NewStats: 3,264,424 , 8,183,702 topics. Date: Wednesday, 11 June 2025 at 04:41 AM 3wj2v

Lorayne:

Are you living in Nigeria?... Because all this your research and evidences only apply to western marriages, not African.

Well, Africans are even less likely to divorce and we know how much we all love sex whether premarital, marital or extra-marital. So not sure the point you're trying to make is well served by the comment you've made.

eduj:

it seems you cheat too or you're financially dependent on her . You just sound so accepting of the fact,almost as if you're low on confidence

Lol, I run a business that's worth millions of dollars. I don't have sex with other women either.

Yes, I am approaching acceptance as I know it's to my benefit to accept what's going on, forgive and move past it. I'm under no illusion as to the state of the marriage. Yes, it's ended. The question is what kind of new relationship we will build. We have kids together so we must build a relationship whether we like it or not. It may be marriage, may not be marriage, what I can't do is react without careful consideration of the full picture and that picture can only be painted well over time.

Lorayne:

Please, don't think of saving this marriage. I beg you. She doesn't love you no more and she'll definitely cheat again. Your kids will be just fine. You can have shared custody.



It's obvious she doesn't respect you. Pls grow some balls and divorce that woman.

Yes it was clear disrespect and it's evident there's no love there anymore. Likelihood is also that she'll cheat again. Despite all this, the evidence suggests that it's worth trying to mend things via therapy.

The reality in life is that many marriages suffer from infidelity. 60% of men and 40% of women cheat in marriages apparently. This doesn't always spell the end of the marriage however as about 70% of marriages that go to counselling end up staying together. Also when you survey couples 5 years after they initially report feeling unhappy about their marriage, the vast majority of them later on report being happy in their marriage. On the other hand with divorce, up to 90% of divorcees report ongoing mental health problems. Kids from divorced homes also have a higher risk of every type of social and emotional poor outcome under the sun.

So while the knee jerk thing to do is to want to leave the marriage, the reality is that one is substituting one problem for another. So it's always worth a shot trying to salvage what's left of the marriage. So contrary to what many of you may think, the ballsy thing to do is to stay, be patient and try to work things out. If after a decent effort, things are still crappy then by all means it's time to leave. That work must first be done though.

With regards to being poisoned, this is not a Nollywood movie, people don't go around poisoning their betrayed spouse. If they did, there'd be way more dead spouses than we have now. There's clear research on the mindset of a cheater and affairs that explains all the behavior succintly. It's not right, but there is a psychology behind it and it is possible to move past it. Look up "limerence" for instance. There's lots of research and evidence on exactly what I'm facing. I've chosen to learn about it and it's clear that the best initial response it to take a shot to try to salvage the marriage.

My goal in starting this topic is to find a place to vent and release some of the emotional energy and potentially connect with others who've been through something similar and see how they managed.

jesmond3945:
you have not answered the question, have you cheated on your wife ever before?
Question number 2, have you laid your hands on your wife ever before?
Question 3, do you have a love child somewhere else?
Final question, have you had course to be away from her through distance or you neglected her needs due to work stress?
Answer truthfully.

As I said, every marriage has its ups and downs. I haven't done anything untoward as to warrant this outcome, the choice to cheat is entirely on her. The bottom line is that I've always had an open demeanour and willingness to work on the marriage. If she had concerns, we could always have resolved them without the need for this nuclear option. So to answer your question, I haven't had sex with someone else, I don't beat anybody, I don't have a love child, I am the sole income earner for my household so yes I've had to be away for long periods occasionally to earn income for the family. Over Covid, however, I've been fully present.

Donpenny:
Grant her wish, move on, free your mind, refresh and seek for fun and happiness by so doing you'll become more youthful and energetic. Look for fresh baby to satisfy your sexual urge whenever you need to. Save some of your family pictures with the kids and their mother somewhere safe, your're gonna need them to convince your kids when time comes to reclaimed them. Let her go with the kids for the meantime because they are still small they will stress you . Let them stay with their mother but be checking on them occasionally. Live your life to the fullest. Be a real niga

I am a fully involved father. I shower my kids daily in the morning, I drop them at school, I pick them up after school myself. I cook for them often, I read to them every night. I know their teachers, their friends, their favourite things and what they don't like. This your formula will not work.

arzizhy:


You are going to heal brother. I was in this situation 10 months ago.
I am in a better place now.

What was your experience like? Care to share?

olabrinks:
Have you ever cheated on her?
What is your communication level like ?
Does she seem to be going through a phase of boredom?
Your marriage can still be revived, but it needs the effort of both parties. A lot of men have experienced infidelity on the women’s part and have quietly resolved issues and moved on with their family in tact. Women rarely cheat for no reason, you really need to dig deep and find out what the issue is before taking any further action.

I have an issue with the idea that women rarely cheat for no reason. Of course, every marriage has its ups and downs, does that justify cheating? What's the point of a vow and commitment then?

If you want to end a marriage, cheating is not the way to do it. End it the right way then go off with whoever you want to go off with. If you feel neglected or offended. Seek help with communicating well and if it doesn't work, leave. Cheating unapologetically makes the situation 10 times worse not better.

A few posters think this is a made-up scenario. Even me in the situation the thing be me like film. I keep thinking I will pinch myself one day and wake up from this nightmare.

What's worse is is that you don't even know near half of the story. For example, the fact that I warned her about the guy before. Cried and begged her to stay away from him. She didn't listen and went ahead to sleep with him. So the betrayal is a very deep one.

One poster said I am a weak man. I can tell you for a fact that the easiest thing to do is to walk away and not look back. I am young, successful, and attractive so a new relationship is the least of my worries. My biggest concern, and why I'm trying to act rationally is because of our 3 young kids. They are innocent and didn't ask for any of this so I'm trying to ensure their well-being. If we divorce, we are going to rip their world apart so suddenly and cruelly. No kid deserves that at all.

2 days after I found out and going through emotional turmoil. I resolved to do the Christ-like thing and give the marriage a chance. I spoke to her at length and tried to convince her of her folly. I then made a candle-lit dinner at night and bought some flowers. I then extracted a commitment to work on the marriage for 6 months.

So imagine my horror when 2 days later I find out she was still talking to her affair partner for hours. Omo this wahala is even deeper than I thought.

RightToReject:
Don't tell me that you'll grant her a divorce just like that without first subjecting her to severe cruelty that will last her for a lifetime - this should be the way, unless you haven't been fair to her from the inception, thus her action now. When you allow people to continually have their cake and eat it, you automatically become an enabler of their inhumaneness in particular and evil in general.

Certainly allowing people who've done bad things to eat their cake and have it is not a good thing. Being cruel deliberately on the other hand is not a good thing either. I'm by nature a kind person that hates wahala. I also recognize that because of our kids we will always have a connection. So while cruelty may be temporarily soothing, it will have long-term negative effects for everyone involved such that it's not worthwhile.

Several people here have rushed to suggest divorce. The challenge with divorce is that you are just replacing one problem with another problem that's potentially more complex and difficult. So divorce may be the ultimate answer but it doesn't come without its challenges so the decision must not be taken lightly.

ezugegere:


What is her reason for engaging in adultery and wanting divorce? Have you been living together in peace?

Yes, we had a low conflict marriage. Of course, there were the usual challenges of marriage but nothing insurmountable. And not like I wasn't willing to improve and work on it. In fact, I've steadily improved as a husband by her own ission. This particular act is entirely inexplicable to me so I'm still trying to make sense of it all.

Hashabiah:
The woman was caught in adultery and you are still looking at salvaging? Aunty, please read your bible and see what Jesus said about married women caught in the act of adultery

Jesus did ask her to go and sin no more. He didn't condemn her to death. Suggesting that there is redemption available to all even an adulterous woman. No?

Hashabiah:
Brother, you are not at fault here ; so it is best you let her go and face her judgment with God. As for the kids, you have custody over them and the matter would not be debatable in a court because the judge will rule in your favor since you were the one faithful.

The kids need their mother and stable family life so this course of action is not without risk to them. Should their needs be ignored?

Hashabiah:
God will heal you my brother. My advice : Give her the divorce she desires and set yourself free from her evil . Because I forsee untold evil befalling her, and you should separate yourself from her quickly lest you be consumed when God decides to visit judgment on her

This would be easy to do if we didn't spend over 10 years together and have 3 young kids.

Some 3 weeks ago I confronted my wife about a man she'd been seeing. She unapologetically told me she had slept with him and wanted a divorce. This is my attempt to process this shock to my system and heal from the trauma.