room most times, we'll enter tournament mode which could take tons of hours. Nobody gave two bleeps about time.

SS and KC and Pepe used their rest period between games to bomb. The elder brother didn't mind unless his wife comes to drag him home or uses calls to frustrate him.


But I wasn't comfortable one bit, they were eating deeply into my 'ME' time, I couldn't watch movies anymore neither could I have time for my dear phone. Most times I manage to catch up and episode or two or watch quarter of a full length movie before ing out.

ing out in the sense that I skip off to sleep while watching movies, if the movies are from my phone, I'll probably wake up some minutes or hours later to find my phone either under my bed, under my belly, sometimes even in-between my bedsheets, like WTF!!!



_________________________________________
I got a new season of the Animation 'Boss Baby' and I was so eager to start watching it that despite our tournament session ending by 1am in the early hours of the morning.

The trio roommates left to continue bombing for the night while the elder brother went to snuggle his wife.

I securely locked my door and jumped on my bed. My room was cloudy like a chance of meatballs due to the heavy smoke sessions we alternated in so I had earlier opened my glass window because the standing fan was producing heat fumes instead of cool breeze.


Prior to that day, I've never opened my glass window for any reason because my fan was always on high alert and I like viewing anybody that stops to look at themselves at my window.


As I laid on my bed, my eyes darted to my half opened window. Something poked me to get up and close the glass but the first episode of the animation was already starting so I waved the idea for later and snuggled comfortably, my phone raised high to prevent me from falling asleep.




It was my cheeky solution to avoid falling asleep when I'm viewing a video.

_____________________________________________

It started when I was watching porn on my phone one night and fell asleep while it was still on. The videos were more than fifty, so it was a free roll I slept on.


A strange figure was next to me as I snapped back awake, I was used to sleep paralysis so I could be awake for minutes on end without moving an inch.


I watched as my dad picked my phone and quietly left with it.

I waited for some extra minutes. One advantage when I lie still is the ability to catch even the smallest sounds, even if it's someone walking barefoot.

When I heard my parents door click close, I dashed up with my heart pounding like a wild drum.

I tip toed to their room and listened for minutes as my parents watched through one video to the other. My heart sank cause I was imagining my future ass kicking.


Luckily for me, I had already broken my dad's beating tenure so I know that highest I'll get was a solid tongue lashing and a couple of fasting and meditation sessions. Even if an ass whooping session got istered to me, I deserved it for my stupidity.


My parents made a deadly mistake, because my dad returned my phone back safely without sending any proof to his phone.


As soon as he got back to his room, I grabbed my phone and dashed into the stupid folder, then rapidly sent all to my private folder but not before painstakingly corrupting each file extension by renaming the format wrongly.


I slept with fear of getting awaken by a beat down so I always jolt up if I heard any unusual noises.

By morning, my dad asked me to unlock my phone in the guise of trying to send some videos.


Videos that he could not find........

The look on his face!!!


____________________________________

I woke up with a jolt, it was unusual of me, my room lights were still on. My fan was still blaring but my room was eerily quiet. For everything that seemed wrong, I could that I connected my phone to my Bluetooth speaker so something must have been playing.


I stared at my opened window and winced. I knocked myself for ing out without closing my window.

I stared back at my bed, my phone wasn't anywhere in sight. I smiled weakly as I peeped under the bed stand, No phone in sight.

I stood up and grabbed my pillows up, No phone in sight.

I chuckled. Then swipe my blanket and bed sheets off. No phone in sight.


Now I was more pissed off than panicky, I bent down properly to stare under my bed again, No phone in sight.


A cold sweat broke out as I thought of the last remaining unideal place to check. I know definitely that my phone can't slide in-between my bed and it's stand but I had to be double sure that I wasn't hallucinating at least.

I dragged my bed completely off, No phone in sight.


'Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep!!!' Was all that ran through my head as the sweating increased.

I stared at my door as a dread feeling overcame me, I quickly began thinking if I had mistakenly left my door unlocked. I found my legs absent-mindedly walking towards my door.

I drag it backwards, No bulge.

I checked my lock again. Everything was properly locked.

I became even more puzzled as my eyes scanned the ceiling for any sign of entry.

Everything seemed normal except that my phone was nowhere to be found. I dragged my bed stand off the wall and toppled it over, searching like a frantic lunatic.


My mind was steadily whispering, 'You're finished dude, You're finished dude. But I still pretended to keep hope alive.


Five minutes later, I came back to reality. A reality that I wouldn't still believe I was reliving. Never in my wildest dreams have I conjured such event.


I unlocked my door and peeped outside. The darkness was sick as shit, only SS put out side lights, so the rest of the compound was shady.


Without a thought, I dashed outside direct to SS room. I knocked slightly to avoid spooking anyone but there was no response. I noticed their window was opened too so I walked over.

As I made to place hand on the nettings to gain balance, my right hand ed through the nettings like I touch butter with a red hot knife.


"Guys make una wake up, they don tiff my phone." I wailed into the opened window after parting the curtains through the torn nettings.

SS woke up immediately with a wicked scorn on his face. I was slightly relieved when he grabbed his phone. Atleast his was still safe.


"Wetin dey sup? Wetin dey sup?" SS asked as KC darted up, Pepe took one slap to regain consciousness.


I repeated my previous statement which got them streaming out of their room like a tsunami.

Different questions that I can not recreate due to the anger in my heart resonated against my head as I was lost in my own bleeped up world.


They helped searched around the compound and behind not before I walked to my window and confirmed that the nettings was torn also.

The thief was a person nearby or a regular visitor to the compound because SS charging port was by his window, so if they had plugged their phones and slept off, theirs would have gotten stolen too.

I asked for time and was told that it was few minutes past 2am.

With my calculations, I probably ed out before 1.30am and must have woke up approximately twenty minutes later.


Twenty minutes was all it took to swipe my life, sorry phone away.


As I walked to my door, I saw something like a phone next to the door. My heart almost yelped in abundant joy.

My heart sank when I picked up my phone casing instead. Something shook as I raised it up.


My two sim cards sat proudly on the phone casing. My heart sank even further.

I showed SS my findings as the consoled me. Everyone soon dispersed, we didn't disturb Abu or Eze because both their windows are always locked tight.


After locking my door, I sat on my bed with my hands securing my head that had gotten so heavy that i wish my neck would break and just kill me instantly. Anywhere was better than "No phone" reality.


I was staring at my two sims and feeling bittersweet, atleast the thief saved me the stress of welcoming back my sims. What pissed me off was my 64gig memory card that got tagged with the phone.


I had over ten years worth of pictures, memories, articles, files, books I hadn't managed to finish reading.(I tend to avoid reading any major novel when I'm writing a story cause I don't want to steal someone ideals or scenerios.)


I am not a picture person. I take approximately 5-10 pictures in an entire year. You'll catch me most times taking pictures of others than being photographed.


So pictures that I've been keeping for my 20 years challenge were gone in an instant.

I wasn't scared for my private folder because the NSFW files would certainly get erased once the phone gets wiped.

I was generally pissed as I laid down trying to ensure a night filled with repeated visions of the phone heist I never saw. Nothing else was stolen apart from my phone.

My bed was at the other end of the room directly from the window so how the person got my phone with out entering my room was a forever mystery I could not solve.



_____________________________________

I woke up with a jolt, someone was knocking and it was day break already.

How my foolish self managed to sleep after all that happened still shocked me.

I darted up. Slapped myself to be sure I was still in the same "No Phone" reality.

Yes I was. And the knocking even increased.

I opened the door to stare at the two last folks I expected to see first thing in the morning.


Becky and SS elder brother's wife pushed me inwards as they invited themselves into my room.

The wife stared around my room like a detective. She had never been inside before, most times she'll open the door halfway if she bangs the door incessantly and her husband does not respond.

I left them standing and laid back on my bed like a day old frog. My brain formulating millions of thoughts per second.


"Ehya, we heard that your phone was stolen. Sorry oh." The wife spoke.

A tear almost dropped out of my eyes but I quickly blinked it back.


"So that your sweet phone don go. Now how person go dey watch sweet WhatsApp status." Becky added.

If not that my mood was fragile, I'll have immediately killed both of them and bury them under my bed within two hours.


Nonsense and ingredients!!!


So began my day. How word fucking spread when it's bad news. People that I had absolutely no business with trooped in to greet me.


I entertained waves and waves of neighbors for two hours and all I heard was 'Ehya' and 'Sorry'.

Nobody dropped small 'change'. Nobody thought of bringing me breakfast atleast to calm my mood. No one even offered to cook for me. No one even offered a spare phone for the main time.


Call me an entitled BITCH!!! But I had enough.

As soon as the wave subsided, I ed my keys to SS through my window and asked him to lock my doors and come check up on me six hours later.

He did what I commanded without a word.


I went straight back to bed. Sad thoughts poured through my brain till I slept off.


I had absolutely nothing to do, so Sleep was my coping mechanism.






_________________________________________
Someone unlocked my door around late afternoon.


I woke up with a jolt, maybe the intruder had returned for rematch and I was heavenly ready for six able bodied men if need be.

Only SS walked into my room.
"Guy you still dey sleep since that time? We think say you don hang yourself!!!" He said.


"I thought of it like twice but I don't have a ceiling fan, I'll have certainly tried it." I replied without a hint of irony in my words. I was dead serious.



"Guy, no reason am. Naso life be. Just take heart Boss. You na senior man. Just stand strong." SS encouraged me.



Like I was waiting for a cue to pour out my frustrations, I sat up.




"Guy, this is not the first time my phone got stolen. My phone was first stolen inside church during a Valentine's Day Sunday service, I lost another phone in church during a crusade where a prophet cash out untop my head, but this one hits differently. Na food money I get now, I don't have money for a new phone right now, and I'm pissed off. Leave me the fuçk alone."





____________________________________________

The first day was the hardest. Everything triggered me. My lesson kids immediately knew something was wrong when I arrived without my ear phones and a deep scorn on my face.

"Uncle please help me with your phone lemme browse my school assignment." The younger kid requested.

I gave him a hot knock as reply. He immediately knew something was wrong because I hardly touch them except they choose to be intentionally naughty.

Throughout the lesson period, a hint of friendliness never crossed my face.
I actually realized that I thought them a lot more than usual because I had nothing to keep myself occupied while they performed assigned tasks.


As soon as my time was due, I left without bothering to wait for food or play football with the kids as I usually did before.

"No joy Uncle." The children called me at the end of the day.

I calmly ask them to come near to me, then placed two perfect knocks on both their heads before dashing out of their gate with a wicked grin on my face.


Atleast I was smiling about something....

Wicked grin😂😂😂😂

Uncle no Joy


Naso they swiped my Phone twice last year too

The matter off me completely

Therock5555:
Watch out for the next chapter


My least favorite chapter 😌😌😌😌


Yo, and keep the comments popping, I'm having fun.

Keep It up. I sha dey enjoy ur updates....na my fav series on nairaland currently. Lol

Thanks for the update. Its not easy to stay without a phone for a day.

do4luv14:
Uncle no Joy


Naso they swiped my Phone twice last year too

The matter off me completely

Wetin you do eh, twice in one year, I would have turned serial killer

ghettochild:

Keep It up. I sha dey enjoy ur updates....na my fav series on nairaland currently. Lol

Nice one man. I'm glad someone is having fun at my expense. 🤣🤣

hotswagg12:
Thanks for the update. Its not easy to stay without a phone for a day.

Person fit mad sef on a norms....

Therock5555:


Person fit mad sef on a norms....

yeah especially missing out on a daily routine you have carried out for years.

Therock5555:


Wetin you do eh, twice in one year, I would have turned serial killer

Boss na wetin I dey reason, first one na for house, second one na for road,

The first one pains me, they wiped my Aza leave only 1k for me, chaii Man wan cry,

The second one was last Sunday of 2024 my friends even vex for me too,
Am saving to get new phone, but the shege I received had been extended to Facebook, my acct had been hacked,

I just tirez

Craving for update 😂

do4luv14:


Boss na wetin I dey reason, first one na for house, second one na for road,

The first one pains me, they wiped my Aza leave only 1k for me, chaii Man wan cry,

The second one was last Sunday of 2024 my friends even vex for me too,
Am saving to get new phone, but the shege I received had been extended to Facebook, my acct had been hacked,

I just tirez

Omor so sorry Boss, this one weak me. I ed a dear friend that was coming back from cross over service on January 1st, them wipe am slap seize him phone for bush.


Omor I weak die...

Damilgodwin:
Craving for update 😂

Happy Sunday bro....


I've been super busy. But cause of you, I go drop the remaining part of the last chapter...

Enjoy Boss....

Yoooo Fellas...

Who dey ZuZu...

I was supposed to finish this book by yesterday. But as I was going through it, I realized that I missed one scintillating story so I had to add one more mini chapter 😂😂


Anyway, y'all got to be patient till tomorrow. My schedule is fuçked today, so I'll do one more favor and drop the completion of the last chapter.



From tomorrow abeg make una hold una urgent 2k and slide like Micheal Jackson into my WhatsApp DM for a complete copy.


Thanks and God bless as y'all comply.


#500 discount for the first Ten buyers😂😂😂😂